Don't Let Me Down

Being let down sucks. I guess many of my beloved readers could relate to that. But here's my own experience.

Hanging down - 2012

I don't put high hopes and expectations unless I believe in the person. Either out of love, trust or a long history. But most likely, love.

So when I'm let down, it physically hurts me. Beyond imagination . It breaks my heart. I become so angry and could even scream.

I'm usually strong, but when it comes to someone I've deeply loved and trusted, the disappointment and betrayal weaken me.

It takes me some time to fix the broken pieces and be able to stand up again. And of course I lean on other beloved ones to go back to the field and resume the fight.

I don't automatically stop trusting people afterwards. Because everyone is different and it'd be unfair to distrust everyone because of a person, wouldn't it ?

Forgiveness? Yes. I've recently discovered that I don't hold grudges, but only if they come back regretting what they've done. Apologizing isn't even remotely enough for me. I need to feel the remorse and regret. To see, later on, some effort, and eventually, some changes. "Sorry" won't fix anything.

If the regret was followed by another disappointment, it's almost impossible to win me back.

Don't let me down.

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Impulsive, Overthinker and Planner

We all know how difficult it is to overthink. Maybe not everyone knows, excuse my generalisation, allow me to explain.

Belgium, after a long day of exploring (and thinking).

I think all the damn time. While showering, cooking, cleaning, in the métro, working out, even while sleeping.  And if I'm not thinking, flashbacks of terrible memories happen. Or maybe stupid things I've done or said. It's mentally exhausting. Energy consuming. And it takes away the beauty in anything I currently have. I keep asking myself and maybe even others "what if..?", "what should I do if..?"...instead of living the moment. To shut my brain down, I resorted to reading when I'm in the métro for example. Listening to music while working out is effective too. It's not enough but it's a pretty good start.

It's even harder being an overthinker and a planner. I don't just plan my whole life ahead but I also can't stop thinking of all the scenarios. No matter how far in the future they are or how hardly possible they are. Plan A, then B, and then C and maybe even till Z. I want to be prepared. If Plan A fails me I want Plan B to rescue me, that's my logic. Even though, many times, I had only one plan that unfortunately failed. After grieving the failure, I made a new sole plan (not so different from the first, to be honest) that eventually worked out. Planning makes me feel safe, but overthinking ruins it for me.

Imagine adding impulsiveness to the mix. It doesn't make any sense, I know. But try for a bit. You can't right?

Well, my impulsiveness is occasional. I can hear you, guys, okay, it's not occasional, more like most of the time. I have no idea how could a person be an overthinker and impulsive simultaneously, but here I am. I could say the most reckless nonsense and then spend years thinking, analysing and regretting. It's a tiring cycle, people. I must admit I'm a little proud of myself for limiting the recklessness. Maturing is so cool, says the same girl who does a dive cartwheel in public, ha ha. I swear I'm maturing in the remaining aspects, though.

Did I forget to mention my permanently high expectations? Maybe next time, see you soon!

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My Personalities

And here I am, finally. Due to many personal and academic obligations, it has been very hard to publish lately. I'm trying as much as possible to include writing in my daily routine, because it's one of my priorities, but some times it's hard. I'm sure my beloved readers understand.

I have to admit, I have multiple personalities. Some people might call this sides of the same person, but to me, they're sort of very different disconnected people.

Decision Maker: this is the master mind, obviously. The voice inside my head and the most assertive version of me. She's assertive (and bossy) to the rest of them, most importantly, and to basically anyone else.

Romantic Samaa: she's been locked in the attic her whole life.  You can imagine how weird and awkward she is. And she rarely shows up during the kissing scenes in movies. Last witnessed in the year.. um.. She's probably gone missing. Next..!

10-year-old: the one who suggests the most reckless actions. She's responsible for all the crazy last-minute plans and actions. Blinded by her passions, she has no boundaries. Every road to a desire of hers is a straight line.

Savage Samaa: my favorite one. Prepare some cold water before dealing with her cause the burns are real. She's not afraid of dancing around the lines, never crossed them though.

Sensitive Samaa: somehow she's there. She knows quite well she doesn't belong, but she stays nevertheless. But at least, she's not emotional enough to cry over every single thing. She's the one of the least apparent Samaas. She's always there, but backstage, for very few people to see.

Fun Sky: the one responsable for the jokes and excessive laughter. She's so extrovert it might scare new acquaintances. Especially if they're a little shy. Loves memes and comics more than anything else in the world. Capable of dancing anywhere, not caring for strangers' glares.

Moods: the most annoying one, cause to be completely honest all of them are (to an extent). She hates everyone including herself.. She's currently packing her stuff and prepared for leaving for good. Nobody is going to miss her and they made it clear.

The Realest: the one who'd tell you straight to your face that you basically suck. She and the Decision Maker get along. So, yeah. If you come to Samaa for advice, she's the one handling it.

Teddy Bear: the cute one. The one who shows love and affection, gives compliments and heartfelt life advice. She could tell you out of the blue that she loves you and appreciates your existence. A new member.

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My Trip to Berlin

Hi! It's been a while since my last article, I know! I have a good excuse though, I was planning for my vacation, studying and then at Berlin. I've always wanted to go to Berlin to make use of my not-so-advanced German. I liked it very much, beyond the language part, so let's get started!

A selfie in front of the Reichstags Building. This was the sky's colour by the way.

Planning Phase

Shortly after I decided to go on a vacation during spring break, I searched for a European city that a) isn't far and b) interests me. Berlin was the ideal option. Few days before leaving Paris, I had to do some research: museums, transportation passes, food, weather.... I've never been a museum and history enthusiast, but I tried to change this by forcing myself to try.

I downloaded Google Trips app which is really useful to organise your day, where you save the places that interest you and get the directions for them easy peasy lemon squeezy. Some bookings and purchases were done and I was ready to go.

Huge Mistake

Since I decided really late to go to Berlin, I had to go by bus as the plane tickets were almost double the normal price. But the bus was a terrible idea, especially for someone with car sickness, the irony. I bought some pills in hope to reduce the sickness and I tried to convince myself that they were working. Also, I had no time to pack some snacks and I forgot my water bottle in the big backpack so I was starving and thirsty for some hours until we stopped for thirty minutes in Belgium. My planning was kilometres away from perfection, but I survived the bus trip of 20 hours (?!).

Day 1

It began at 6 am on the 11th of April, after my arrival at the main bus station of Berlin. I was supposed to go to my host's home, I had the directions and everything. I had to buy the bus ticket from the machine, but unfortunately  it didn't accept credit cards for some mysterious reasons. And also because I had no time, I haven't had any cash. So I went on a discovery trip to find the nearest ATM. I was praying the whole time that I'd work. It did, thank God! After being lost for some time, I made it back to the station. I waited for the bus for 20 minutes and then it passed me without stopping! I was perplexed because I was sitting in the station waiting.. I learned the hard way that they only stop if I stand up at the edge of the pavement. (Which is not the case at Paris by the way). The ride was almost an hour!

When I arrived home, the host, Ela, welcomed me with a warm smile and asked me what took me so long (three hours) to reach home. I explained the whole thing while we had breakfast. I took a shower and changed and then took off to go sightseeing a bit. Even though I was super tired. But, I don't get to visit Berlin everyday, so..!

The fountain.

I went to Checkpoint Charlie where I felt like being somewhere else. Then I went to the Berlin Cathedral Church but didn't go inside, because it wasn't free, which is weird. The Cathedral was so beautiful and I adored the light blue domes and statues. Then I went to the Funkturm, the fountain that has Triton (I hope) and I don't know its name. The weather was cold by then but the sky was blue and the sun was shining so I decided to sit on a bench and read a little while having a snack (a sweet nutty German thing Ela helped me pick). I was too happy then.

I brought some souvenirs from Alexanderplatz and then went home. We cooked dinner, also something "German": asparagus, boiled potatoes and Hollandaise sauce, I really liked it. Even thought it was so weird eating whole boiled potatoes. I chilled at home a bit then I went to bed. It was of course early, but since I hadn't slept well in the bus I had to.

Day 2

Reconciliation statue.

I woke up relatively early, we had breakfast and then I took off. Bernauer Straße (street) was my target. During Berlin division, the windows of the buildings in this street were used to escape the western side. Also, some short tunnels were dug. Of course, there were fatalities during these escape missions. There is a reconciliation statue few meters away from the street's famous buildings. Next to this, there's a small chapel: Die Kapelle der Versöhnung (The Chapel of Reconciliation), small and simple but warm and beautiful. 

Reichstag Building.

I took the S-bahn and went to the Reichstag Building. A mixture of modern architecture (the glass dome) and the 19th century architecture (the rest of the building). Brandenburg Gate is a walking distance away. It used to mark the start of the Berlin- Brandenburg road. I visited next the memorial to the murdered Jews of Europe.

It was lunch time by then, so I ate at a vegetarian Asian restaurant. (I should've packed lunch with me instead, but totally forgot)

East Side Art.

A trip to the eastern side took place then. I really enjoyed the East Side Gallery, which had tons of different street art/ graffiti.

Computerspieleinmuseum
Selfie!

What I visited next has to be the coolest museum ever! Computerspieleinmuseum! (Museum of Video-games) It showed the evolution of video games, from chess to Xbox. Even though it was super small for a museum, but it was a unique experience to be honest. I strongly recommend!!

Then, I returned home and had a light dinner then stayed in bed till I fell asleep, I can't remember really. I was exhausted anyway from all the walking and wandering!

Turkish Breakfast!

Day 3

I woke up relatively energetic and decided to have breakfast with Ela at a café nearby. The weather was good enough to make me want to eat outside in the semi-sunny weather. 

A Time-line of Germany, Historische Museum.

I then headed to the Historische Museum. Ela warned me of how big it was. But I wasn't expecting it to be this big! Germany's history turned out to be impressively long, guys! I spent around three hours, even though I didn't read the descriptions thoroughly in the last exhibitions. I had to have many pauses and an apple pie break in the middle.

Since I was exhausted from standing for so long and my back was hurting so bad, I didn't visit any other museum that day, even though I wanted to. I went to the Mall of Berlin, I enjoyed the walk in the sun to get there but didn't buy anything at last. Except for a sweater from a shop somewhere with "Berlin" on it, I'm sorry, but I had to! 

There was a beautiful cathedral nearby (with a splendid light blue dome as well) so I thought maybe I can go to the mass. But then my host told me it'd be for an hour long at least so I took off. 

Dinner: Spätzle.

I returned home, replaced my banana bag by a normal handbag and Ela and I went to eat at a small restaurant at a walking distance. We, as usual, chatted during the walk, about almost everything. We had Spätzle which is a pasta (that looks like weird French fries) and some stuff on it: lentille for me and cheese for Ela. We drank some German soda/ jus drink. End of day 3.

Day 4- Last Day

I was really sad leaving Berlin...

Neues Museum.

Charlottenburg Schloss.

My bus was at 8 pm so I had so much time on my hands.  The Neues (new) Museum was my first destination; it had an Egyptian exhibition and Nefertiti's head statue. I didn't visit the other exhibitions because they were similar to the ones I've visited in the Louvre. 

I met up with two Indonesian girls from Couchsurfing, Sarah, who was visiting as well, and Rima, who's studying in Berlin. We had lunch together, Turkish kebab for me and a burger for Sarah I then went to the Charlottenburg Schloss (castle). And again, the light domes never failed to amaze me! 


I waited for Rima to drop her friend off and then we had dessert and coffee at a cosy homelike café. A cherry cake with decaf black coffee and a cheesecake and cappuccino for my new friend. 

Cherry cake and coffee!

Rima insisted on helping me go to the bus station and long story short, we ran A LOT and changed transportation a couple of times. The good news is that we arrived half an hour early! Which is a victory for your fashionably late blogger (I'm trying to change I swear).

Final Thoughts

I did it on my own! I DID IT, I DID IT! A year ago, the idea of travelling alone and couchsurfing seemed deadly to me. It seemed as something impossible, but here I am, a beginner solo traveller.

I did it despite every single unadventurous soul that doubted I'd enjoy it alone. Well, having company is great but being alone is also good. I got to do what I wanted when I wanted. I got to stare at the paintings that interested me without someone yawning next to me. Most importantly, if you wait for someone to be available to come along you might end up not going at all. Bottom line: don't depend on anyone to travel.

Credit: germanyflag.facts.co

As for Berlin itself, it's great! I was afraid it wouldn't be much different than Paris, but thank God it betrayed my expectations. I'll definitely go back for more local spots or something.

Also a huge thank you to Ela for welcoming me and being such a great host in general and Rima for helping me go to the bus station on time! Shout-out to that friend who kept encouraging me to go beyond my boundaries but also yelled at me for not telling anyone prior my trip.

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I Grew Up - 20.1

On my birthday, I wrote an article about what I've achieved so far, read it first in case you've missed it, click here! During the few following days, I remembered even more important information and skills I've learnt. So here we go again!

Celebrating my birthday with my paternal family, 2002. I'm the girl in the middle, in case you didn't know.

After receiving a big order
from Amazon

An Egyptian friend would understand the struggle of buying anything online. From the expensive shipping fees, to the different currencies and finally the lack of a credit card to use, I've been there, I did that. There was a time that I asked an older friend to place an order for me because I had no credit card (or even a bank account). But now, ordering online is even a cheaper option! I'm now able to buy used books that are like brand new ones which cost much less than buying them from stores, even considering the shipping from England (because I order English books only). So glad I have my own bank account...! 

Speaking of bank account, I can do money talk now. My parents taught me that talking about money is impolite and wrong, but I grew up to need to discuss money. Sorry mom! Money is important, whether you're applying for a job or have a roommate who shares cleaning products with you! I try not to believe that we live in a pragmatic world, but we kind of do...

My organisation skills grew a little. Every single task even if it was just printing a paper at college is documented in my calendar with several reminders. Important events that I'd never remember on my own such as renewing my residence papers in 22 weeks and that project due after the holidays are documented twice, on my Google Calendar and on my college agenda for maximum organisation. Hundreds of to-do lists were made, even only mental ones. Example: When I Get Home To-Do List: Take a shower, do laundry, cook, revise, do the dishes... That's how I'm trying to get over my goldfish memory and attention deficiency. 

Some adult stuff: original documents. Never hand in original documents. That was a tough lesson to learn. And, always carry a scan of the important documents with me on the phone, it's more than enough in most cases. 

Giving compliments was discussed in the previous article, I'm aware of that. But what I need to add here is that criticizing people instead of giving them compliments says a lot about your self-esteem... Spoiler: you have none! Always give a warm constructive feedback. 

After a long time of reflection at my life events, I came to the conclusion that an abuser was once a victim. And in order to fix the victim, we need to fix the abuser first. Nevertheless, nothing gives a human the right to harm another human. Physically, morally or sexually.

Another conclusion I came to after thinking and reading and researching was that sacrificing too much is harmful. As I said before I decided to put myself first, but being told to make sacrifices for others, when I don't want to, is annoying and insensitive. Also, here's a serious question, why are people who put too much pressure on themselves, neglect their own needs and go too far in sacrifices, so pissed at people who are living their lives healthily and normally? Unfortunately, I've not only met such people, but I still know them...

In this "Me, Myself and I" situation I'm living, with no "adults" to back me up, some people tend to find me an easy target, they talk trash, expecting me to shut up and nod. But hell no, this will never happen! Not here, not in Egypt, not in Mars! If I was right, I'd defend myself in the most polite way possible. I'd write some bullet points with evidence! Witnesses could be called in as well. I'm not the kind of person who accepts such treatment because she's alone or shy to defend herself. If I was wrong, God forbid, I'd acknowledge committing a mistake, ask for forgiveness but then state that I'd prefer a better way of speaking! Adulting...!

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I Grew Up - 20.0

Warning: long article! A sequel is highly possible. 

Today, I'm celebrating my 20th birthday. So many mixed feelings. Joy, fear, sadness, pride. Loneliness. Your texts, voice notes, photos and calls made my day, thank you everyone! [virtual hugs and kisses]

So lucky that my phone captures the selfie when it detects the smile! This, of course, isn't a home-made tarte...

Nevertheless, I decided to write what I've learnt and did so far during my long (yes, long) life.

During the last few months, I read much more novels and articles about politics, geography, history and biology because I truly suck at them. And I only read articles because I wouldn't be able to finish a whole book on any of these subjects, to be completely honest with you. It felt amazing having some information to discuss with people. I no longer felt ignorant as I used to feel while people brought up subjects I had no idea about. Some new friends even complimented my knowledge, which even pushed me to read more.

I had the habit of deleting toxic people from my life. This year, I understood the effects these people's mean harsh words had on me. I blocked them from social media and ended our friendships. Because....

I put myself first. I am my first priority. Some people would find this statement a bluntly selfish one, but no. I chose to put my happiness and health on top of my priorities for many reasons. I'm not selfish, but I'm not about the sacrifice life too. I won't harm myself to make anyone happy. I help colleagues, friends and family as much as I can of course, but without throwing myself under the bus to do so. 

I realized that not getting some people's validation used to hurt me, especially if it's a close person, but not any more. I no longer wait for people's approval of my choices and decisions. I do what I believe is right (in reference to religion, of course, and my own morals and rules).

I take care of myself. Even in the simplest ways. I try as much as I can to eat healthily, take care of my imperfect skin, terrible knees, sensitive colon, horrible back, you get my point...! No-one will be there for me when I'm 30 looking 50. Easy daily steps make the difference.

I give more and more compliments. Only genuine ones. Telling someone they're smart or beautiful won't diminish your own intelligence or beauty. Telling someone they're smart or beautiful will not only make them happy but it'll make you happy too. Spread the love! 

Now, let's talk about money! I have my own bank account, which is really cool, even though my father's still financially supporting me. But it feels great to be sort of independent. I keep on trying to save money, I fail nine times out of ten, but that's okay.

On a work level, I have a professional CV now and a good cover letter. I also have a LinkedIn account, which turned out to be really how people get jobs these days. Currently, I have no job, but I'm trying to get one. Pray for me.

I'm not so scared of sending emails (especially to professors at college and CEOs). I used to be so scared of even talking to my teacher at my French school. I once sent a teacher a text by mistake and I started panicking for real. But he was a really cool teacher and he took it lightly. I still, however, proof-read any email at least three times, fearing forgetting a comma or being too friendly. But I always end up pressing the send button and getting a reply shortly after with, some times, "okay"only.

Even though I started my driving classes at the age of 17 and finishing most of the classes, I don't have a driving license. My parents were too conscious about letting me drive, no matter how many times my dad sat next to me and observed my awesome driving skills. (I'm kidding, they were only fine). I've always wanted to drive, for some reason I don't even know. I know that driving in Paris isn't really practical and driving in Egypt is nerve-wrecking, but I need to get it out of my system! One day, one day.

I don't judge. I've met people from everywhere who have different morals and thoughts and lifestyles. I genuinely don't judge them even if what they're doing contradicts my own morals and rules. The differences can't stop us from being acquaintances or even friends! A younger version of me would've stayed away from them, so she won't be influenced by them. But I'm mature enough now.

I finally blog! Which is something I've wanted for so long. In order to not repeat myself, here's Why do I REALLY Blog.

Click here to read the second part, I Grew Up 20.1! 

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Why Do I REALLY Blog?

I get asked a lot why I blog, which I find stupid and illogical honestly. It's like asking someone why they post pictures on Instagram, draw comics or read a book...! And since blogging has become an important part of my life for the past months, I think it deserves a final explanation on why I chose it as a hobby.

This article may or may not be updated or edited in the future. Also, sequels may or may not be an option as well.

I've been writing my diaries since I was little. I'm not sure if I've ever shared this before or not, but I've recently found an old diary dating 2006! TWO THOUSAND SIX! Of course, the events documented there are as simple and cute as me obsessing over sea shells I've collected when I was at the beach, but it counts as diary, right? (I mean I still obsess over sea shells and other kids stuff, but back to the initial topic.) I loved documenting my life at this point even if I just ate my favorite chocolate fudge or bought a cute blouse. I loved making these little things last forever.

Me writing in my gang's then-Burn-Book, 2011.

When I grew up and went to middle school ("OMG, I'm finally a teenager!" like), my experiences with people became more complicated. I started writing again, so my diaries would become a future reference, which is really helpful by the way. Reading old ones makes me feel stronger. Makes me motivated to conquer the current issues I have. And as I shared in the So Taylor-Swift-Like article, writing annoying things people did to me helped me figure out their unhealthy patterns and their effects on me.

As I'm currently living abroad, I get asked the same questions many many times, even when I summed them up in another article, dedicated for the  FAQs, it seemed to not  be enough. Even with the constant updates. How's life, college, food, the city and the French themselves. So many questions. My acquaintances need more details and I find it easier to write it once and for all. If anyone asks me a question, I just send him the link to the article explaining in details. You might find it rude, but imagine being asked the same questions a hundred times and being expected to answer with an essay with a limit of 100 words! What is that, a cover letter?

I'm the kind of person who'd go back and read her own old articles and drown in nostalgia, so let me enjoy this. Let me be happy doing what I like and stop judging me or telling me to stop or change the way I do it. Now, don't get me wrong, all pieces of advice are appreciated, but commands aren't. Because I do really love blogging, I've always loved writing. You have no idea how much this small success of my blog means to me.

Have a nice day, fellow human!


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Is It Worth it?

Since day one, I started to notice what I've blindly signed up for. Loneliness and leaving friends and family behind seemed to be the problem, but actually, it's deeper than that. It's the feeling of not belonging in either places. I have lived totally different emotions and experiences from people on both sides that I barely belong to the small number of people like me. Egyptians living in Paris. Only these, almost.

I missed out on birthdays, trips, hangouts and more. I'm missing out on new inside jokes and anecdotes. And sometimes even main life updates. "Oh, did I forget to tell you?". No matter how much I try to keep in touch, it's still hard to send my heart there while the rest of me is here, kilometres away.

My dear friends, on the left, eating sushi and me, on the right, added by them!

What's even unnecessary and annoying is being accused of not caring enough to call or text. As if my  sole purpose in life is to answer or text back when anyone from home contacts me. I get you're busy some times and I respect that, so why don't you too? Why making it harder? My life is full of complications, such accusations would be beyond my energy.

All these long-distance relationships, are they really worth it? Or are we denying the fact that it's almost impossible to live that way? Are they really worth it or am I supposed to start fresh or what? Should I leave my memories behind and make new ones here?

If you think they're really worth it, then help me fight for them then...

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So Taylor-Swift-like

Hi, my name is Samaa, I’m almost twenty and I’m a beginner blogger. I used to write my diaries. I've been writing them since I was little actually. Writing has always been my way of pouring my heart out and a great resource for my future self. Honestly, I like to read my old "manuscripts" to see how I solved such and such, screwed up this and totally nailed that. I've even suggested writing down feelings to some friends, even without publishing them. But they never did it because they’re too lazy. Their loss anyway. (Yes, I’m talking about you, Karim)

I swear to God, I was once so mad at a friend that I dedicated some of my precious time and diaries’ pages (they were pink with flowers, don't judge me) to write down every single annoying and/or terrible thing she’s done to me. I started analysing every trait of her character just as if she were a novel character. I’m sometimes crazy, yes. I came to the conclusion that she wasn't a good person though. So who's the crazy person now!?

A week ago or two, a friend of mine went HIKING (and yes, I’m talking about you, NORAN [red angry face]) at Saint Catherine. Cool right?! No! Because we were supposed to go together with a third friend too. I was too excited, before even telling my parents, that I started considering buying some tools and stuff but she bailed on me! But she went with her family. Betrayal. I was so mad at her for a couple of days. I told her I’ll write an article about betrayal because of you and I’m serious. And the Magnificent Meeral said “So Taylor-Swift-like!” which was funny of course, but so true too.

Taylor probably writing down: "This !@$%# just told me to hurry up, stage in 5.  Nobody tells me to hurry up! Note to self: new song soon"

Many of my articles are written after personal experiences even if it’s not really obvious. Sorry not sorry, but blogging has become a kind of therapy to me. I have many things going on in my mind, and keeping them to myself causes chaos in my head and nobody wants that. With a literally busy schedule, I try to write all my thoughts and feelings as much as I can. What was even cooler was that I found support from friends, even friends of friends and total strangers. Some of them telling me they feel the same way too, others acknowledging my writing skills. I'm really glad I finally used my "gift".

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Home Alone

Not everyone is lucky enough or has really open-minded parents to be able to experience living alone, we must all admit. However I was lucky enough. My parents trust me and believe that the way they raised me is reliable. They worry about me, that's normal, but they never doubt for a second me being off path.

I've been living alone for almost two months, only. But I think it's enough to be able to judge the experience and compare it.

Living alone vs. with parents. 

So far the best thing about living with your parents is not doing chores, according to everyone I meet! But what if you're used to cooking and doing chores at your parents' house? I must admit it came in handy and I even improved my cooking skills! Another awesome thing about living with parents is that you don't have to deal with cash or keep a budget. It is really hard to deal with this. At least for me. Even if I made an Excel sheet to calculate my expenses, it's not enough to estimate how much money I need per month. Because there are always these things that pop out and you have to buy them. Like when it became super cold and I had to buy some warmer clothes. It's urgent, it's sudden and it's also expensive. Everything is, when you live on your own to be honest. I've never noticed how much money I spent on grocery till I took care of the whole thing. I truly feel bad about the damn amount of money my parents have to give me just for food. Electricity. Transportation. WATER. It never ends and it's hectic. Did I mention having to carry grocery because I don't own a car?

On the other hand, you do whatever the hell you want to and no permission needed! Despite the fact that all the shops close early here, I can still have a nice walk late, go jogging or ride a bike. The night is really peaceful with fewer people in the streets. I can cook the meals I want as much as I want. There was a period when I ate salmon and pasta every single day. Why? Why not! It's my favorite dish and no-one's gonna tell me "Enough we've had it yesterday!" when I suggest eating it.

Living alone vs. with a roommate. 

When I first arrived in France, I wasn't 100% prepared and stayed in a hotel for long before I arranged to move into a students residence. And because I'm not lucky enough there was a three-week gap between moving out from the hotel and to my new studio/room/whatever you'd like to call it. I certainly didn't want to spend a fortune so I called a friendly Egyptian student- let's call her Minnie- who has offered before that I stayed with her for while. She accepted that I stay with her, which is awesome because I was so close to sleeping in the streets! Or the subway, because it's heated and there are vending machines, I love vending machines.

So I moved in with Minnie. I tried my best to not be annoying or messy but apparently I failed. Minnie was so strict when it came to the apartment's cleanliness. No dishes should remain in the sink (except after the breakfast cause we're always in a hurry in the morning), weekly moping for the whole place and no bread crumbs on the table. Yeah, I used to leave crumbs on the table, I know it's gross but I would've removed them the next day or something. Anyway, Minnie then decided to make a timetable for the chores. We didn't follow it all the time but it was there, hanging on the kitchen wall, to remind us that we didn't take out the trash and remind me that I left a dish (at least) in the sink.

A week in and I was already used to Minnie by my side. It was really nice to have someone to talk about you day and tell them anecdotes. It was nice to have someone when you're down. And sometimes we hung out and it was, for sure, better than going out alone.

Living alone vs. living alone

I do everything. From chores to waking up on your own. No-one offers to help. Even if you you're tired or sick, you're still single-handed.

I have to be my own guide. No-one tells me to not eat this brownie cause I'll get fat or to not drink tea cause it's bad for my stomach. No-one's gonna tells me to pray, do my assignments or call my relatives to wish them happy feast. If I make a mistake no-one will keep bringing it up to remind and warn me.

I'm my own CEO, boss or president. I only do the dishes when I feel like it or when I have nothing to eat on. I sweep (not mop!) the floor only once a week. Some clothes are on the bed others on the drying stand. Sometimes, few socks are on the floor. And when I'm not comfortable about it I tidy it of course. I can dance, exercise or cry whenever I need wherever I want. The heating is on the temperature I choose and I open the window comme je veux. No. Limits. At. All. And if you're thinking I'm being ridiculous because these are 'minor' things, then I'm sorry these 'minor' things are game changers and they can change your mood 180°! And also, they can affect your health and mood.

But the worst part about living alone is the 'alone' part. Feeling homesick. Needing company. A hug. Needing someone to share your suicidal thoughts with and help you out. I call my friends and family as much as I can but the thing is that it's hard! Sometimes I'm busy, sometimes they are. Sometimes the internet connection sucks. Sometimes I don't wanna bother anyone. Sometimes I can't even move after a long day so calling will be too much effort.

I can't help but overthink. Rethink what you've said and did. Blame myself, even for things that I can't change or didn't do. When you're all alone, you see yourself in a different light. No filters, no lies. You criticize the dark side of you more often, and you hate that side then hate yourself for having one. And this is how you get those suicidal thoughts. "What if?" and "why?" till your head explodes. And the memories and the flashbacks. Those beautiful memories of yours who make your day brighter but trigger your homesickness as well. And those painful flashbacks that swore they'll make regret your not-wise-at-all actions and words.

Honestly, not everyone can live alone. And not everyone can live with a company. Sometimes each phase of our lives even requires a change too. It's too complicated. I'll possibly write a second part.