ADHD diagnosis...not quite surprised!

Hello dear readers! 

Did you miss me? 

I come bearing news, that I can't even qualify as good or as bad. 

Credit: Getty

Last month I was diagnosed with mild ADHD. My psychiatrist ran long, various and exhausting tests. It was a journey, I have to say!

For years, I was not sure if being easily distracted was because of my undiagnosed ADHD or because I was lazy or unable to commit to anything. 

When I was undiagnosed and unaware, which the majority of my life, I was living in the dark. This was how life was like, hard with daily mental obstacles. And I accepted it not knowing it could've been easier and swifter. Then... six years ago, a therapist brought up that I might have ADHD. Eye-opening experience. Then a fellow therapist of his asked me a bunch of questions and she concluded a premature diagnosis that I don't have ADHD. 

This experience left me confused. Few year later, I visited another therapist (for another reason), but when it came to ADHD, he asked me a bunch of questions (again) and concluded that I have "selective attention". Given that this therapist ended up not being that great, this diagnoses meant nothing. 

Misdiagnosis was even worse than the lack of diagnosis. Because I felt something was off, but a trained professional told me basically that I was wrong. So, officially I had no explanation or excuse why my brain was like that, you know? 

But then, finally it all made sense, thank God.

It took my last psychiatrist several sessions to finally to come with the conclusion that I am an ADHDer. A first session to take a general history, then several long (often 4-hour long sessions) with different tests that had to do with short term and long term memory, shapes and colors, math, among other cognitive fields. According to my psychiatrist, this didn't cover all possible cognitive areas. Joke's on my ex-therapists, ha!

When I was undiagnosed and misdiagnosed, I spent those years trying to be better, trying to concentrate more, doing some exercises. Trying to not miss any event or deadline by writing everything in my Google calendar (not a paid ad, but I wish it were). And lots of other measures taken.

My psychiatrist told me these efforts and exercises have been paying off, this is why I have much less to cope with and accommodate to. 

Being undiagnosed then misdiagnosed is definitely a tiring experience, filled with self-doubt, loss and... shame. 

I don't think my life would ever be "normal", but I'm getting so much better already and... I have faith!

Le rouge.

A la manière de Jean-Michel Maulpoix:

 

Le rouge est une couleur chaude.

 

On la trouve partout. À la nature comme à l’artificiel. Au feu, au coucher du soleil, aux feuilles d’arbres en automne, à la fleur et au fruit.

 

Une couleur vibrante, excitante. La couleur de la passion et de l’amour. Les câlins chaleureux, les bisous. Quand nous devenons en colère, timide ou jaloux.

 

On l’ajoute à nos joues, à nos lèvres, à nos ongles, pour se raffiner. On met une robe rouge ou une nuisette rouge pour se sentir attirante, charmante. Un teint qui symbolise la fraîcheur, la jeunesse et la beauté. Une couleur qui accentue la sensualité et le désire. Une couleur qui touche les âmes et fait bouger les émotions.

 

C’est la couleur du sang qui coule dans toutes nos veines. La couleur de la vie et de la mort. Le tout et le rien. Le chagrin et la gaité.

Cutting Ties

 I have cut ties with so many people in the last few years, for various reasons. I regret nothing.

After failing at setting boundaries and failing to limit interactions with them, I resorted to ending some relationships. This is because I decided that I no longer have to tolerate toxic relationships just because they were with people I've known for so long.

I cut ties for either one or both of the following reasons:

First, I don't have to tolerate disrespect and mockery disguised as "jokes". I don't have to tolerate casual sexist and misogynistic jokes and remarks either. I'm sick of being told I'm not "fun" because I don't laugh and engage with them anymore. I'm sick of expressing my feelings and seeing them dismiss them. This is mean, degrading and hurtful. 

And no, I'm not educating anyone anymore. I have tried, I did. I did because I cherished those relationships and thought that I could help these people see the bigger picture and understand where I was coming from. It didn't work out. And believe me, I'm done educating grown-ass adults. 

The internet is free, you can read tons of books, listen to podcasts or even watch YouTube videos. You can join different groups online and talk to different people. If you want to learn you can and you will. But I guess for some people it's way easier to be ignorant and hurtful. It's fine because everyone is free to choose their path. It's also fine, because I don't associate myself with them anymore. 

The second reason, I cut ties when I found myself the only one trying to maintain the relationship. I actually "tested" a former friend of mine: I stopped texting them at all to see if they'd reach out or not. They didn't for months. And I knew that they talked and met with other common friends of ours, so they could've talked to me too. But they chose not to. Our friendship was dying anyway, so I decided that it was enough. And I removed them from all my social media platforms. Just like that. 

My dad always tells me : "Relationships are like ping-pong. You can't be the only one throwing a ball. Both parties have to throw to have a game." Those are words I go by in life and they never missed. 

If you don't put effort, then bye.

How long you've known someone doesn't give you a pass to mistreat them. It doesn't mean you could keep on treating them the same way even though they complained about it.

Anyway, take care of yourself and you loved ones! And don't let anyone mistreat you.

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You don't have to forgive people.

"Forgive them, for you, not them." 

"Forgive them in order to move on and have closure".

"Forgiveness will set you free".

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

Unlike the popular belief, I don't believe everyone deserves forgiveness. Or to be exact, some hurtful words and damaging actions have too much amplitude to be forgiven. And it's okay to hold a grudge.

Especially since they most probably haven't apologized and they don't even find themselves wrong at all. I don't know about you, but it's not easy for me to forgive someone who hasn't come clean and sincerely apologized. If the person doesn't hold themselves accountable and comes forward to apologize, how am I supposed to forgive them? Because "sorry" is the bare minimum I deserve after whatever damage they caused me.

Sometimes our beloved ones tend to pressure us into forgiving who wronged us. To which, I understand their concern and good intention. But actually this is harmful. It puts a lot of pressure and even some guilt on us. They haven't been in your shoes, they don't fully understand your pain, so it's totally understandable that they give you inadequate advice.

If you're unable to forgive someone, I'm here to tell you it's okay. I'm with you. You can totally move on and have closure in other ways:

- Write this person a letter or an email, that you'll never send of course, and express all of your feelings of hurt and disappointment. 

- Go to therapy, untangle the trauma and issues. Work out how you could feel better.

- Surround yourself with people who care about you and understand your pain without pressuring you.

- Distract yourself in a healthy way: get a new hobby, learn a new language, read...

- Instead of waiting for an apology from the person who hurt you, apologize to yourself in their behalf. This might be helpful.

This is the fruit of my own observations, readings and experience. It's not a one-size fits all. But I hope at least it gave you some new perspective.

Stay safe and take care of yourself and your beloved ones.

Living with Chronic Illnesses

Hello! I hope you're well and staying home! Today I'm sharing a bit of a personal area of my life.

As a lot of my peers, I'm young but my body feels a lot older.

I'm 23 now,  but I have more health issues than my baby boomer* parents. Combined. No joke.

When I was in grade 10, so about 17 years old, I started having knee problems. Climbing stairs for me is such an exhausting mandatory activity. I have to lean on the handrail, and I climb it really slowly. I really have to get this checked. But to my defense, it runs in my paternal family and I know that it's not curable anyway. But, sure, I'll go check it.

Two years later, I was so angry at someone who was really provoking and annoying me. Few hours later, I had killing pain that I failed to identify, I was in so much agony. Next morning the pain was much worse, I was screaming. After running some tests, I found out that I have IBS. Which means, any time I'm stressed and/or angry, I have really bad pain. It's close to period pain, if I could compare to anything else. When I'm on my period, my colon pain gets sooooo much worse. Medications really do nothing, so I have to quit certain foods and keep my cool to contain my pain. This didn't work much, till I was recently diagnosed with lactose intolerance. Now, I can control my symptoms much more and my life became easier, thank God.

When I was in high school, too, because apparently all my issues started then, I was working out in the gym, when suddenly my back cracked in a wrong way. Since then it started hurting. I went to several doctors in vain. And my condition got worse gradually. I recently visited a doctor and was diagnosed with mild Scoliosis (curvature of the spine). My treatment plan is really complicated since I spend at least two months in Egypt each year. But I'll figure it out.

I currently have what I hope to be a temporary problem: tendon inflammation in my right wrist that shoots up to my whole arm, shoulder and neck. So obviously I can't use my right arm. So much fun! I tried a treatment that didn't work out and I was originally waiting to go back to Egypt to continue my treatment, but now I'm waiting for the pandemic to end haha.

Living with chronic pain all the time made me used to it for sure. Some days are worse than the others, of course. Some days I can't function at all. But what I really want people to understand is: living with chronic pain is living with of 40% of pain capacity (for example). So if I have a headache, it's not just a headache, it's a headache on top of other old issues. Which means I'm at 60% of pain capacity (for example). 

* Baby boomer: is a term used to refer to people born between 1946 and 1964. (my mom was born a few years after, but being a boomer is a lifestyle and mentality more than anything)

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Lockdown.

23/03/2020

I can't believe I'm writing this, I can't believe this is actually happening. This all feels like a horror movie. Or science-fiction. The coronavirus outbreak is really scary, the statistics are scary, the uncertainties we live on a daily basis are scary.  I don't want to spread negativity, and I won't.

I wish everyone's safe and home. Please be responsible. 

This lock-down gave all of us so much more spare time than usual. I'm not counting anymore the days. Time's become an illusion to me at this point.

From my balcony.

Like everyone, I spent a lot of time thinking and wondering about life. There are a lot of aspects of my life that I've been taking for granted: going out for fun, gatherings or even running errands. Hugging my beloved ones. Going shopping whenever I wanted even if it was for a pair of socks without caution or too much thinking. Buying non-essentials like desserts, takeout or even a pack of gum.

On the other hand, I appreciate basic necessities I've always had and still have despite a global pandemic: a roof over my head, electricity, water, a good internet connection and food. This reinforced my sense of responsibility and community towards less fortunate people out there. We're all in this together.

With more time on my hand, I found myself contacting old friends checking on them. I've been so busy, and they were too, that I didn't realize that I haven't caught up with some friends for a year or two. I call my close friends and family more frequently too. And they were a big help to fight the lack of social life I'm currently living as an extrovert.

During this time, I realized how some celebrities are straight-up stupid. There was this Egyptian "influencer" who posted the most obnoxious hair stylist ad ever, something along the lines of "I know everyone is having a hard time now, but look at my hair!! It was done by the talented Nobody Cares!!" Others shined differently. If you know me, you know I'm a huge fan of Justin Baldoni, he was the star on Jane the Virgin, but that's not why I love him, he always tackles the subject of healthy masculinity. So, anyway, Justin Baldoni used his platform many times to raise awareness about coronavirus and he tried to be helpful. For example, he had a live "interview" with his therapist so people could ask him questions about mental health during this tough time. Egyptian actors and athletes also had a challenge where they financially support families in need and nominate each other. This is a good use of fame!

This catastrophe highlighted the heroic role of doctors and all the healthcare workers. They have to deal with a lot of stress on a daily basis, let alone be very close to the virus. When we talk about people risking their lives during this pandemic, we often forget people who are still working and have to be in contact with the public: all the people working in the food industries whether they are  supermarket cashiers or farmers, people working in maintenance, cleaning and collecting garbage. Let alone volunteers helping people in need on a daily basis. The list is very long. Those people are the real stars, and they have been working backstage all this time. What is sad and unfair is that they're underpaid worldwide, but that it for another day.

I've always had in the back of my mind the saying "Everything but God is mortal" and could go in a split of a second. But our reality is a whole new level of change. This is beyond what anyone could've expected or imagined. All of our lives are on hold, despite how dynamic they were just before this.

I currently don't post much, but I'm trying to post more I swear! So click here to subscribe by email, and click here to read an old article. See you soon I hope! Take care.

2 Houses and No Home

Home

The place where I can go

To take this off my shoulder

Someone take me home 

- Home, by Machine Gun Kelly, Bebe Rexha and X Ambassadors.

Please excuse my photo editing skills.

Regardless of the fact that I was born in Kuwait and spent around 4 years there (and later many summers), I don't consider it home... anymore.

I've lived in Egypt till I was 19. I went to two main different schools. Played sports. Had hobbies. Made friends, bonded with them through ups and downs. Lost friends. Bonded with my family. Learned about life, more or less. Ate and appreciated the traditional food. Spoke the language. Followed (some of) the traditions. Got a permanent tan, there are like 322 sunny days per year in Egypt, so yeah.

But my small teenage world changed when I moved out to study in France. I spoke their language. Got used to their food, and loved it by the way. Gradually lost some of the tan during winter, but regain it each summer, back home. The constant skin tone change is so weird actually. Made new friends. Went to conferences and events. Got acquainted. Learned about adult life and responsibilities. Took care of myself. Took care of others. Experienced life more maturely. Learned about some of the traditions. Connected with people back home.

When I'm in Egypt, I miss some aspects of France. And when I'm in France, I miss Egypt.

Gradually and unconsciously, France is becoming more my home. This is why each time I go back, it's less sad. It feels now like leaving a home to go to another. But also, sometimes it feels like having no home at all. Very confusing..

This living situation taught me patience, sacrifice and gratitude. Every time I book a ticket, I'm so excited to go back to a home, I even countdown the days. Sometimes the hours. I have to sacrifice so many things. I miss out on a lot of events and life updates of my beloved ones when I'm in France. But if I would live in Egypt for good, I'd miss out on studying at La Sorbonne (obviously) and on so many other opportunities down the line. 

You can't have the cake and eat it. But I'm definitely grateful for everything, and I'm hopefully making the best decision for me, my career and future. إن شاء الله.