Starting Over.

An anonymous contribution.

Credit: minhamakeglamour.com

Ending a relationship is hard on so many levels. One of the hardest parts for me is the notion of starting all over with someone new. It's scary.

It's scary that after investing in a friendship and then a relationship, I have to throw all of that away. It's what Coldplay described as "When you love someone and it goes to waste". All of this effort becomes...nothing. A void. Zero.

After exposing my deepest fears, saddest memories, issues and small details, I have to re-do all of that again. And of course, what I've told before day by day, would be said now in a sentence. A sentence that might include the most important parts of what happened, but would never show the emotions I've lived. "I had many issues" would replace months or even years of agony. Where my then-lover was a shoulder to cry on, listener and problem solver. Where he was the bright side of my shattered life. The highlight of my gloomy days.

All the inside jokes, catch phrases and common interests are meaningless now. I hate it when I accidentally use them with someone else, because I know only him could understand.

It needs a lot of energy. A new will to commit and communicate. And a bunch of other things. Because my walls have been broken down by my ex-lover but were doubled up once he broke my heart.

Is it even possible to trust someone again and expose myself this much? Was I even wrong to do it before? 

But I know that eventually, I'll move on. Because I've done it before.

Also, click here for a related article.

If you liked or related to this article somehow, give it a thumbs up and don't be so shy to leave a comment, I won't bite, I swear! 

You can also be notified by email, click here.

Advice.

Advice. We've all given and received them at some point of our life. Whether it's good or bad advice. [I'm literally smirking as I write this]

2016 - A photo taken by an anonymous person, if you took it please come forward.
I have no idea what's the context of this photos as well, apart from working on the ROV report, but I felt like it suited the article, so here you go!

Have you ever faced a situation where you felt the urge and need to give advice? Like, for instance, when your friend's complaining about their job, family or partner? Well, don't. Just don't give advice unless you've been asked to. I personally find it really annoying when I get interrupted in the middle of telling an awful experience or problem. And I'm sure many people feel the same way too. A voice in my head screams during such situations something that goes along the lines of: "Stop.", "Just let me rant." and "I just want to get all my emotions and tension out. That's all, I promise." So what should you do instead? I promise you that simply listening is what we want. I p r o m i s e. If we want more, we'll ask. A very helpful thing to do as well is asking your ranter about their feelings and just let them let it all out! "How do you feel about this?" is a magic spell.

Besides this, I do love giving tips and advice. I would be lying if I said I've never given unasked-for advice. I'm sure I've done it, but I won't again. But really, I love advising people. Especially when it's something I'm good at or knowledgeable of. An example of topics I excelled in advising in is studying abroad. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not full of myself, but I've spent all four years of high school searching and asking about colleges abroad that I roughly know the best spot for most of the needs. So when a younger friend asks me about French colleges I feel great when I help them. It feels like donating a part of your brain, if that's not too weird. 

Some times I've been given bad advice. And when I say "bad" I mean unsuitable. If you know me, you'd know that I expect all good intentions from people. So it's not a question of someone trying to hurt me or be better than me, no. It's a matter of giving me advice that worked for them or their friends but won't work for me. Like, for example, if I rant about being short on money and a friend advises me to stop buying mineral water because the tap water is just fine, this won't work for me. I'd be the only homeless drinking mineral water in the world, because I just can't. And yes, water has a taste. And each brand tastes completely different. I swear you could blindfold me and  I'd identify them. But that's not the point of the article, I'll write another one about my tasting sense. Back to the advice.

Other times, I was almost forced to follow the advice. I mean, I get it, this specific piece of advice has changed your entire life, but it still won't work for me, so why insist? Also, why do people feel offended when I don't follow their advice? (Whether I asked for it or not ) I mean I haven't asked for your advice, then you should know why by now. And if I asked you for it but didn't follow it, I swear by God that I've never meant to disrespect you. It's just that I probably asked many people in order to collect ideas and opinions before analysing and deciding. But your opinion and advice still matter to me! And I still love you, yes! And you should understand that if I do ask you for advice, this means you mean a lot to me. Even if I don't follow it. Yes. 

If you liked or related to this article somehow, give it a thumbs up and don't be so shy to leave a comment, I won't bite, I swear! 

You can also be notified by email, click here.

Don't Let Me Down

Being let down sucks. I guess many of my beloved readers could relate to that. But here's my own experience.

Hanging down - 2012

I don't put high hopes and expectations unless I believe in the person. Either out of love, trust or a long history. But most likely, love.

So when I'm let down, it physically hurts me. Beyond imagination . It breaks my heart. I become so angry and could even scream.

I'm usually strong, but when it comes to someone I've deeply loved and trusted, the disappointment and betrayal weaken me.

It takes me some time to fix the broken pieces and be able to stand up again. And of course I lean on other beloved ones to go back to the field and resume the fight.

I don't automatically stop trusting people afterwards. Because everyone is different and it'd be unfair to distrust everyone because of a person, wouldn't it ?

Forgiveness? Yes. I've recently discovered that I don't hold grudges, but only if they come back regretting what they've done. Apologizing isn't even remotely enough for me. I need to feel the remorse and regret. To see, later on, some effort, and eventually, some changes. "Sorry" won't fix anything.

If the regret was followed by another disappointment, it's almost impossible to win me back.

Don't let me down.

If you liked or related to this article somehow, give it a thumbs up and don't be so shy to leave a comment, I won't bite, I swear! 

You can also be notified by email, click here.

Signs of a Real Friendship

Friendship is not about how much time you spend together or how much you laugh. Those parts could easily be fulfilled since no-one would walk away from you in your best days. Depending on my humble experience in life, almost 21 years, the following are some signs of a real friendship.

Real friends are there for you "when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year". They offer you all possible kinds of support. They'd do anything to cheer you up, joking, making funny faces, tickling you, silly dancing, you name it. They'll try their best to help you in your issues. If they can't give you solutions to your problems they'll try to ease the pain at least. Having someone to rant to is so rare.

You don't feel ashamed being vulnerable in front of them. No matter how tough or strong you are, you expose your sensitive side to them. If you're like me, a rare crier, you don't feel weak if you cried in front of your close friends. You wouldn't hesitate much. They help you glue your broken parts, with no judgement or underestimation. Your feelings and emotions are valid to them.

You know your friendship is real when you don't think too much before talking with them. They'd never judge your unpopular opinions and views. They'd never broadcast your latest news.

No need for straightforward words when your friends can read your facial expressions like an open book. No matter how hard you're trying to act normal, they'll know you're down. They'll respect your privacy if you're a secretive person or bomb you with questions if you're not. Which is because..

They know what you want and need. Advice? Hugs? A shoulder to cry on? Support? They know it all, and if they don't they'll try their best.

Trust is of course a sign of a true friendship. It's not just for keeping the secrets but it's also trusting that they've got your back. They'll defend you behind your back.

Real friends don't comfort  you with a lie. Instead they tell you straight to your face that you're wrong or you need to improve. For example, when you ask a real friend "What am I doing wrong? Why is my life falling apart" her reply would be something like "Because you don't sleep enough. You need to work out. Stop keeping toxic people around..." This is because true friends want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and emotionally. Even if they know their reply could upset you now, but they know you'll thank them later.

Don't you some times feel weak? Like, you need support making a call or sending an important email. Well, real ones would be there for you as well. Real ones would write your super important email with you sitting next to them anxiously. Real ones would help you write your CV or look for scholarships when you're too lazy or down to do it yourself. Real friends are basically and unconditionally extra arms and brains. I don't want to brag or anything, but I booked a doctor's appointment for my friend the other day, yeah.

Some of my real friends have a superpower. Yeah, I know, right? When I'm secretly sad, I find them calling, sending me old photos of us and/or memes, randomly complimenting me and checking up on me. "I have the feeling you're not okay." And needless to say, lying to them is useless because they end up knowing.

Another superpower some have is understanding when to give me advice and when to just listen. I wrote a whole article about advice, click here to check it out!

If you liked or related to this article somehow, give it a thumbs up and don't be so shy to leave a comment, I won't bite, I swear! 

You can also be notified by email, click here.

"Home": Chapter Two

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the second chapter of "Home"! If you haven't read the first one, click here!

Photo credit: favim.com

The party was sweet. It was many hours long, not caring that the poor Sarah has been on a long trip. She didn't complain, she was too tired she almost fainted. Or did she?

The next morning, she woke up with a terrible headache. Jetlag symptoms. Determined to fill all her vacation time with productive activities and hangouts, she got up and managed to freshen up. The bathroom hasn't been changed at all. No matter how many times Alia said she wanted to renovate it, she never did. Her children knew she’s been short on cash so there was no blame at all. The mirror was still cracked from the right top corner. Flashbacks rushed into Sarah’s head, despite she closed her eyes to wash them away. She tried to look into the mirror instead of at it. Her reflection was better than her expectations, to be honest. Her panda eyes felt puffy but weren't actually. Her oval-shaped face and thin lips were dry from the lack of water, but that was fine. Her dark hair was a bit greasy so she concluded that it must be washed, soon. She couldn't help but judge her own nose, she’s always disliked it and called it “typical ugly Egyptian nose”. Not only people could be mean to themselves, but also racist, apparently…

All her toiletries were still in her backpack, she almost forgot she unpacked nothing. Either spending the two weeks living out of the luggage or getting a grip and unpacking for the love of God and all the clean tidy things, it was her choice! She did the right thing and fetched her expensive shower gel and shampoo and her average toothbrush and loofah. The warm water relaxed her a lot. At the age of twenty-six, it was hard to face something that a warm shower couldn't fix. Or at least for that specific moment anyway.

In the kitchen, she wished she had brought her new coffee machine instead of drinking cheap instant coffee. “How did I use to drink this on a daily basis? This is garbage!” she told herself. Caffeine was caffeine anyway, so she’d be focused and energetic in a bit, she was sure. Also, walking or driving to the nearest coffee shop in such state wasn't the smartest thing to do, right?

The fridge was full of cheese, vegetables, juice boxes and eggs. The typical “Sarah’s coming home” kind of shopping that she’s always found very sweet and thoughtful. No matter how many times she came back home, each time she missed the good, but not so healthy, local food. And every time she overate. But she was on vacation, so she deserved it. She’s been working really hard all year long, so she definitely deserved it.

Sitting in her room, she scrolled down the social media for a while then decided to watch a movie to kill some time. Still too lazy to plan her activities and stuff. Loneliness hunted her, as usual, but she didn't care, too. She tried so hard not to think of anything that was significant or game-changer. She washed away her thoughts and focused on the subtitled movie. After all those years in Germany, she still hasn't mastered the language. No matter how many hours she practised with a “friend” or how many series she watched, she still wasn't fluent enough.

It was then noon but Alia was still sleeping. Typical. Shady was at college and would probably come back home late if he had to work too. She wanted to call him to tell him to come stay with her, spend some sister-brother time. But no. He was surely busy.

She’s always been the overly-protective sister who’s been always worried but hides it so she wouldn’t scare her brother. His recent actions were worthy of worrying and constant checking, honestly. However, Sarah knew better than bringing them up and discomforting her little brother. She spent years trying to win his trust and she sort of became his friend, thus it would be recklessly stupid to throw at him questions, investigation-like, or even Alia-like.

After the movie ended, not very pleased with it, she grabbed her smartphone and texted her girl friends in their group chat. “Heyyy girls!! I’m finally here so we should totally hang out!!” she typed, as if they haven’t already known. She fooled herself into thinking she might even meet them more than once. Her gang has become a mix of busy and workaholic mommies. Going out with them with their toddlers was never Sarah’s ideal girls’ night out. She longed for their outings together before each one of them got stuck in a marriage. She was never ready for them bashing their husbands and in-laws but she always had to listen attentively. She loved her friends after all, no matter how they’ve changed and no matter how she’s changed too. Compromise was key.

The replies were typical, “Yes suuuuure”, “Thank God for your safety, how was the flight?” and “We missed you so much”. She replied to the kind words then suggested they went out the next weekend and waited for a reply, laying on the bed. Beep. A text, but not from the gang. It was Salah: “Someone came back home without even dropping by and saying hi!”. Here we go again, the teasing. So, she teased back “Tell Auntie Eiman I say hi and kiss her for me!”

Instant reply: “I’m serious, we want you to come have lunch with us today. Come at around 5, I come back home at 4ish”

“I’m sorry I can’t, I changed my mealtimes a long time ago. Now, I eat lunch at noon. [tongue emoji]” She wasn't even sure if she was teasing anymore.

“How about tea at least? Tea at 6 or 7?” He was genuine and willing.  She sensed it.

“Tea sounds fine” Although she was dead sure he hasn't even told his parents they would have her that day. A cup of tea and a chat with his parents and him wouldn't harm. Alia would definitely insist on coming and even bringing Shady if he was free too.

“See you soon then. Back to work!”

Growing up next to each other, then drifting apart through the continents, they must've missed each other, normal. The last vacation he barely had the chance to lay an eye on her let alone talk to her. They went to the same school, constantly visited with their “mothers”. But what wasn't normal, that they didn't both feel the same way about each other.  What was even worse, that they had no idea they weren't on the same page.

If you liked this article, give it a +1 and share it with your friends! Follow me on +Google for more!! You can also be notified by email, click here. 

So Taylor-Swift-like

Hi, my name is Samaa, I’m almost twenty and I’m a beginner blogger. I used to write my diaries. I've been writing them since I was little actually. Writing has always been my way of pouring my heart out and a great resource for my future self. Honestly, I like to read my old "manuscripts" to see how I solved such and such, screwed up this and totally nailed that. I've even suggested writing down feelings to some friends, even without publishing them. But they never did it because they’re too lazy. Their loss anyway. (Yes, I’m talking about you, Karim)

I swear to God, I was once so mad at a friend that I dedicated some of my precious time and diaries’ pages (they were pink with flowers, don't judge me) to write down every single annoying and/or terrible thing she’s done to me. I started analysing every trait of her character just as if she were a novel character. I’m sometimes crazy, yes. I came to the conclusion that she wasn't a good person though. So who's the crazy person now!?

A week ago or two, a friend of mine went HIKING (and yes, I’m talking about you, NORAN [red angry face]) at Saint Catherine. Cool right?! No! Because we were supposed to go together with a third friend too. I was too excited, before even telling my parents, that I started considering buying some tools and stuff but she bailed on me! But she went with her family. Betrayal. I was so mad at her for a couple of days. I told her I’ll write an article about betrayal because of you and I’m serious. And the Magnificent Meeral said “So Taylor-Swift-like!” which was funny of course, but so true too.

Taylor probably writing down: "This !@$%# just told me to hurry up, stage in 5.  Nobody tells me to hurry up! Note to self: new song soon"

Many of my articles are written after personal experiences even if it’s not really obvious. Sorry not sorry, but blogging has become a kind of therapy to me. I have many things going on in my mind, and keeping them to myself causes chaos in my head and nobody wants that. With a literally busy schedule, I try to write all my thoughts and feelings as much as I can. What was even cooler was that I found support from friends, even friends of friends and total strangers. Some of them telling me they feel the same way too, others acknowledging my writing skills. I'm really glad I finally used my "gift".

If you liked this article, give it a +1 and share it with your friends! Follow me on +Google for more!! You can also be notified by email, click here. 

Friendship

To Kotions,

Warning: relatively long article.

I was told when I was in middle school that it's impolite to take food from a friend if they offered me. I was prohibited to discuss religion, social status or private family issues with friends. My mom taught me to be friends with anyone as long as they're good people, with morals. I was taught to initiate the conversations and friendships, that "Don't wait for people to come and talk to you" and "You should be brave!".

I have had a close friend for years. We were so close I decided to call her "sister" instead of "friend". I was mean to her many times. I won't justify myself. We had some huge fights too. Our friendship ended. I regretted how I treated her and apologised, but it was too late, she already made new friends.

Later, I have had another close friend for (like) four years, I'm not sure, I can't remember. We spent the days listening to the same teachers and walking together during break. Chatting and laughing. We spent the afternoon getting ready for swimming practice and eating lunch. The nights were for our "adventures". Then each went home to do her homework then sleep. And repeat. Some days we even spent the nights talking on the phone about, what was supposed to be, secrets. That was my first long friendship. But it ended, and honestly, it ended because of me. I was the bad guy.

Later, and after a lonely period of time, I made two/three new friends. The reason behind the hesitation in their number, is that one of them wasn't completely in the gang. She was the kind of amie de tous person. Plus, she talked behind our back saying she got bored of us.

Moving on, the other two, let's call them Mary and Mona, and I spent the break time together everyday. Mary was even sitting next to me in class two years in a row. She was one the funniest girl I've ever met, back then. Her comments made me laugh during the lessons, while she was acting quiet in class. She was amazing. But unfortunately, when I left school, we lost contact. Mary was too studious to hang out with me or even contact me via phone or Facebook. I understood this quickly and stepped out of her life.

As for Mona, let's just say she wasn't her best version back then. She flaked most of the time. Each time I defended her in front of my mother, hoping she wouldn't cancel just before the meeting time. We argued a lot, accusing each other of being jealous of each other, for instance. On top of that, she betrayed me in a horrible way. I'm sure her side of the story is interesting, but she wouldn't even be able to justify her betrayal.

The summer of 2011, I made a new friend, in an English course. We had a "project" together and that was how we got to know each other. There was a kind of instant connection. Few months later, we had a fight and friendship-broke-up. For a  stupid reason, and I guess that was why we became friends again. We still are. No words could describe our friendship. Most of it, we were in two different continents! Being busy ladies meant rarely video-calling and since she's terrible at texting, video-calls were the only options

The next chapter in my life was a double opportunity: I met new people during summer and then I changed my school. The kids at my new school were unbearable. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't befriend them. Mean, arrogant bullies. (Except for few ones whom I still talk to, hey Mai and Yara! [insert multiple pink hearts] ). 

The "summer people" turned out to be good people. I was a better Samaa myself. They gradually became a sort of a family to me over the years. Taking care of each other, helping, giving some advice, going out, sharing food,  travelling, deep talks, working, pulling all nighters... We had it all. Those are the people I wished to keep in touch with till the end. Endless laughs and memories. Infinite inside jokes which no-one could get unless a member of Kotions family. Pranks. Photos. Videos. Songs. Comics. Movies. A long thread of common interests and memories. [insert pink hearts and smiley faces]

Will our friendship survive distance?

If you liked this article, give it a +1 and share it with your friends! Follow me on +Google for more!!