"Forgive them, for you, not them."
"Forgive them in order to move on and have closure".
"Forgiveness will set you free".
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| Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash |
Unlike the popular belief, I don't believe everyone deserves forgiveness. Or to be exact, some hurtful words and damaging actions have too much amplitude to be forgiven. And it's okay to hold a grudge.
Especially since they most probably haven't apologized and they don't even find themselves wrong at all. I don't know about you, but it's not easy for me to forgive someone who hasn't come clean and sincerely apologized. If the person doesn't hold themselves accountable and comes forward to apologize, how am I supposed to forgive them? Because "sorry" is the bare minimum I deserve after whatever damage they caused me.
Sometimes our beloved ones tend to pressure us into forgiving who wronged us. To which, I understand their concern and good intention. But actually this is harmful. It puts a lot of pressure and even some guilt on us. They haven't been in your shoes, they don't fully understand your pain, so it's totally understandable that they give you inadequate advice.
If you're unable to forgive someone, I'm here to tell you it's okay. I'm with you. You can totally move on and have closure in other ways:
- Write this person a letter or an email, that you'll never send of course, and express all of your feelings of hurt and disappointment.
- Go to therapy, untangle the trauma and issues. Work out how you could feel better.
- Surround yourself with people who care about you and understand your pain without pressuring you.
- Distract yourself in a healthy way: get a new hobby, learn a new language, read...
- Instead of waiting for an apology from the person who hurt you, apologize to yourself in their behalf. This might be helpful.
This is the fruit of my own observations, readings and experience. It's not a one-size fits all. But I hope at least it gave you some new perspective.
Stay safe and take care of yourself and your beloved ones.
