Starting Over.

An anonymous contribution.

Credit: minhamakeglamour.com

Ending a relationship is hard on so many levels. One of the hardest parts for me is the notion of starting all over with someone new. It's scary.

It's scary that after investing in a friendship and then a relationship, I have to throw all of that away. It's what Coldplay described as "When you love someone and it goes to waste". All of this effort becomes...nothing. A void. Zero.

After exposing my deepest fears, saddest memories, issues and small details, I have to re-do all of that again. And of course, what I've told before day by day, would be said now in a sentence. A sentence that might include the most important parts of what happened, but would never show the emotions I've lived. "I had many issues" would replace months or even years of agony. Where my then-lover was a shoulder to cry on, listener and problem solver. Where he was the bright side of my shattered life. The highlight of my gloomy days.

All the inside jokes, catch phrases and common interests are meaningless now. I hate it when I accidentally use them with someone else, because I know only him could understand.

It needs a lot of energy. A new will to commit and communicate. And a bunch of other things. Because my walls have been broken down by my ex-lover but were doubled up once he broke my heart.

Is it even possible to trust someone again and expose myself this much? Was I even wrong to do it before? 

But I know that eventually, I'll move on. Because I've done it before.

Also, click here for a related article.

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Signs of a Real Friendship

Friendship is not about how much time you spend together or how much you laugh. Those parts could easily be fulfilled since no-one would walk away from you in your best days. Depending on my humble experience in life, almost 21 years, the following are some signs of a real friendship.

Real friends are there for you "when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year". They offer you all possible kinds of support. They'd do anything to cheer you up, joking, making funny faces, tickling you, silly dancing, you name it. They'll try their best to help you in your issues. If they can't give you solutions to your problems they'll try to ease the pain at least. Having someone to rant to is so rare.

You don't feel ashamed being vulnerable in front of them. No matter how tough or strong you are, you expose your sensitive side to them. If you're like me, a rare crier, you don't feel weak if you cried in front of your close friends. You wouldn't hesitate much. They help you glue your broken parts, with no judgement or underestimation. Your feelings and emotions are valid to them.

You know your friendship is real when you don't think too much before talking with them. They'd never judge your unpopular opinions and views. They'd never broadcast your latest news.

No need for straightforward words when your friends can read your facial expressions like an open book. No matter how hard you're trying to act normal, they'll know you're down. They'll respect your privacy if you're a secretive person or bomb you with questions if you're not. Which is because..

They know what you want and need. Advice? Hugs? A shoulder to cry on? Support? They know it all, and if they don't they'll try their best.

Trust is of course a sign of a true friendship. It's not just for keeping the secrets but it's also trusting that they've got your back. They'll defend you behind your back.

Real friends don't comfort  you with a lie. Instead they tell you straight to your face that you're wrong or you need to improve. For example, when you ask a real friend "What am I doing wrong? Why is my life falling apart" her reply would be something like "Because you don't sleep enough. You need to work out. Stop keeping toxic people around..." This is because true friends want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and emotionally. Even if they know their reply could upset you now, but they know you'll thank them later.

Don't you some times feel weak? Like, you need support making a call or sending an important email. Well, real ones would be there for you as well. Real ones would write your super important email with you sitting next to them anxiously. Real ones would help you write your CV or look for scholarships when you're too lazy or down to do it yourself. Real friends are basically and unconditionally extra arms and brains. I don't want to brag or anything, but I booked a doctor's appointment for my friend the other day, yeah.

Some of my real friends have a superpower. Yeah, I know, right? When I'm secretly sad, I find them calling, sending me old photos of us and/or memes, randomly complimenting me and checking up on me. "I have the feeling you're not okay." And needless to say, lying to them is useless because they end up knowing.

Another superpower some have is understanding when to give me advice and when to just listen. I wrote a whole article about advice, click here to check it out!

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My Personalities

And here I am, finally. Due to many personal and academic obligations, it has been very hard to publish lately. I'm trying as much as possible to include writing in my daily routine, because it's one of my priorities, but some times it's hard. I'm sure my beloved readers understand.

I have to admit, I have multiple personalities. Some people might call this sides of the same person, but to me, they're sort of very different disconnected people.

Decision Maker: this is the master mind, obviously. The voice inside my head and the most assertive version of me. She's assertive (and bossy) to the rest of them, most importantly, and to basically anyone else.

Romantic Samaa: she's been locked in the attic her whole life.  You can imagine how weird and awkward she is. And she rarely shows up during the kissing scenes in movies. Last witnessed in the year.. um.. She's probably gone missing. Next..!

10-year-old: the one who suggests the most reckless actions. She's responsible for all the crazy last-minute plans and actions. Blinded by her passions, she has no boundaries. Every road to a desire of hers is a straight line.

Savage Samaa: my favorite one. Prepare some cold water before dealing with her cause the burns are real. She's not afraid of dancing around the lines, never crossed them though.

Sensitive Samaa: somehow she's there. She knows quite well she doesn't belong, but she stays nevertheless. But at least, she's not emotional enough to cry over every single thing. She's the one of the least apparent Samaas. She's always there, but backstage, for very few people to see.

Fun Sky: the one responsable for the jokes and excessive laughter. She's so extrovert it might scare new acquaintances. Especially if they're a little shy. Loves memes and comics more than anything else in the world. Capable of dancing anywhere, not caring for strangers' glares.

Moods: the most annoying one, cause to be completely honest all of them are (to an extent). She hates everyone including herself.. She's currently packing her stuff and prepared for leaving for good. Nobody is going to miss her and they made it clear.

The Realest: the one who'd tell you straight to your face that you basically suck. She and the Decision Maker get along. So, yeah. If you come to Samaa for advice, she's the one handling it.

Teddy Bear: the cute one. The one who shows love and affection, gives compliments and heartfelt life advice. She could tell you out of the blue that she loves you and appreciates your existence. A new member.

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I Grew Up - 20.0

Warning: long article! A sequel is highly possible. 

Today, I'm celebrating my 20th birthday. So many mixed feelings. Joy, fear, sadness, pride. Loneliness. Your texts, voice notes, photos and calls made my day, thank you everyone! [virtual hugs and kisses]

So lucky that my phone captures the selfie when it detects the smile! This, of course, isn't a home-made tarte...

Nevertheless, I decided to write what I've learnt and did so far during my long (yes, long) life.

During the last few months, I read much more novels and articles about politics, geography, history and biology because I truly suck at them. And I only read articles because I wouldn't be able to finish a whole book on any of these subjects, to be completely honest with you. It felt amazing having some information to discuss with people. I no longer felt ignorant as I used to feel while people brought up subjects I had no idea about. Some new friends even complimented my knowledge, which even pushed me to read more.

I had the habit of deleting toxic people from my life. This year, I understood the effects these people's mean harsh words had on me. I blocked them from social media and ended our friendships. Because....

I put myself first. I am my first priority. Some people would find this statement a bluntly selfish one, but no. I chose to put my happiness and health on top of my priorities for many reasons. I'm not selfish, but I'm not about the sacrifice life too. I won't harm myself to make anyone happy. I help colleagues, friends and family as much as I can of course, but without throwing myself under the bus to do so. 

I realized that not getting some people's validation used to hurt me, especially if it's a close person, but not any more. I no longer wait for people's approval of my choices and decisions. I do what I believe is right (in reference to religion, of course, and my own morals and rules).

I take care of myself. Even in the simplest ways. I try as much as I can to eat healthily, take care of my imperfect skin, terrible knees, sensitive colon, horrible back, you get my point...! No-one will be there for me when I'm 30 looking 50. Easy daily steps make the difference.

I give more and more compliments. Only genuine ones. Telling someone they're smart or beautiful won't diminish your own intelligence or beauty. Telling someone they're smart or beautiful will not only make them happy but it'll make you happy too. Spread the love! 

Now, let's talk about money! I have my own bank account, which is really cool, even though my father's still financially supporting me. But it feels great to be sort of independent. I keep on trying to save money, I fail nine times out of ten, but that's okay.

On a work level, I have a professional CV now and a good cover letter. I also have a LinkedIn account, which turned out to be really how people get jobs these days. Currently, I have no job, but I'm trying to get one. Pray for me.

I'm not so scared of sending emails (especially to professors at college and CEOs). I used to be so scared of even talking to my teacher at my French school. I once sent a teacher a text by mistake and I started panicking for real. But he was a really cool teacher and he took it lightly. I still, however, proof-read any email at least three times, fearing forgetting a comma or being too friendly. But I always end up pressing the send button and getting a reply shortly after with, some times, "okay"only.

Even though I started my driving classes at the age of 17 and finishing most of the classes, I don't have a driving license. My parents were too conscious about letting me drive, no matter how many times my dad sat next to me and observed my awesome driving skills. (I'm kidding, they were only fine). I've always wanted to drive, for some reason I don't even know. I know that driving in Paris isn't really practical and driving in Egypt is nerve-wrecking, but I need to get it out of my system! One day, one day.

I don't judge. I've met people from everywhere who have different morals and thoughts and lifestyles. I genuinely don't judge them even if what they're doing contradicts my own morals and rules. The differences can't stop us from being acquaintances or even friends! A younger version of me would've stayed away from them, so she won't be influenced by them. But I'm mature enough now.

I finally blog! Which is something I've wanted for so long. In order to not repeat myself, here's Why do I REALLY Blog.

Click here to read the second part, I Grew Up 20.1! 

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FIFTY SHADES ROOMMATE-R

Hi, remember us, Samaa and Noura, the roommates? Well, we've got some new craziness to share with you. So buckle your seatbelt and come on board! If you haven't read the first part, click here.

Eating Nutella, banana and almonds crêpe.

1. Telepathy

We reached an advanced point in communication. I told her "Let's get dressed and go! I will bring the thingy to buy the thingy" She replied with a simple okay. I asked if she even got what I was saying, because she was texting and not 100% focused for sure, she actually translated what I said. I was really proud. "Next, telepathy, then!"

2. Sharing has NO END

During the Amy crisis, I shared with her almost the full story. I needed someone to talk to without judging or arguing. But there are also the trivial stories, information and anecdotes that are shared all the time, it's a whole package.

3. Shame on You!

How often do you get an email offering a JOB anyway? It's really rare. I find it impossible. But yet, it happened to Noura.

She got an email offering her a really great job in the UK! After the cheers and screams and high-fives, Noura got serious and "I'm afraid it's a scam!" she muttered.

"What?!"

And then an FBI-like investigation took place. LinkedIn, email adresses, Facebook, the company's website, we missed Twitter though. But we came to a conclusion! It wasn't a scam. Then it was. Then after ten more times, we were sure, it was a scam! If an FBI officer is reading this, we could use some jobs over here, thanks!

Noura is no regular young woman, she didn't just ignore the email. She replied and here's the email to get the image. You go Noura!!

4. Cease the Chance

Every single thing that faces you, is an "unceased" opportunity. That's sort of our motto. The scam incident was a great excuse to contact the company for instance. Asking even friends for some extra help and job/internship hunting. 

5. DJ Sky

Living with someone with the exact opposite taste in music is a true struggle! I adore music, not all the types though. Listening to music most of the time is a part of my soul. But when I'm forced to listen to creepy lame Egyptian songs, I just can't! Humans invented headphones and earphones for a reason, Noura! 
"Give me the DJ task" say I frequently.

"No, not you!"

"Oh really"

Then an emotional wedding song is played. God, help me!

I'm glad that she, at last, listened to me and bought headphones. 

6. Wrong Name

It's a universally-known fact that a girl gets angry when you get her name wrong. I used to call Noura by Salma at first, the name of my ex-roommate. And then I got confused between Nour (a friend, Nour means light in Arabic) and Noura, like ALL THE TIME. Especially when I have one of them on the phone and the other in front of me. "Nour, no, Noura, ugh, Nour!! What do you think about...??"

Adding to the mix, I have a close friend and a cousin both called Nouran. So that's too much light for me, honestly.

7. Nicknames

Now that's a different topic. Noura invented a nickname for me. I didn't like it all and asked to change it. "No I like it!"

"Then I'll invent a disgusting nickname for you and keep calling you by!"

"Fine!"

After two minutes of throwing nicknames at her and getting an approval, "What about Nounou?"

"I like it!"

God, am I the only picky one here, or what?!
Two weeks later, and I still call her Noura.

8. No Getting Over... the Dishes

There are always dishes that need to be done. Either in the sink, on the desk or on the "kitchen" table. Sometimes, someone goes full Katniss Everdeen and volunteers, but sometimes "You will do the dishes today! I did them for us many times!". So I have to zip it and put my gloves on. Yes, I put gloves while doing the dishes, because I have sensitive hands, even though I'm not sensitive myself.

Other cleaning tasks don't seem to bother us much, each does them when she feels like it. No rush, either because they're not as frequently needed as the dishes or because we're racist towards the dishes. Still not sure.

9.  "I'm great"

In an attempt to raise my self-esteem and general mood, I encourage myself after every task with "I'm great". Sounds a bit narcissist, I know, but I'm just too much. And according to the yelling roommate, it's also annoying. Sometimes I'm sweet, I promise, and I tell her and other people that they're great! Especially when she tries something new or just randomly. If I tell you that you're great, it means I love you. 

10. The Help

I must admit Noura pushed me to do many things. Like yelling at the kids who speak out loud during the lectures, I have no idea why are they attending if they don't want to listen. That's another story though. It felt great to shut them up, politely. Praying with a partner was also something really amazing and encouraging.

BONUS Anecdote

One weekend, we were preparing lunch. And since we both wanted pasta along with other foods, we decided to cook it together, normal. My spaghetti was fine, and for some reason Noura's turned out too thick and watery. Maybe it was because of the sauce, still a mystery to this day! She ate some then "No, I just can't, it's too terrible."

"Let me taste it, it can't be this bad." I took a forkful, and then spit it. "But you have to eat this, we can't throw it away. Haram!"

I came with the idea of offering it to a homeless person near our apartment. After adding some spices and heating it in the microwave many times in hope the water lessens a bit, I did. I gave it to a woman, then almost ran. I was afraid she tastes it and insults me or even spit on me! It felt good to help.

But, I've never seen this woman again...Which is scary because I used to see her everyday. "Your spaghetti killed her!! I'm actually worried..."

When we were watching Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs 2, Noura pointed at this and yelled "My spaghetti" !

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Click here to read why I blog. Also check the first chapter of my story.

"Home"

This is a story I started writing months ago, but was too scared to publish. If you liked it I will make it a series. Enjoy!

Sarah came back home from work. She must’ve been too exhausted during the flights and transit and running and heavy backpack of hers to even think about what she’s on the verge of doing or what to expect. She didn’t even slightly care to fix her messy hijab or put some ChapStick on her dry lips. She has been on a long journey, that hasn’t even ended yet, no-one was expecting her to look like a daisy.

Sarah’s dark eyes were searching everywhere for her beloved ones when she was exiting the airport gate, pulling her luggage behind her. She found her mother and aunt waiting and when their eyes met, the two sisters screamed of joy and called her name loudly. Hugs, kisses, tears of joy and “how are you?” ’s.

After many consecutive questions in the car, Sarah had the chance to speak, describing the flight, telling few anecdotes and sharing some news. The ladies had almost nothing to share, nothing exciting happens at their small city Damanhur anymore. Or at least that’s what they told her.

A small party was thrown to celebrate her arrival, at the warm family apartment. As usual, proud neighbors and friends were invited. The preparations took too long and too much effort but her aunt, Manal, and mother, Alia, don’t mind it because they love and care about Sarah. Typical motherly instincts. And they, above all, miss her so much they keep reminding each other. Shady, Sarah’s brother, was occasionally complaining about the overreacting, in a “She comes back twice a year anyway” way. Boys.

“Wear the pink dress you have. It’ll look great on you.” said Alia, who came to Sarah’s room to find her staring at the dresser. She might’ve been thinking but her mother wasn’t sure.

“No. I look terrible in it.” snapped Sarah turning her mother’s face blue and eyes evil, hurt or broken, she couldn’t tell. She literally wiped her mother’s smile off.

“Then don’t!” A yelling. Sarah’s years of living away gradually deleted some unhappy memories, similar to this incident. However, each vacation she flies back home, she remembers why she chose to leave in the first place. Besides, of course, improving her career. And getting a degree.

Shady came and asked what was going on and his mother complained about Sarah always being rude and ungrateful. “She’ll never change...I’m sick of this!” Shady was dead sure his mother will cry this day. Sooner or later.

To be fair, Alia became extremely used to sobbing only after The Incident That Shall Not Be Shared. She cries when she remembers. Her general mood stopped her from doing anything and only allowed her to sit and rethink everything. She cries after drinking her last soda can, not in a childish way, but because then she’ll have to go outside and buy another six-pack at least. If there’s an accurate term to describe her addiction, it shall be “sodalic”. Her ‘drinking’ habit was the obvious reason behind her huge weight gain, which nobody dares to mention. You don’t tell a depressed woman she gained weight, right?

Sarah suggested that she goes to seek a professional help many, many, times, but her stubborn mother, with outdated beliefs, strongly refused. Reminding her of what she’s been through wasn’t enough. “This is beyond discussion. I’m not mad to go see a therapist! Are you crazy?!” After many attempts, Sarah got tired of trying and kept her mouth shut about Shady going to one…

As much as this family seems to be amical and ideal, their lies and secrets roam in the apartment as if they could be felt or even seen. Each one of them was ignoring this fact, but deep down they know what they are.

Mother-Daughter Relationships

Some girls have healthy mother-daughter relationships. Others are not quite as lucky. Here are 5 types of complicated mom-daughter relationships, according to my humble opinion with a small amount of research.

1. Too Much Contact

Before you say that I'm overreacting, I've seen young women waiting for their mother's approval, concerning buying their groceries.

I mean, we all like to share our daily events with our mothers, but not in that way. It's unhealthy to call your mama after each and every step you take. "I came home from the supermarket", "I changed and I'll cook now", "Do I put cinnamon on it?" and "Look how it ended up looking!" kind of way. And I swear, I witnessed similar video calls. Yes I said "video".

If you're doing this, then I'm sorry, but you're too dependant on your mother, which will prevent you from growing and learning on your own. Also, it prevents your mother from having fun and learning new things herself! She has a life beyond being a mother, always remember this! And hey, even if your mother is a stay-home mom, you grew up and don't need your diapres to be changed, so leave her alone! She needs a break from you from time to time, really.

Maybe try instead to look for the information yourself instead of asking your mommy. Again, I've been sitting next to a girl who called her mom to ask if Action A is halal or haram. Girrrrl, just google it! Your mother is a human-being, with a degree in a single subject, she doesn't have the answers to everything, and that's okay. Thus, learn to teach yourself. And, grow up. [innocent smile]

2. Wrong Info

Mothers tend, in general, to educate their daughters, stating facts in almost all the fields. But the "back in my days" era was technology-free, which means wrong information circulated more easily than now. In other words, they could've believed in Info A because they heard it on TV for instance, and without a smart-phone to check instantly and only libraries stacked with books to look for Info A at, it was more convenient to believe in Info A. But what if the TV diffused inaccurate information? And then people carried through generations? And I'm talking about all sorts of information.

That's what happens: "No mom, this isn't true, I googled it! They labelled Info A as a myth..."

"No, it's true. I know it. It's a very known-fact."

"Here, look!"

It might look silly and ridiculous to you, but imagine your mother telling you wrong info all the time and you correcting her. She'll go mad, won't she? Hi mama! [smiling and waving] And you, young readers, don't be so hard on them.

3. Fear

"I'm worried about you.", a classic motherly phrase that highlights her instinct towards her little ones. It's great to have someone who worries and cares about you. But if your mother overreacts and forbids you from tons of activities and places, that could be a relationship wrecker. And fun killer for sure!

This could be as a part of #1, Too Much Contact, or it could be a whole new story. Either ways, it puts so much pressure on the girl growing up. She might be too scared to take important steps in her life later on when she has to. The daughter might also lose trust in her mother and seek advice from strangers who aren't trustworthy for sure, but seem more adventurous and fun than her fearful mother.

4. Trust

This lie, that one right here: "I trust you, it's just I don't trust the others." is a blunt insult to your girl. If this isn't a lie, you've got a huge problem, Trust Mother! If you don't trust your own daughter (I can't even process the sentence myself) you should do something about it. I'm unable to even suggest. So you go google it yourself, "young" lady!

If it's not a lie, then you need to talk differently to her, showing her how much she means to you and that you do trust her. Honestly, just don't lie to your kids, and don't yell at me "I'm protecting her!!" because no-one, including you, Missy, likes to be lied at! Keep that in mind..And yeah, keep in mind that a girl needs to be raised by morals that she sees her parent practising too.

5. "Be Home by 8!"

It's a whole different story from #3! This mother is overly strict, for no obvious reasons. She forces rules, without stating any kind of explanation or justification. She treats her daughter(s) as a robot that should follow orders without asking or comprehending.

I'm serious, the girl (might) later on lie to you about where and with whom she's going because you're too strict and stubborn. You, of course, don't want this. Reading a news headline with your daughters picture next to it is no fun, I guarantee.

Dear "Be Home by 8!" Mother, a simple explanation to your kid won't cost you anything, it will even save you the time and effort of yelling at her some extra times because she just doesn't get why Thing B is wrong! Treat you daughter as a grown-up lady with a brain and explain, before ending up with an Oscar-winning liar/actress. 

This article was originally with 10 points, but got split up, so expect a second part soon. [winks]

Home Alone

Not everyone is lucky enough or has really open-minded parents to be able to experience living alone, we must all admit. However I was lucky enough. My parents trust me and believe that the way they raised me is reliable. They worry about me, that's normal, but they never doubt for a second me being off path.

I've been living alone for almost two months, only. But I think it's enough to be able to judge the experience and compare it.

Living alone vs. with parents. 

So far the best thing about living with your parents is not doing chores, according to everyone I meet! But what if you're used to cooking and doing chores at your parents' house? I must admit it came in handy and I even improved my cooking skills! Another awesome thing about living with parents is that you don't have to deal with cash or keep a budget. It is really hard to deal with this. At least for me. Even if I made an Excel sheet to calculate my expenses, it's not enough to estimate how much money I need per month. Because there are always these things that pop out and you have to buy them. Like when it became super cold and I had to buy some warmer clothes. It's urgent, it's sudden and it's also expensive. Everything is, when you live on your own to be honest. I've never noticed how much money I spent on grocery till I took care of the whole thing. I truly feel bad about the damn amount of money my parents have to give me just for food. Electricity. Transportation. WATER. It never ends and it's hectic. Did I mention having to carry grocery because I don't own a car?

On the other hand, you do whatever the hell you want to and no permission needed! Despite the fact that all the shops close early here, I can still have a nice walk late, go jogging or ride a bike. The night is really peaceful with fewer people in the streets. I can cook the meals I want as much as I want. There was a period when I ate salmon and pasta every single day. Why? Why not! It's my favorite dish and no-one's gonna tell me "Enough we've had it yesterday!" when I suggest eating it.

Living alone vs. with a roommate. 

When I first arrived in France, I wasn't 100% prepared and stayed in a hotel for long before I arranged to move into a students residence. And because I'm not lucky enough there was a three-week gap between moving out from the hotel and to my new studio/room/whatever you'd like to call it. I certainly didn't want to spend a fortune so I called a friendly Egyptian student- let's call her Minnie- who has offered before that I stayed with her for while. She accepted that I stay with her, which is awesome because I was so close to sleeping in the streets! Or the subway, because it's heated and there are vending machines, I love vending machines.

So I moved in with Minnie. I tried my best to not be annoying or messy but apparently I failed. Minnie was so strict when it came to the apartment's cleanliness. No dishes should remain in the sink (except after the breakfast cause we're always in a hurry in the morning), weekly moping for the whole place and no bread crumbs on the table. Yeah, I used to leave crumbs on the table, I know it's gross but I would've removed them the next day or something. Anyway, Minnie then decided to make a timetable for the chores. We didn't follow it all the time but it was there, hanging on the kitchen wall, to remind us that we didn't take out the trash and remind me that I left a dish (at least) in the sink.

A week in and I was already used to Minnie by my side. It was really nice to have someone to talk about you day and tell them anecdotes. It was nice to have someone when you're down. And sometimes we hung out and it was, for sure, better than going out alone.

Living alone vs. living alone

I do everything. From chores to waking up on your own. No-one offers to help. Even if you you're tired or sick, you're still single-handed.

I have to be my own guide. No-one tells me to not eat this brownie cause I'll get fat or to not drink tea cause it's bad for my stomach. No-one's gonna tells me to pray, do my assignments or call my relatives to wish them happy feast. If I make a mistake no-one will keep bringing it up to remind and warn me.

I'm my own CEO, boss or president. I only do the dishes when I feel like it or when I have nothing to eat on. I sweep (not mop!) the floor only once a week. Some clothes are on the bed others on the drying stand. Sometimes, few socks are on the floor. And when I'm not comfortable about it I tidy it of course. I can dance, exercise or cry whenever I need wherever I want. The heating is on the temperature I choose and I open the window comme je veux. No. Limits. At. All. And if you're thinking I'm being ridiculous because these are 'minor' things, then I'm sorry these 'minor' things are game changers and they can change your mood 180°! And also, they can affect your health and mood.

But the worst part about living alone is the 'alone' part. Feeling homesick. Needing company. A hug. Needing someone to share your suicidal thoughts with and help you out. I call my friends and family as much as I can but the thing is that it's hard! Sometimes I'm busy, sometimes they are. Sometimes the internet connection sucks. Sometimes I don't wanna bother anyone. Sometimes I can't even move after a long day so calling will be too much effort.

I can't help but overthink. Rethink what you've said and did. Blame myself, even for things that I can't change or didn't do. When you're all alone, you see yourself in a different light. No filters, no lies. You criticize the dark side of you more often, and you hate that side then hate yourself for having one. And this is how you get those suicidal thoughts. "What if?" and "why?" till your head explodes. And the memories and the flashbacks. Those beautiful memories of yours who make your day brighter but trigger your homesickness as well. And those painful flashbacks that swore they'll make regret your not-wise-at-all actions and words.

Honestly, not everyone can live alone. And not everyone can live with a company. Sometimes each phase of our lives even requires a change too. It's too complicated. I'll possibly write a second part.