Starting Over.

An anonymous contribution.

Credit: minhamakeglamour.com

Ending a relationship is hard on so many levels. One of the hardest parts for me is the notion of starting all over with someone new. It's scary.

It's scary that after investing in a friendship and then a relationship, I have to throw all of that away. It's what Coldplay described as "When you love someone and it goes to waste". All of this effort becomes...nothing. A void. Zero.

After exposing my deepest fears, saddest memories, issues and small details, I have to re-do all of that again. And of course, what I've told before day by day, would be said now in a sentence. A sentence that might include the most important parts of what happened, but would never show the emotions I've lived. "I had many issues" would replace months or even years of agony. Where my then-lover was a shoulder to cry on, listener and problem solver. Where he was the bright side of my shattered life. The highlight of my gloomy days.

All the inside jokes, catch phrases and common interests are meaningless now. I hate it when I accidentally use them with someone else, because I know only him could understand.

It needs a lot of energy. A new will to commit and communicate. And a bunch of other things. Because my walls have been broken down by my ex-lover but were doubled up once he broke my heart.

Is it even possible to trust someone again and expose myself this much? Was I even wrong to do it before? 

But I know that eventually, I'll move on. Because I've done it before.

Also, click here for a related article.

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Signs of a Real Friendship

Friendship is not about how much time you spend together or how much you laugh. Those parts could easily be fulfilled since no-one would walk away from you in your best days. Depending on my humble experience in life, almost 21 years, the following are some signs of a real friendship.

Real friends are there for you "when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year". They offer you all possible kinds of support. They'd do anything to cheer you up, joking, making funny faces, tickling you, silly dancing, you name it. They'll try their best to help you in your issues. If they can't give you solutions to your problems they'll try to ease the pain at least. Having someone to rant to is so rare.

You don't feel ashamed being vulnerable in front of them. No matter how tough or strong you are, you expose your sensitive side to them. If you're like me, a rare crier, you don't feel weak if you cried in front of your close friends. You wouldn't hesitate much. They help you glue your broken parts, with no judgement or underestimation. Your feelings and emotions are valid to them.

You know your friendship is real when you don't think too much before talking with them. They'd never judge your unpopular opinions and views. They'd never broadcast your latest news.

No need for straightforward words when your friends can read your facial expressions like an open book. No matter how hard you're trying to act normal, they'll know you're down. They'll respect your privacy if you're a secretive person or bomb you with questions if you're not. Which is because..

They know what you want and need. Advice? Hugs? A shoulder to cry on? Support? They know it all, and if they don't they'll try their best.

Trust is of course a sign of a true friendship. It's not just for keeping the secrets but it's also trusting that they've got your back. They'll defend you behind your back.

Real friends don't comfort  you with a lie. Instead they tell you straight to your face that you're wrong or you need to improve. For example, when you ask a real friend "What am I doing wrong? Why is my life falling apart" her reply would be something like "Because you don't sleep enough. You need to work out. Stop keeping toxic people around..." This is because true friends want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and emotionally. Even if they know their reply could upset you now, but they know you'll thank them later.

Don't you some times feel weak? Like, you need support making a call or sending an important email. Well, real ones would be there for you as well. Real ones would write your super important email with you sitting next to them anxiously. Real ones would help you write your CV or look for scholarships when you're too lazy or down to do it yourself. Real friends are basically and unconditionally extra arms and brains. I don't want to brag or anything, but I booked a doctor's appointment for my friend the other day, yeah.

Some of my real friends have a superpower. Yeah, I know, right? When I'm secretly sad, I find them calling, sending me old photos of us and/or memes, randomly complimenting me and checking up on me. "I have the feeling you're not okay." And needless to say, lying to them is useless because they end up knowing.

Another superpower some have is understanding when to give me advice and when to just listen. I wrote a whole article about advice, click here to check it out!

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Impulsive, Overthinker and Planner

We all know how difficult it is to overthink. Maybe not everyone knows, excuse my generalisation, allow me to explain.

Belgium, after a long day of exploring (and thinking).

I think all the damn time. While showering, cooking, cleaning, in the métro, working out, even while sleeping.  And if I'm not thinking, flashbacks of terrible memories happen. Or maybe stupid things I've done or said. It's mentally exhausting. Energy consuming. And it takes away the beauty in anything I currently have. I keep asking myself and maybe even others "what if..?", "what should I do if..?"...instead of living the moment. To shut my brain down, I resorted to reading when I'm in the métro for example. Listening to music while working out is effective too. It's not enough but it's a pretty good start.

It's even harder being an overthinker and a planner. I don't just plan my whole life ahead but I also can't stop thinking of all the scenarios. No matter how far in the future they are or how hardly possible they are. Plan A, then B, and then C and maybe even till Z. I want to be prepared. If Plan A fails me I want Plan B to rescue me, that's my logic. Even though, many times, I had only one plan that unfortunately failed. After grieving the failure, I made a new sole plan (not so different from the first, to be honest) that eventually worked out. Planning makes me feel safe, but overthinking ruins it for me.

Imagine adding impulsiveness to the mix. It doesn't make any sense, I know. But try for a bit. You can't right?

Well, my impulsiveness is occasional. I can hear you, guys, okay, it's not occasional, more like most of the time. I have no idea how could a person be an overthinker and impulsive simultaneously, but here I am. I could say the most reckless nonsense and then spend years thinking, analysing and regretting. It's a tiring cycle, people. I must admit I'm a little proud of myself for limiting the recklessness. Maturing is so cool, says the same girl who does a dive cartwheel in public, ha ha. I swear I'm maturing in the remaining aspects, though.

Did I forget to mention my permanently high expectations? Maybe next time, see you soon!

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My Personalities

And here I am, finally. Due to many personal and academic obligations, it has been very hard to publish lately. I'm trying as much as possible to include writing in my daily routine, because it's one of my priorities, but some times it's hard. I'm sure my beloved readers understand.

I have to admit, I have multiple personalities. Some people might call this sides of the same person, but to me, they're sort of very different disconnected people.

Decision Maker: this is the master mind, obviously. The voice inside my head and the most assertive version of me. She's assertive (and bossy) to the rest of them, most importantly, and to basically anyone else.

Romantic Samaa: she's been locked in the attic her whole life.  You can imagine how weird and awkward she is. And she rarely shows up during the kissing scenes in movies. Last witnessed in the year.. um.. She's probably gone missing. Next..!

10-year-old: the one who suggests the most reckless actions. She's responsible for all the crazy last-minute plans and actions. Blinded by her passions, she has no boundaries. Every road to a desire of hers is a straight line.

Savage Samaa: my favorite one. Prepare some cold water before dealing with her cause the burns are real. She's not afraid of dancing around the lines, never crossed them though.

Sensitive Samaa: somehow she's there. She knows quite well she doesn't belong, but she stays nevertheless. But at least, she's not emotional enough to cry over every single thing. She's the one of the least apparent Samaas. She's always there, but backstage, for very few people to see.

Fun Sky: the one responsable for the jokes and excessive laughter. She's so extrovert it might scare new acquaintances. Especially if they're a little shy. Loves memes and comics more than anything else in the world. Capable of dancing anywhere, not caring for strangers' glares.

Moods: the most annoying one, cause to be completely honest all of them are (to an extent). She hates everyone including herself.. She's currently packing her stuff and prepared for leaving for good. Nobody is going to miss her and they made it clear.

The Realest: the one who'd tell you straight to your face that you basically suck. She and the Decision Maker get along. So, yeah. If you come to Samaa for advice, she's the one handling it.

Teddy Bear: the cute one. The one who shows love and affection, gives compliments and heartfelt life advice. She could tell you out of the blue that she loves you and appreciates your existence. A new member.

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Ashamed or Guilty

Disclaimer: the following article provides my own personal views that might be different than yours so it’s okay.

When I was at school, my actual third one, but first real one, kids were a little bit different. And what I’m going to say next might seem a bit impolite, but most of them were less privileged, I’m sorry I had to. But now I will clarify why I've mentioned it.

You see, my mother was kind of obsessed with travelling, she dragged our little four-member family to a bunch of countries during my childhood. Months before travelling, she dedicated her time to plan each trip. Her love of travelling was, I must admit, contagious too. But that’s another story, back to our main topic.

So, being a kid who’s travelled many countries outside her own put me in a minority category. A minority that experienced different things and not just travelling, but obviously other stuff too. I bet you get the picture now thus any further examples would be plain bragging.

Why did I mention this? Because believe it or not, this kind of lifestyle made me feel a little bit guilty. Guilty that I’m privileged. My life was a little bit less hard. I've tried better activities, seen better sceneries. It was hard to share summer vacation stories without sounding (at least) a little bit arrogant. I felt odd.

But when I changed schools, and went to an “international” school, the situation was reversed. Everyone in the new school has travelled abroad at least once. People had a more luxurious lifestyle than in my old school in general. If you have read my Friendship article, then you know in which school I actually made friends. But anyway. I no longer felt privileged, I felt average. Which was good. Until…

Later in high school, all what mattered to me and my colleagues was applying to college. The head of department once did a sort of presentation about this, she said that, every year, a third of each class goes to Egyptian public universities, a third to private ones and the rest studies abroad. And obviously the private ones are much more expensive.

A colleague of mine set his goal to study at a certain private uni, and since I was older and wiser then, I honestly said “I wish I could go there, but there are no longer scholarships and my dad can’t afford to pay my tuition fees”. As simple as that, with full confidence. I must say I’m proud of myself for reaching this point of self-acceptance. There’s nothing wrong with being unable to spend more money than affordable. There’s nothing wrong in admitting it in public. It’s wrong to lie and say things like “No I don’t like to go there, not good enough for me” while you, in reality, can’t afford it. How much you make doesn't equate your worth.

The moral is, you shouldn't be ashamed of being less privileged than others. Nor bitter. They may lead lives that sound fun and expensive, but believe me they have their own problems too. And if you feel guilty for being privileged that’s wrong to you, because that’s not your fault you were born in a richer family. Everyone deserves inner-peace.

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