Don't Let Me Down

Being let down sucks. I guess many of my beloved readers could relate to that. But here's my own experience.

Hanging down - 2012

I don't put high hopes and expectations unless I believe in the person. Either out of love, trust or a long history. But most likely, love.

So when I'm let down, it physically hurts me. Beyond imagination . It breaks my heart. I become so angry and could even scream.

I'm usually strong, but when it comes to someone I've deeply loved and trusted, the disappointment and betrayal weaken me.

It takes me some time to fix the broken pieces and be able to stand up again. And of course I lean on other beloved ones to go back to the field and resume the fight.

I don't automatically stop trusting people afterwards. Because everyone is different and it'd be unfair to distrust everyone because of a person, wouldn't it ?

Forgiveness? Yes. I've recently discovered that I don't hold grudges, but only if they come back regretting what they've done. Apologizing isn't even remotely enough for me. I need to feel the remorse and regret. To see, later on, some effort, and eventually, some changes. "Sorry" won't fix anything.

If the regret was followed by another disappointment, it's almost impossible to win me back.

Don't let me down.

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Is It Worth it?

Since day one, I started to notice what I've blindly signed up for. Loneliness and leaving friends and family behind seemed to be the problem, but actually, it's deeper than that. It's the feeling of not belonging in either places. I have lived totally different emotions and experiences from people on both sides that I barely belong to the small number of people like me. Egyptians living in Paris. Only these, almost.

I missed out on birthdays, trips, hangouts and more. I'm missing out on new inside jokes and anecdotes. And sometimes even main life updates. "Oh, did I forget to tell you?". No matter how much I try to keep in touch, it's still hard to send my heart there while the rest of me is here, kilometres away.

My dear friends, on the left, eating sushi and me, on the right, added by them!

What's even unnecessary and annoying is being accused of not caring enough to call or text. As if my  sole purpose in life is to answer or text back when anyone from home contacts me. I get you're busy some times and I respect that, so why don't you too? Why making it harder? My life is full of complications, such accusations would be beyond my energy.

All these long-distance relationships, are they really worth it? Or are we denying the fact that it's almost impossible to live that way? Are they really worth it or am I supposed to start fresh or what? Should I leave my memories behind and make new ones here?

If you think they're really worth it, then help me fight for them then...

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Friendship

To Kotions,

Warning: relatively long article.

I was told when I was in middle school that it's impolite to take food from a friend if they offered me. I was prohibited to discuss religion, social status or private family issues with friends. My mom taught me to be friends with anyone as long as they're good people, with morals. I was taught to initiate the conversations and friendships, that "Don't wait for people to come and talk to you" and "You should be brave!".

I have had a close friend for years. We were so close I decided to call her "sister" instead of "friend". I was mean to her many times. I won't justify myself. We had some huge fights too. Our friendship ended. I regretted how I treated her and apologised, but it was too late, she already made new friends.

Later, I have had another close friend for (like) four years, I'm not sure, I can't remember. We spent the days listening to the same teachers and walking together during break. Chatting and laughing. We spent the afternoon getting ready for swimming practice and eating lunch. The nights were for our "adventures". Then each went home to do her homework then sleep. And repeat. Some days we even spent the nights talking on the phone about, what was supposed to be, secrets. That was my first long friendship. But it ended, and honestly, it ended because of me. I was the bad guy.

Later, and after a lonely period of time, I made two/three new friends. The reason behind the hesitation in their number, is that one of them wasn't completely in the gang. She was the kind of amie de tous person. Plus, she talked behind our back saying she got bored of us.

Moving on, the other two, let's call them Mary and Mona, and I spent the break time together everyday. Mary was even sitting next to me in class two years in a row. She was one the funniest girl I've ever met, back then. Her comments made me laugh during the lessons, while she was acting quiet in class. She was amazing. But unfortunately, when I left school, we lost contact. Mary was too studious to hang out with me or even contact me via phone or Facebook. I understood this quickly and stepped out of her life.

As for Mona, let's just say she wasn't her best version back then. She flaked most of the time. Each time I defended her in front of my mother, hoping she wouldn't cancel just before the meeting time. We argued a lot, accusing each other of being jealous of each other, for instance. On top of that, she betrayed me in a horrible way. I'm sure her side of the story is interesting, but she wouldn't even be able to justify her betrayal.

The summer of 2011, I made a new friend, in an English course. We had a "project" together and that was how we got to know each other. There was a kind of instant connection. Few months later, we had a fight and friendship-broke-up. For a  stupid reason, and I guess that was why we became friends again. We still are. No words could describe our friendship. Most of it, we were in two different continents! Being busy ladies meant rarely video-calling and since she's terrible at texting, video-calls were the only options

The next chapter in my life was a double opportunity: I met new people during summer and then I changed my school. The kids at my new school were unbearable. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't befriend them. Mean, arrogant bullies. (Except for few ones whom I still talk to, hey Mai and Yara! [insert multiple pink hearts] ). 

The "summer people" turned out to be good people. I was a better Samaa myself. They gradually became a sort of a family to me over the years. Taking care of each other, helping, giving some advice, going out, sharing food,  travelling, deep talks, working, pulling all nighters... We had it all. Those are the people I wished to keep in touch with till the end. Endless laughs and memories. Infinite inside jokes which no-one could get unless a member of Kotions family. Pranks. Photos. Videos. Songs. Comics. Movies. A long thread of common interests and memories. [insert pink hearts and smiley faces]

Will our friendship survive distance?

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