2 Houses and No Home

Home

The place where I can go

To take this off my shoulder

Someone take me home 

- Home, by Machine Gun Kelly, Bebe Rexha and X Ambassadors.

Please excuse my photo editing skills.

Regardless of the fact that I was born in Kuwait and spent around 4 years there (and later many summers), I don't consider it home... anymore.

I've lived in Egypt till I was 19. I went to two main different schools. Played sports. Had hobbies. Made friends, bonded with them through ups and downs. Lost friends. Bonded with my family. Learned about life, more or less. Ate and appreciated the traditional food. Spoke the language. Followed (some of) the traditions. Got a permanent tan, there are like 322 sunny days per year in Egypt, so yeah.

But my small teenage world changed when I moved out to study in France. I spoke their language. Got used to their food, and loved it by the way. Gradually lost some of the tan during winter, but regain it each summer, back home. The constant skin tone change is so weird actually. Made new friends. Went to conferences and events. Got acquainted. Learned about adult life and responsibilities. Took care of myself. Took care of others. Experienced life more maturely. Learned about some of the traditions. Connected with people back home.

When I'm in Egypt, I miss some aspects of France. And when I'm in France, I miss Egypt.

Gradually and unconsciously, France is becoming more my home. This is why each time I go back, it's less sad. It feels now like leaving a home to go to another. But also, sometimes it feels like having no home at all. Very confusing..

This living situation taught me patience, sacrifice and gratitude. Every time I book a ticket, I'm so excited to go back to a home, I even countdown the days. Sometimes the hours. I have to sacrifice so many things. I miss out on a lot of events and life updates of my beloved ones when I'm in France. But if I would live in Egypt for good, I'd miss out on studying at La Sorbonne (obviously) and on so many other opportunities down the line. 

You can't have the cake and eat it. But I'm definitely grateful for everything, and I'm hopefully making the best decision for me, my career and future. إن شاء الله.

Foreign Languages!

Hey! I've recently noticed that I publish almost once a month, even after I promised to write more, but life got in the way. 

I've been reflecting on my linguistic skills recently. Especially the French and English ones. I mean, I've considered improving my Arabic as well, since the Arabic I speak and write isn't enough. Bref. Today's article is about foreign languages.

2014, in Russia

I know it's ironic that my blog is in English, when it's not my mother-tongue, discussing foreign languages. And I could improve my Arabic by writing here, but no, I'm too afraid to try. Maybe one day..

Have you ever spoken in your second (or third language) and got compliments on how well you speak? "Oh you speak so well! I didn't even notice your accent! Where did you learn English?" And like my good friend Gina said, "I want it to be flawless as if it's my first language, with no accent." And that is some insane amount of pressure we put on ourselves really.

I mean, we've spent at least a decade learning this language, and guess what, learning in that language. 

There is a wide range of terminology that I solely know in French and/or English, because I learnt sciences and math in them. It's a sad and shameful feeling when you get used to certain words in a foreign language, to the point of despising them in your native language. "Oh it's called like that in Arabic? So gross! It's better in English." (and yes I've heard that)

But it still isn't ours and there's a limit of fluency you could reach without giving up your mother tongue. And yes, I've read that you could forget your own language if you took up a new one and (gradually) neglected it. So take care of your native language, folks!

The truth is, I love Arabic, I adore it, okay? But I try as much as I can to improve my other languages due to living abroad, which includes: studying in a foreign language, attending classes in a foreign language, everyday-life conversations and news in a foreign language, reading everything and anything in a foreign language.

It's so exhausting. Sometimes after a long day of speaking French, I get a headache and start forgetting words, freezing and saying nonsense. What is even worse is that, when I go back home, attempt to speak Arabic with Mahy, then fail to make up a whole meaningful sentence...?? At this point I 1. feel stupid and 2. becoming bye-lingual.

And what's really ironic is that I'm the only one who thinks my French and English are not good enough. I remember one time I was calling Shaimaa (my American friend) and in the middle of the call I froze and said "Oh my God, it's been a while since I last spoke in English, it's a little rusty, I'm sorry. It'll get better in a  minute." And she hasn't even noticed any issue. I have linguistic insecurity when it comes to anything other than Arabic. That's it, I admit it!

What I've noticed is, people (and especially monolinguals) don't really care if you make mistakes, have an accent or forget words. From my experience, they are understanding and listen attentively, waiting for me to remember the word I want to say. Or listen to me, explaining the word I'm looking for. And during this whole process, I'm the only one who seems to be irritated by my not-so-perfect language. 

However, there are three daily struggles that I face. 1. My humour doesn't usually translate well. I mean, half of the time the joke is fine in the other language, the other half there's an awkward silence. Shame, shame. 2. Idioms are usually monolingual. When I translate them from Arabic, it creates a weird expression. A friend of mine, Marguerite, usually gets it and says it's enjoyable, since her dad does the same thing and she's used to it. 3. Suddenly discovering that I don't know a certain word in French that I immediately need. Of course, Google Translate helps a lot in such situations, but this luxury's not usually available though. 

There's only ONE rude person who commented negatively on my accent saying she couldn't understand me. The joke's on her, since everyone understands me. Being racist is sad..

Anyway, I'm glad I'm back to writing, and I hope you enjoyed my article (and maybe related to it too). 

See you soon, I hope!

get used to it..

If you know me personally or through this blog, you already know that I'm a planner. I have a plan A, and B for my life in general, and minor plans. C, D or .. I'm really not sure of how many they are, but anyway.

From my trip to Belgium.

When a plan fails, because of my actions/ decisions, someone's or exterior factors, it breaks my heart. A lot, or a little, depending on the amplitude.

But today I'm not talking about how to act quickly and change plans. Today I'm talking about getting used to change.

I hate change. I hate it so much.

Everyday, I have to get used to washing my hands and not see my old ring.

Stumbling upon gifts is a part of my daily routine. I took a paper and grabbed a random pen from my desk to take notes, and then I realized it was a gift too. I'm not even sure if I should throw them away, or just try to detach them from their "original" owners. Same goes to photos and, most importantly, memories.

I have to get used to plans being altered, to the disappointment that comes with it. To people disappearing.. To people not being part of my plans, or in other terms, life journey..

Sometimes, when life is going as perfectly as planned, you might think that you've got it all figured out, that you're amazing, a huge life master. I had the audacity to think like that, then I got slapped in the face. Life's ironic. Fortunately, every time a plan changes, it gives you a new perspective. As hard as change is, it reminded me how fortunate I am to have the support of my family and friends. Also it made me realize how sometimes we're blinded by our goals and thoughts and plans that we don't spend as much time with the people who have always been there and who really matter.

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Privilege.

You've certainly heard phrases like "white privilege" or "rich privilege", but what is this really about?

Some groups of people are born with more rights than the others and that's the sad and disappointing truth about the world we're currently living in. And maybe humanity will never fix this, who knows.

During my life, I came across several yet varied types of privilege. I came to the conclusion that it's really rare for people to acknowledge their privilege, as well. Some go as far as denying it.

With my white friend, whose dad has a lot of connections.
I told her she's privileged by the way, we're still friends somehow.

Rich people, for instance, don't have to suffer in ways their fellow poor or middle-class individuals suffer. The bourgeoise society has it easy in many ways, such as the very obvious one: inherited access to basic needs (food, education, shelter, ..). But also, it's very easy for them to find jobs after graduation as they could work for their parents' or acquaintances' firm/ business. Or some of them even choose to live relying on their family's wealth. They don't have to go through the struggle of getting good grades, maybe even working part time simultaneously,  applying for as many internships as possible and living with the bare minimum. Some of those internships are even unpaid. And why do we need unpaid internships? Why would anyone put time and effort for free? Well, because no-one hires a fresh graduate with zero experience. It's a loop. A loop they don't need to experience.

Having a parent with a lot of connections is also privilege. I have a friend whose father has many friends in all the fields. You name it! He can get anything done, basically. I mean, I would love to have that, it'd would give me a sense of security.

How about male privilege? Do males have it really easier? Yes, and they're oblivious too. Men get usually recruited more, because businesses don't want to pay for maternity leave and anything that has to do with motherhood. Even though, two people have a baby and both are equally responsible, but... Also, in most Arab and/or Muslim households, they have more freedom. They go out as much as they want, travel alone, and the lame list goes on. 

So how should you feel about your privilege? I believe it's definitely fine to have privilege. It's normal to use it too. Otherwise you'd be wasting opportunities. I get it. I mean, I have some privilege too, and I use it. But what you shouldn't do is either 1) ignore and deny it, or 2) feel ashamed of it.

What you should also do as a privileged individual is use it to help others. Use your privilege to talk about and defend other people's struggles. Use it to make a change. Use your privilege as a rich / famous person to raise awareness for the homeless and help them for instance. Use your male privilege to defend female rights. Use your privilege as a white person to defend a black, brown or just any non-white person.

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Let People Thank You!

Personally, I keep thanking people for everything, from giving me a tissue to saving my life.

My short trip to Le Havre. Unrelated, but who cares?

If a teacher, for example hands me a test paper and I don't thank them instantly, because I'm focused and in the mood to problem-solve, I feel so rude seconds afterwards. And definitely overthink it later.

On the other side of the problem, some people get really offended when I do so. I have friends that would insult me if I thanked them. Literally:

- Thanks for lending me your book, by the way.

My overly dramatic friend: Oh, you silly, don't thank me. Are you dumb? We're good friends, it's illegal that we'd thank each other.  I'll kill you if you thank me again.

I'm not even exaggerating. Maybe a little. And yes, this is mainly you, Mahy. Also, sometimes Rozza.

Through what I originally came across randomly in some psychology article, you better accept all the "thank you"s you're pushing. The article gave a very convincing reason, which I put it to the test.

The reason behind accepting the "thank you"s is that, when you prevent or deny them, people gradually stop saying them. Not only this, but they'll eventually take you, and all your actions, for granted. With every "it's nothing" you say,  they'll progressively feel entitled to what you do and expect it each time they "ask" for it. They'd gradually demand it as if it's their right. If you decide to not provide it anymore for any reason, they'd feel betrayed, when you were actually doing an extra gesture in the first place.

Like I said before, I tested this method to see how differently I'd feel. I let people thank me, at first not replying at all, because I was not used to it and I was kind of embarrassed. It was exactly like when people sing to you happy birthday, you just stand there, smiling not knowing what to say. Or do. Then I, bit by bit, replied with "You're welcome". It made me feel good. Appreciated. What I did was valued and appreciated and deserved a simple statement of gratefulness.

So the article was right. And I'm advising everyone to just let people thank you!

Next time, I should write about over-apologizing and how you react to it. Stay tuned.

Read my last article if you missed it, click here!

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Hanger.

In case you're not familiar with the term, hanger = (hunger + anger).

Me and the love of my life.

It's no secret that when I get extremely hungry, I go insane or something. Once Mahy, Dana and I were out and I said I was hungry. Mahi was like "Oh do you see how she acts when she gets hungry?!" And Dana glared and said "Oh my God, yes!". I thought my hanger wasn't an old trait, but apparently not. But the fact that an old friend talks like that with a new one is just frustrating. 

I mean, when my hanger episode ends, and I look back at what I've said and did, I thank the burger I'm holding in my hand for saving humanity from my temporary stupidity.

The thing is, I have levels of hunger. I would've loved to make a diagram for you but I don't have much time. I love diagrams by the way. My hunger rises gradually from "It'd be good if I could eat now and if I don't it's fine too" to "My stomach is torturing me and I need FOOD NOW ARRHHH" (I don't know if screaming is written in English that way but mine is mostly عااااااا in Arabic).

I mean, for example, if I'm waiting in a line (I hate waiting in lines) on a regular day, I'd be pissed but it's fine. If I'm hangry, then there's a chance I'll yell at the next person that coughs next to me. I'm joking. Or not, I don't remember much what happens when I'm hangry. 

Some times, things pile up: college stress, bills, a stupid fight with a friend, Salma or Alaa, it's winter, the bakery has no more chocolate cakes and I broke my nail. All of this is really manageable for me on regular days. It takes some basic thinking, planing and communication to solve them. But when I'm hangry, my hidden drama queen side rises. 

"How dare them not have chocolate cake? I do not care if it's late and they were closing but why??", 

"My nail is broken again, I will look terrible after cutting it. Will it grow again?" and

 "I'm not wrong, you ARE"..

Rozza suggested that I'd take deep breaths when I'm hangry to calm down and think rationally. I will try that. But for now, dearly beloved, just feed me! And thank you for tolerating me when I'm hungry. You're amazing.

Does anyone have any funny (or crazy..?!)  hanger stories?

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#10YearChallenge

We all came across the #10YearChallenge, whether we participated, liked others' pictures or just scrolled down past them.

 2009 vs 2019

I shamelessly posted my picture, after scrolling through the very old part of my Facebook to find it, the part I made "only me" to prevent certain friends from reaching. And they know who they are. And how they used to laugh at silly old photos. 

An article appeared somewhere stating that Facebook started this challenge to collect data on how faces change over time. First of all, I'm not surprised at all if that's the case. Secondly, who cares? The people who participated in the challenge are the same people who share so many information through social media. Whether they do so through the posts or through the messages, their private information is there, somewhere, in a server belonging to Mark Zuckerberg. 

But I'm not here to talk about this. I'm here to talk about why everyone focused on how their appearance changed and not what they've achieved between 2009 and now. Who cares if you had a unibrow in 2009 and now you know how to use tweezers? Let's talk about achievements and real development.

I'll go first. In 2009, I was in my preteen, and now I'm obviously in my early twenties.

I had no idea what I wanted from life. All I cared about was fashion and Hannah Montana. Okay maybe not to that extent, but I was not sure of what I wanted from life anyway.

During those ten years, I developed so much better than I expected and imagined. I read so many articles on so many topics that I can't even remember, watched documentaries on also so many topics, traveled solo to three countries (minus Egypt of course), tried "exotic" food, traveled many times with my friends and family, made friends around the world, learned programming and electronics, drastically improved my English, and French, and even Arabic, learned German and Spanish, read a bunch of novels and took care of my mental health on my own (or almost).

During those ten years, I made so many different plans for my life. I had the courage to scratch them and make new ones. I wanted to become a pharmacist when I was at my pre-teenage. During high school years, I was in search of my passion. I had a phase where I decided to completely focus on myself and career, no kids and probably no marriage too. I had another where I'd give up everything too, but this time to become a vlogger and travel the world. I was not sure of what I wanted. Now what I want in the future is to make a balance between a career, having a family and having fun! It's going to be complicated and exhausting, but it'll be worth it.

During those ten years, my views on relationships shifted quite often too. At a young age, I was looking for love, I wanted to be in love. I had a teenage short failed experience, also insignificant. Then I gradually stopped considering it. I thought I could never find what I wanted, and deserved. Then I had a mini-experience, also insignificant. Afterwards, I believed again that I could never find what I wanted at least before the age of 27. I totally gave up. And then Alaa came to my life from nowhere. I fell in love headfirst. And now I know why nothing else made sense.

I'm so thankful to everyone I had in my journey, every single person had an impact a way or another. I'm so proud of myself. And in the words of Jessie J: "I'm still working on my masterpiece".

"Nice Guys"

Happy new year! I hope you have a wonderful year full of blessings and achievements. In 2019, I promise you I'll try to publish more. I have other new year's resolutions that I might share with you.

Like a lot of women, I was attacked before because I turned down a "nice guy". And I find it really annoying that women are criticized in general for doing so.

A nice guy. But not only.

I mean the idea of "women turn down nice guys but end up with abusive/ bad ones" is popular to an extent. Or at least, people show a disapproval when a woman turns down a nice guy. 

But what is a "nice guy" anyway? Respectful? A guy who cares about a girl? A loyal guy? A decent guy? 

According to Mahi: "A nice guy is never enough. If I meet a guy and describe him as "nice but..", he's not for me, and that's it."

Are we supposed to date those guys simply for showing us basic human manners? Why are we expected to be with someone just for being nice? That's so degrading. It's like you're saying "Be grateful he's not a terrible, abusive man". Women deserve to have standards and requirements, because we have different tastes and different needs.

I met so many "nice" guys whom I couldn't stand being with them in the same postal code for long! 

I'm not trying to bash anyone, but hear me out.

As a young woman, it's not enough for me to meet a "nice" guy to be attracted to him and then boom date him! It does not work like that. In short, I have a type, some standards and requirements. Maybe a younger version of me would've accepted a nice guy, but not now-me.

I've met nice guys who were so different from me, who had different interests and goals in life. Others were really not attractive to me. Of course the physique is not the most important aspect of a person but still. Other guys had a bad/ different sense of humor. And the list goes on.

Why are women expected to accept the bare minimum in a relationship? We deserve to have standards and aspire for a healthy and happy relationship, not just a relationship. Or a mediocre, boring one.

Not to mention that, women are expected to want to get married as if it's mandatory, but that's for another article.


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