Sitting on the Fence

So here's the deal. I look like a carbon copy of my mom. I was basically too lazy to mix and match the facial features from both of my parents so I took everything from my mother. My face is basically plagiarism.

But when it comes to my personality, I have traits from both families, definitely along with gained ones. It's both great and terrible.

I like it because I feel connected to both bloods and have the best of both worlds. But also I feel distant, like sitting on the fence and belonging nowhere.

For example, I am sensitive just like my mother's branch. The slightest actions could leave an impact on me.  I never forget any critic. But I'm also tough like the other branch. So I don't cry that much and I bear a lot. So confusing because my dad keeps telling me things like "We don't cry, toughen up." while my mother tells me things like "Are you heartless?!" when I'm cold or neutral.

Your fellow blogger is the oldest grandchild in the mother's family but one of the youngest in the father's. So I get treated like a kid at 5 pm and a role model and idol at 8. This has been confusing as well, I couldn't figure how to act, you know? So exhausting. Even though some of my paternal cousins no longer treat me like a kid, deep down, I feel like one when I'm around them. Some times it's hard to find common ground for discussion with them, but it's definitely harder to find common ground with my maternal cousins. I mean, my problems and obsessions such as career choice and not having enough money to travel are nothing like theirs which are planning a Frozen-themed birthday party and going to the gymnastics practice after school.

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Embracing my Flaws

As cliché as it sounds, but nobody's perfect and this is a fact. We all have flaws and we all need to improve. No matter how old, rich or healthy you are.

Confidence level= infinity.
(I posed in front of this purple truck because I found it cute, but the photo turned out like this anyway!)

Improvement has been my middle name for the past two years at least. Frankly, it pays off when you listen to your beloved ones acknowledging the effort you've put in your improvement. It was a very long journey that I had to take on my own and I must say I'm so proud of myself.

However, some flaws of mine are impossible to change and I had to accept then embrace them.

First of all, I am so clumsy. It's a flaw I've had all my life and I'm unapologetically blaming the genetics. I know no one in my entire family is clumsy, but it's definitely genetics. I warn new friends about my clumsiness so they'd be mentally prepared to rescue me before falling or warn me before bumping into anything. There's no possible way to unsubscribe to Clumsiness Daily, but I'm accepting it. I'm not ashamed of it. Nobody seems to be annoyed by it, except for my family who keeps mocking it. (click here to read an article from last year about it)

Nummer zwei, since I was a kid, I couldn't focus properly. I've always daydreamed a lot, in the middle of classes, when anyone talked to me or basically at any time. I still do. But what I've learned through the fascinating Internet is that due to my attention deficiency, I tend to speak over people. Let me explain. I would be sitting with a bunch of people, discussing a topic. Then I'd zone out, think about a whole other topic. Then when I come back, not hearing the others, I talk about the new topic of mine, out of the blue, not paying attention at all. I generally don't intend to interrupt people, I don't do this because what I have to say is more important. I'm a little more aware now so; to minimize the harm, I try as much as I can to explain it beforehand, so that close people would expect it, understand and then move on. When it happens, I quickly apologize and tell them to resume, and gladly they get it so the conversation flows back again instantly. Some might suggest medications, but I can't do meds for a number of reasons, but that's for another article. 

My last embraced flaw is my terrible, terrible memory. This as well could be solved with meds, I know. What I do to tame it is that I organize everything more. Long- and short-term to-do lists, check-lists, putting everything in my calendar with multiple reminders, taking notes of everything, taking so many photos... It helps greatly. I mean, even if I'm just meeting my friends I put it on the calendar, if I'm ordering food I write it down, you can imagine..


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Eye Surgery

Minutes after the surgery

Hello there!

On the 7th of the last month, I had a Lasik eye surgery. Thank God! Finally!! I've always hated wearing glasses and I've even dedicated a whole article to talk about it, click here to read it.

A lot of my friends and acquaintances asked me about the details of the procedure and if it hurt or not. Weeeell, the following is purely my own experience that's probably different than yours. 

On the 6th, I casually went to the doctor to have a regular eye test, the one with the house picture and the E's. (see picture down below if you don't know what I mean, lucky bastard). Then we told him I wanted to get my eyes done and asked if it was possible. So I did a cornea test which is basically staring into a red light for some time until they scan  (is this the proper term?) my eyes. Individually, of course.

They don't display them all at once, but instead gradually, the bigger groups first.

This picture is displayed and it gets blurry on its own, I don't know what the device does, but it sure measures something!

Since my mother has a certain cornea shape that prevents her from having the surgery, I was so nervous I had it too and then couldn't do it. 

Later I had to see the doctor again so he'd tell me if I were illegible or not and then what type of surgery I should have. And since he had other surgeries, my mom called him to fix an appointment for the next day and I left.

The next day, when I was just about to get into the car, my mom told me "Oh did I forget to tell you? You're doing the surgery today!"

"What?! I thought we're going there to see which type and THEN to fix a date for the surgery."

"No, yesterday after you left I saw your doctor and agreed to have it by 5 pm." my mom said very casually.

I thought such surgeries took time to be planned or something. I expected at least to have it a week after the tests.

I waited at least an hour in the waiting room. Then they brought me to another, smaller waiting room where they got me prepared for the procedure.

I wore a hospital gown, a head and shoes covers. They put two rounds of two droplets in my eyes: anesthetics.

I forgot to mention, I was afraid of eye droplets. I couldn't even open my eyes for the first round.

Then, in the operation room, I lied down. There were strong white lightings before my eyes. They covered all my face but an eye and then put a metallic thing inside my eye to prevent me from blinking. Another droplet, they basically took advantage I couldn't close my eyes to do it. During the entire time (ten minutes), I had to fix my sight on a green light in between all the strong others and that was so painful to me. (a friend of mine found it pretty normal so it's probably just me).

The surgery itself has two parts. The first, as I saw it myself, consists of removing an incredibly fine part of the cornea with a scalpel. The second is basically applying the laser for 12 seconds. (for me it was 12, but my doctor told me it differs from a person to another)

I almost didn't feel the scalpel part, but the laser! Oh my God! I literally smelled my eyes burning. Definitely one of the scariest scents in my whole existence.

Now what I really appreciated about the team that conducted my surgery is that they were personal. In other words, they kept calling me by my name. "Do this, Samaa..". I've been to tons of dentists that didn't do that, so I don't know if it's the norm or if they were extra nice. And then the doctor kept telling me things like "You're doing great so far." and "Only three seconds left, hold on!"

After the surgery, everything was blurry. A terrible headache hit me, I couldn't bear it. When I talked, I didn't make much sense either. More waiting then the doctor checked again on my eyes. He gave me eye drops to apply hourly for the first day. No screens allowed, no eye make-up, no sprays near my eyes...

When I got home, I couldn't even bear the lights. I stayed in the darkness for the first night. No phone, no books, nothing.

Few hours later, I was in so much pain, I was literally screaming. My eyes were so dry. I put way too many eye drops. They burned at first, then sort of lubricated my eyes. I couldn't sleep from the pain plus the headache. But ended up sleeping somehow, I don't know how.

For the next week, I put antibiotic eye drops regularly. Four times a day for two days, then three times for two days..etc.

I was able to resume my normal life, few days after the surgery. I went outside after four days, even when my doctor told me I could be exposed to the sun two days after the surgery, I just didn't feel ready.  I started using my phone and laptop normally after three days.

The week after, it was some lubricating eye drops, three times a day. I have to admit, I wasn't pretty committed to those ones. And I'll try to do better from now on.

Last but not least, special thanks to my sister and Mayssara for texting people on my phone when I couldn't look at any screens at all. Thank you to all my friends who visited me when I couldn't do anything except stay in the total darkness. A final thank you for Alaa for entertaining me over the phone. 

Almost forget, thank you, Dana, for being with me before the surgery and tolerating my whinging! And thank you, Mahmoud, for sending me memes because I was scared like hell. 


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