Am I Lucky or Hard-Working?

Hey beloved readers, how are you doing? How are the holidays/ finals?

Yesterday, I was lying in bed after a long exhausting day of cleaning the house and redecorating it, thinking about my life.

I reviewed my last three years, the ups and downs, then asked myself "Am I lucky or hard-working?"

Comfy cute PJs + new deep wallpaper + warm socks = winter vibes

I mean, I'm lucky to have such a supportive family who wanted me to study abroad. I'm lucky to have spent most of my school years in a French school and became fluent. I'm lucky to have been accepted in the best university in Paris. I'm lucky to have amazing friends who are by my side, despite the distance and despite all of us being busy adults. I'm so lucky to have Mahi with me, sharing the good and the bad moments, help me through the struggles and cheer for me. Last but not least, I'm beyond lucky to be with Alaa.

But..

It's not enough to just depend on my luck. 

I mean, yes it takes pure luck to have these things, but I have to work hard to maintain them. 

I worked so hard on my French, I didn't just depend on the school work. Now, I have to work so, so hard at my college to pass. I have to communicate a lot with all the people in my life in order to have healthy relationships with them, some times even sacrifie to maintain those relationships. I have to invest a lot of time and effort for those relationships.

I was lucky to have these things to begin with, yes, thank God! And I'm very thankful and aware that I'm privileged. But if I don't work hard enough to keep them, I'd lose everything.

What about my satisfaction? 

I mean, sometimes I forget for a second about how much I prayed for what I have now. (Very cliché but true, I promise). To make matters worse, sometimes because of a minor issue, I'm not satisfied with what I have. Or even worse, I want more..

Now, what I do when I'm not satisfied is that I remind myself of how much I was craving what I have now. I strongly believe that if a person is never satisfied that means they have a serious problem of insatisfaction, greediness and a lack of realisme. I believe that if you're pessimistic and only focus on what's missing from you, you're doing it wrong and you're not even fully living.

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Overthinking is Good.

Yeah you read that right! Also, I miss publishing articles so much!! 

Overthinking is good, I mean not when it prevents you from sleeping or functioning properly, of course.

Just hear my arguments. Maybe you'd be convinced.

I, like you, believed it was bad and exhausting to overthink everything. I was opposed to this philosophy too when Alaa kept saying it, until gradually I noticed its accuracy and saw how I improved.

Reviewing my recent actions is a part of my daily routine. Even the smallest ones. For example when I go to the supermarket, afterwards I start asking myself "Was I friendly enough? Did I smile enough? Or too much?"... At least this helps me know how I'm behaving and how to improve.

Overthinking is what helps me improve as a person, because it pushes me to communicate more and want to do better.

And of course the classic, reviewing old actions and thinking about what I could have done. This is useless. What good can thinking of what I did wrong five years ago do to me? I have no control over it. If I had a time machine, yeah that would've been perfect, but I don't.

We can now easily classify overthinking into two categories: the bad and pointless type of overthinking which I'd like to call: Pointless Overthinking and the good type that helps me improve: Good Overthinking. Very obvious and short names, I know!

When I review my actions and then go back to the people and ask them if I annoyed or hurt them, that's some Good Overthinking. When my overthinking pushes me to plan more for my future, it's the good type, but when I obsess over what I can't plan/ change and worry, it's the Pointless, obviously.

So, you have to train your brain. And this is what I'm still learning to do. Ask yourself, every time, "Is this constructive? Will this lead me to do better?"

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Sitting on the Fence

So here's the deal. I look like a carbon copy of my mom. I was basically too lazy to mix and match the facial features from both of my parents so I took everything from my mother. My face is basically plagiarism.

But when it comes to my personality, I have traits from both families, definitely along with gained ones. It's both great and terrible.

I like it because I feel connected to both bloods and have the best of both worlds. But also I feel distant, like sitting on the fence and belonging nowhere.

For example, I am sensitive just like my mother's branch. The slightest actions could leave an impact on me.  I never forget any critic. But I'm also tough like the other branch. So I don't cry that much and I bear a lot. So confusing because my dad keeps telling me things like "We don't cry, toughen up." while my mother tells me things like "Are you heartless?!" when I'm cold or neutral.

Your fellow blogger is the oldest grandchild in the mother's family but one of the youngest in the father's. So I get treated like a kid at 5 pm and a role model and idol at 8. This has been confusing as well, I couldn't figure how to act, you know? So exhausting. Even though some of my paternal cousins no longer treat me like a kid, deep down, I feel like one when I'm around them. Some times it's hard to find common ground for discussion with them, but it's definitely harder to find common ground with my maternal cousins. I mean, my problems and obsessions such as career choice and not having enough money to travel are nothing like theirs which are planning a Frozen-themed birthday party and going to the gymnastics practice after school.

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Embracing my Flaws

As cliché as it sounds, but nobody's perfect and this is a fact. We all have flaws and we all need to improve. No matter how old, rich or healthy you are.

Confidence level= infinity.
(I posed in front of this purple truck because I found it cute, but the photo turned out like this anyway!)

Improvement has been my middle name for the past two years at least. Frankly, it pays off when you listen to your beloved ones acknowledging the effort you've put in your improvement. It was a very long journey that I had to take on my own and I must say I'm so proud of myself.

However, some flaws of mine are impossible to change and I had to accept then embrace them.

First of all, I am so clumsy. It's a flaw I've had all my life and I'm unapologetically blaming the genetics. I know no one in my entire family is clumsy, but it's definitely genetics. I warn new friends about my clumsiness so they'd be mentally prepared to rescue me before falling or warn me before bumping into anything. There's no possible way to unsubscribe to Clumsiness Daily, but I'm accepting it. I'm not ashamed of it. Nobody seems to be annoyed by it, except for my family who keeps mocking it. (click here to read an article from last year about it)

Nummer zwei, since I was a kid, I couldn't focus properly. I've always daydreamed a lot, in the middle of classes, when anyone talked to me or basically at any time. I still do. But what I've learned through the fascinating Internet is that due to my attention deficiency, I tend to speak over people. Let me explain. I would be sitting with a bunch of people, discussing a topic. Then I'd zone out, think about a whole other topic. Then when I come back, not hearing the others, I talk about the new topic of mine, out of the blue, not paying attention at all. I generally don't intend to interrupt people, I don't do this because what I have to say is more important. I'm a little more aware now so; to minimize the harm, I try as much as I can to explain it beforehand, so that close people would expect it, understand and then move on. When it happens, I quickly apologize and tell them to resume, and gladly they get it so the conversation flows back again instantly. Some might suggest medications, but I can't do meds for a number of reasons, but that's for another article. 

My last embraced flaw is my terrible, terrible memory. This as well could be solved with meds, I know. What I do to tame it is that I organize everything more. Long- and short-term to-do lists, check-lists, putting everything in my calendar with multiple reminders, taking notes of everything, taking so many photos... It helps greatly. I mean, even if I'm just meeting my friends I put it on the calendar, if I'm ordering food I write it down, you can imagine..


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Eye Surgery

Minutes after the surgery

Hello there!

On the 7th of the last month, I had a Lasik eye surgery. Thank God! Finally!! I've always hated wearing glasses and I've even dedicated a whole article to talk about it, click here to read it.

A lot of my friends and acquaintances asked me about the details of the procedure and if it hurt or not. Weeeell, the following is purely my own experience that's probably different than yours. 

On the 6th, I casually went to the doctor to have a regular eye test, the one with the house picture and the E's. (see picture down below if you don't know what I mean, lucky bastard). Then we told him I wanted to get my eyes done and asked if it was possible. So I did a cornea test which is basically staring into a red light for some time until they scan  (is this the proper term?) my eyes. Individually, of course.

They don't display them all at once, but instead gradually, the bigger groups first.

This picture is displayed and it gets blurry on its own, I don't know what the device does, but it sure measures something!

Since my mother has a certain cornea shape that prevents her from having the surgery, I was so nervous I had it too and then couldn't do it. 

Later I had to see the doctor again so he'd tell me if I were illegible or not and then what type of surgery I should have. And since he had other surgeries, my mom called him to fix an appointment for the next day and I left.

The next day, when I was just about to get into the car, my mom told me "Oh did I forget to tell you? You're doing the surgery today!"

"What?! I thought we're going there to see which type and THEN to fix a date for the surgery."

"No, yesterday after you left I saw your doctor and agreed to have it by 5 pm." my mom said very casually.

I thought such surgeries took time to be planned or something. I expected at least to have it a week after the tests.

I waited at least an hour in the waiting room. Then they brought me to another, smaller waiting room where they got me prepared for the procedure.

I wore a hospital gown, a head and shoes covers. They put two rounds of two droplets in my eyes: anesthetics.

I forgot to mention, I was afraid of eye droplets. I couldn't even open my eyes for the first round.

Then, in the operation room, I lied down. There were strong white lightings before my eyes. They covered all my face but an eye and then put a metallic thing inside my eye to prevent me from blinking. Another droplet, they basically took advantage I couldn't close my eyes to do it. During the entire time (ten minutes), I had to fix my sight on a green light in between all the strong others and that was so painful to me. (a friend of mine found it pretty normal so it's probably just me).

The surgery itself has two parts. The first, as I saw it myself, consists of removing an incredibly fine part of the cornea with a scalpel. The second is basically applying the laser for 12 seconds. (for me it was 12, but my doctor told me it differs from a person to another)

I almost didn't feel the scalpel part, but the laser! Oh my God! I literally smelled my eyes burning. Definitely one of the scariest scents in my whole existence.

Now what I really appreciated about the team that conducted my surgery is that they were personal. In other words, they kept calling me by my name. "Do this, Samaa..". I've been to tons of dentists that didn't do that, so I don't know if it's the norm or if they were extra nice. And then the doctor kept telling me things like "You're doing great so far." and "Only three seconds left, hold on!"

After the surgery, everything was blurry. A terrible headache hit me, I couldn't bear it. When I talked, I didn't make much sense either. More waiting then the doctor checked again on my eyes. He gave me eye drops to apply hourly for the first day. No screens allowed, no eye make-up, no sprays near my eyes...

When I got home, I couldn't even bear the lights. I stayed in the darkness for the first night. No phone, no books, nothing.

Few hours later, I was in so much pain, I was literally screaming. My eyes were so dry. I put way too many eye drops. They burned at first, then sort of lubricated my eyes. I couldn't sleep from the pain plus the headache. But ended up sleeping somehow, I don't know how.

For the next week, I put antibiotic eye drops regularly. Four times a day for two days, then three times for two days..etc.

I was able to resume my normal life, few days after the surgery. I went outside after four days, even when my doctor told me I could be exposed to the sun two days after the surgery, I just didn't feel ready.  I started using my phone and laptop normally after three days.

The week after, it was some lubricating eye drops, three times a day. I have to admit, I wasn't pretty committed to those ones. And I'll try to do better from now on.

Last but not least, special thanks to my sister and Mayssara for texting people on my phone when I couldn't look at any screens at all. Thank you to all my friends who visited me when I couldn't do anything except stay in the total darkness. A final thank you for Alaa for entertaining me over the phone. 

Almost forget, thank you, Dana, for being with me before the surgery and tolerating my whinging! And thank you, Mahmoud, for sending me memes because I was scared like hell. 


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Glasses.

Hi there! It's been forever, I know. I don't even have a good excuse, but here we go.

I've worn glasses since grade 6, which is a long time ago. And trust me, there's nothing good about them. Except, seeing, of course.

Okay, so yeah, I can SEE with glasses, which is important, obviously. The first day I tried them on, the floor looked slanted. It made me feel dizzy and confused. What's so fun about eyes is that they give you headaches for every reason, so yeah, tough day.

The world appeared brighter, everything became more defined. Objects used to blend in with each other. That feeling of "seeing" for the first time is unique. Even though I keep on changing lenses, the difference's never this significant. 

The worst part about wearing glasses, in my opinion, is the dependency. If I lose or break them, I'm screwed. Some terrible headache happens few seconds after taking them off. My eyes even hurt. When I'm not wearing my glasses, I cannot see nor hear. And that's something non-glasses people will never understand and glasses people will never be able to explain. Thus, if anyone of us wakes up, don't talk to them until they wear their glasses, unless you enjoy some extra morning stupidity and a lot of "What? Where?"'s.

Lying on bed  or the couch is impossible cause you'd be so close to breaking them. You have to take them off in the amusement park (I never do, but you have to). You have to take them off when changing clothes and taking a shower and washing your face and it's just tiring. I can't remember the number of times I [almost] got hurt in the shower because I couldn't see. Drinking a hot drink and breathing at the same time means the vapours will make you blind for a minute. 

When the glasses have few dry water drops or are somehow dirty this gives me a headache some times but it never fails to irritate me. Of course a rainy day or a day by the sea is quite irritating.

No matter how many times my friends will tell me they're used to me with glasses and how "cute" I look in them, I've always wished I do an eye surgery and get rid of them for good.

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Priorities

This academic year has been a roller-coaster. So much has to be done, planned and considered. I write a lot whether in my diaries or on Blogger, but till now it's mostly short incomplete drafts. Therefore I don't publish much this year. I do blogging for fun and that's why I would never pressure myself to do it regularly, it's not a chore. I want to do it when I feel like.

The main article, here we go.

Most of my priorities combined in one photo. Excuse the low quality of the photo, long story.

Some people have strict priorities, like "family comes first" or "work comes first" and they act accordingly at all times.

But my priorities don't work like that, there is a list. It's so flexible and interchangeable depending on the situation.

My priorities list includes: 

(definitely not in order)

• College/ career
• Diet
• Working out
• Family
• Reading
• Friends
• Writing
• Travelling 
• Mental health 
• Chores
• Blogging
• Diaries 
• Saving money
• Food
• Physical health
• Fashion
• Skincare
• Self-improvement
• Religion
• Happiness
• Love
• Sleep
• Purpose

22 priorities.

Mostly.

I do have a lot on my mind. Told you, I'm an overthinker and planner.

I couldn't even number the list because that would be inaccurate, like I said they're interchangeable.

For example, right now, my priority is being in my writing mood and state of mind, anything else isn't as important. 

When I'm out with anyone (friends, sister, family..) they're my priority, unless something happens. Such as getting a phone call from my mom asking me where I am or getting a text from a friend asking for a quick advice etc.

Accepting the fact that I can't actually permanently pin my priorities is so relieving.

Because I used to get so frustrated when I change them for any reason. Like for instance, going to a family function instead of studying (or the opposite). Or having fun in general instead of studying. I felt guilty a lot. Blaming myself is such a waste of time and energy. I'd rather spend this time applying a face mask. Or listening to music. Or, or, or..


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20 Random Facts about ME!

Originally written on 26/04/2017.

This is sort of a "Know the Author" article but in a random way, shall we?

1. I hate touching food with my bare hands (expect for, like, bread or something dry and not sticky or oily). I know it's weird, but the sensation of food on my fingers is just disgusting to me. And some smelly foods like seafood hardly leave one's hands like before, and yes even when you guys wash your hands they still stink, sorry not sorry! As for cooking, I try not to touch anything and if I do, I instantly wash my hands and pray I won't throw up.

2. I'm obsessed with mermaids. Especially Disney's Ariel. I have an Ariel t-shirt, pyjama, towel, multiple miniatures, pins, mechanical pencil, water bottle and keychain. 

3. I stopped eating McDonald's a year or two before leaving for college but then I ate it a few times in Paris (it's the cheapest option here, that's why). Until, one time, the fish of the Fillet-O-Fish sandwich was blueish, so I had to stop eating there ever again.

4. I hate tea. I tried a bunch of types, but it's really not for me. I'm a shame on the Middle-East, I know.

5. I was born in Kuwait and no I don't have the Kuwaiti citizenship/ passport. They don't grant you the citizenship unless one of your parents is Kuwaiti. This is always an issue when I'm filling official forms, people always get confused and some online forms have the "nationality" and "place of birth" as the same country, automatically.

6. I try to be as eco-friendly as possible; I care a lot about the environment. I do recycling, reuse plastic bags and containers, don't use plastic straws (trying to give up the plastic cutlery too) and rarely waste electricity, water or food.

7. I had a phase where I believed in astrology, I know right! Stupidest two months of my life.

8. I was in the swimming team for so many years even though I didn't like the sport. I loved basketball though.

9. My favourite language is French, no Arabic, French, not sure. Just kidding, it's Arabic. But for real, I used to prefer French.

10. I hate politics. But during the Arab Spring I was always following the events and I had some views and discussed them with others. Now, I try to ignore it on social media as much as I can and I don't follow a certain party.

11. I've been wearing my glasses for nine years now and I can't wait to get rid of them. Probably I will write a whole article on my hate for glasses.

12. I never sugarcoat. If you ask me my opinion I won't go around the bush and I'll be straightforward. I think it's best to give authentic feedback, only when asked, otherwise you'd be a rude person sharing his unwanted opinions.

13. I can ride a bike and skateboard and wear skaters (ice and regular ones).

14. I don't like romantic movies. My favorite genre is comedy. I also love horror and drama. Bollywood movies have a special place in my heart. I don't watch a lot of movies though. I prefer TV shows.

15. I'm a burger person. I could eat a burger at a fancy restaurant with no shame, as long as it's not frozen meat.

16. Coffee and music addict. Chocolate too.

17. I used to draw a lot six years ago. But high school kept me busy so I stopped.

18. I'm a "don't tell me what to do!" type of person. Sometimes.

19. I love singing and dancing. I have a terrible voice but that isn't stopping me.

20. My favorite animals are dolphins and dogs.

BONUS: I had braces for seven years.

How many of these did you know, though?

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The Fit Life!

Few years after leaving the swimming team, I started gaining weight. Tragic.

2007. Credits: Nada Al-Nahass.

It's all because swimmers eat so much as we require a lot of calories to be able to swim kilometres everyday and do fitness a couple of times a week. But when we quit, we remain programmed to eat the same amount but it doesn't get burned so, eventually and gradually, we gain weight. For the first time of our life.

So many months of my life were wasted in unhappiness.. 

It took me some time to realize this. I did eat a lot, to be honest. Even if it was mostly healthy food, but still. I knew I had to start exercising as soon as possible. I knew what needed to be done.

So like many sports beginners, I went to the gym, but failed to commit. It was like torture to me. Zero motivation. Not fun nor exciting at all. Recently, I found out that it was because I hate the gym and that's actually common and pretty normal. You don't have to hate exercise to hate the gym. And I know it's weird to figure this years later but it's also confusing. There are tons of exercise options and people often limit them to a handful and that is unfair and not creative as well.

There was a phase where I did pilates at home everyday and ate better. I started seeing results and it was as rewarding as it should be. Everyone told me I lost weight and I couldn't help but be proud of myself. I felt that finally I would be happier looking in the mirror. But then for reasons beyond me, I gained all the weight back again.

Fast forward to now, I know what types of exercise I like. They even excite me. And I understand that I need to do some which I hate in order to get in shape, AKA abs workouts. (and then probably I'll stop the moment I achieve my goal because I hate them). I cook (mostly) light and healthy meals. I tremendously reduced my portions. I drink lots of water. I limit soda and desserts as much as I can. Fruits became my snacks instead of cake or cookies. I discovered that may be being healthy is harder than leading a regular lifestyle, but it's not that hard and is totally worth it.

When I go for a run, I usually see old couples running together, and they actually beat me. But I also see old people struggling to walk 0.2 km with a walking frame. And this is one of the reasons why I chose the fit life.

And just like my close friend said "I've tried both and I'd choose the fit life over the fat life any day."

I have to admit that some times I fall off the wagon and stop exercising for a month or two and eat garbage, but I get up again and again and again.

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Make a Wish

When I was a kid, apart from not making a wish while blowing my birthday candles, I wished for very different things in life.

School achievements were my priority. And maybe even my sole goal back then. Graduating school with good grades, going to a top university and then getting a well-paid job were my only long-term goals.

My older cousin, Nada, has been telling me my whole life that her goal was just to be happy no matter what she's doing in her life. She thinks happiness is a choice and that it has nothing to do with what you've been through. Since I believed back then that I needed success to be happy, I was never convinced of her philosophy.

The "happiness is a choice" part is debatable, I'll discuss it in another article. Back to the main point.

But now I do. All I wish for in life is happiness.

Happiness is a broad wish, which is really beautiful in my opinion. When I wish (or ask God) for happiness, each time it means something very different that fits my current life phase. Happiness at some point could be doing well in a college presentation despite my fear of public speaking (and yes I've recently concluded that). Other times it might be achieving a new workout milestone like running an extra kilometre or finally being able to do push-ups (one day I will, I'm sure!).

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More Personalities

As you've probably read in the My Personalities article, I have multiple ones, but what I haven't told you yet is that for each language I have a different personality too. So here we go!

Arabic Samaa:

She's a very, very loud chatterbox and not even ashamed of it. She knows it's in her blood. 

She makes almost no spelling or grammatical mistakes and enjoys correcting others. (Even though she's working hard to stop this). Scrolling the Facebook feed gives a headache because of the amount of unforgivable mistakes she sees. Also, "franco" language is too ugly hurts her eyes. If someone sends her a long text in "franco", she has to read it multiple times to be able to process the content. 

Arabic Samaa loves controversial topics when she exchanges views with open-minded people who wouldn't yell at her for being different. She rarely discusses politics. She has an opinion about everything but she keeps it to herself unless asked.

French Samaa:

She has the sexiest voice of them all, since she uses a completely different pitch, and of course because it's French, duh! 

Living in Paris taught her how to be cold and assertive when needed. For example when dealing with a rude shopkeeper who refuses to do a little more help. Or when she stands up for herself against a false claim.

She minds her own business and would rarely chat with strangers. The most practical and serious one of them all.

English Samaa:

Friendly, chatterbox and loud. She enjoys having conversations about anything and everything: from politics to TV shows. 

English Samaa is braver than the others in general. She makes friends easily and has small talk with the shopkeepers, other travellers and basically anyone. She's not afraid to try new things, asks for directions even though she hates it so much and couchsurfing! 

She reads the most of them all because she trusts English articles more and because she doesn't want to fade away.

German Samaa:

There's a chance she'll disappear because apparently she's not needed that much. She's so shy and quiet and not confident at all. She's aware of her mistakes and has no problem being corrected. (Even though it hurts her pride a little). The German aggressiveness hasn't had any effect on her, yet.

The Hybrid:

The rarest personality. She's so confused and tense, appears in situations such as: 

In Paris, with a non-French speaker friend, ordering food. Then she proceeds to ask her friend "What sauce do you want?" in Arabic, leaving the friend perplexed. She then repeats the question in French, no response, and then finally reaches English. All of this is followed by a headache because Samaa's brain can't handle this confusion.

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Starting Over.

An anonymous contribution.

Credit: minhamakeglamour.com

Ending a relationship is hard on so many levels. One of the hardest parts for me is the notion of starting all over with someone new. It's scary.

It's scary that after investing in a friendship and then a relationship, I have to throw all of that away. It's what Coldplay described as "When you love someone and it goes to waste". All of this effort becomes...nothing. A void. Zero.

After exposing my deepest fears, saddest memories, issues and small details, I have to re-do all of that again. And of course, what I've told before day by day, would be said now in a sentence. A sentence that might include the most important parts of what happened, but would never show the emotions I've lived. "I had many issues" would replace months or even years of agony. Where my then-lover was a shoulder to cry on, listener and problem solver. Where he was the bright side of my shattered life. The highlight of my gloomy days.

All the inside jokes, catch phrases and common interests are meaningless now. I hate it when I accidentally use them with someone else, because I know only him could understand.

It needs a lot of energy. A new will to commit and communicate. And a bunch of other things. Because my walls have been broken down by my ex-lover but were doubled up once he broke my heart.

Is it even possible to trust someone again and expose myself this much? Was I even wrong to do it before? 

But I know that eventually, I'll move on. Because I've done it before.

Also, click here for a related article.

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Advice.

Advice. We've all given and received them at some point of our life. Whether it's good or bad advice. [I'm literally smirking as I write this]

2016 - A photo taken by an anonymous person, if you took it please come forward.
I have no idea what's the context of this photos as well, apart from working on the ROV report, but I felt like it suited the article, so here you go!

Have you ever faced a situation where you felt the urge and need to give advice? Like, for instance, when your friend's complaining about their job, family or partner? Well, don't. Just don't give advice unless you've been asked to. I personally find it really annoying when I get interrupted in the middle of telling an awful experience or problem. And I'm sure many people feel the same way too. A voice in my head screams during such situations something that goes along the lines of: "Stop.", "Just let me rant." and "I just want to get all my emotions and tension out. That's all, I promise." So what should you do instead? I promise you that simply listening is what we want. I p r o m i s e. If we want more, we'll ask. A very helpful thing to do as well is asking your ranter about their feelings and just let them let it all out! "How do you feel about this?" is a magic spell.

Besides this, I do love giving tips and advice. I would be lying if I said I've never given unasked-for advice. I'm sure I've done it, but I won't again. But really, I love advising people. Especially when it's something I'm good at or knowledgeable of. An example of topics I excelled in advising in is studying abroad. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not full of myself, but I've spent all four years of high school searching and asking about colleges abroad that I roughly know the best spot for most of the needs. So when a younger friend asks me about French colleges I feel great when I help them. It feels like donating a part of your brain, if that's not too weird. 

Some times I've been given bad advice. And when I say "bad" I mean unsuitable. If you know me, you'd know that I expect all good intentions from people. So it's not a question of someone trying to hurt me or be better than me, no. It's a matter of giving me advice that worked for them or their friends but won't work for me. Like, for example, if I rant about being short on money and a friend advises me to stop buying mineral water because the tap water is just fine, this won't work for me. I'd be the only homeless drinking mineral water in the world, because I just can't. And yes, water has a taste. And each brand tastes completely different. I swear you could blindfold me and  I'd identify them. But that's not the point of the article, I'll write another one about my tasting sense. Back to the advice.

Other times, I was almost forced to follow the advice. I mean, I get it, this specific piece of advice has changed your entire life, but it still won't work for me, so why insist? Also, why do people feel offended when I don't follow their advice? (Whether I asked for it or not ) I mean I haven't asked for your advice, then you should know why by now. And if I asked you for it but didn't follow it, I swear by God that I've never meant to disrespect you. It's just that I probably asked many people in order to collect ideas and opinions before analysing and deciding. But your opinion and advice still matter to me! And I still love you, yes! And you should understand that if I do ask you for advice, this means you mean a lot to me. Even if I don't follow it. Yes. 

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Don't Let Me Down

Being let down sucks. I guess many of my beloved readers could relate to that. But here's my own experience.

Hanging down - 2012

I don't put high hopes and expectations unless I believe in the person. Either out of love, trust or a long history. But most likely, love.

So when I'm let down, it physically hurts me. Beyond imagination . It breaks my heart. I become so angry and could even scream.

I'm usually strong, but when it comes to someone I've deeply loved and trusted, the disappointment and betrayal weaken me.

It takes me some time to fix the broken pieces and be able to stand up again. And of course I lean on other beloved ones to go back to the field and resume the fight.

I don't automatically stop trusting people afterwards. Because everyone is different and it'd be unfair to distrust everyone because of a person, wouldn't it ?

Forgiveness? Yes. I've recently discovered that I don't hold grudges, but only if they come back regretting what they've done. Apologizing isn't even remotely enough for me. I need to feel the remorse and regret. To see, later on, some effort, and eventually, some changes. "Sorry" won't fix anything.

If the regret was followed by another disappointment, it's almost impossible to win me back.

Don't let me down.

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Signs of a Real Friendship

Friendship is not about how much time you spend together or how much you laugh. Those parts could easily be fulfilled since no-one would walk away from you in your best days. Depending on my humble experience in life, almost 21 years, the following are some signs of a real friendship.

Real friends are there for you "when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year". They offer you all possible kinds of support. They'd do anything to cheer you up, joking, making funny faces, tickling you, silly dancing, you name it. They'll try their best to help you in your issues. If they can't give you solutions to your problems they'll try to ease the pain at least. Having someone to rant to is so rare.

You don't feel ashamed being vulnerable in front of them. No matter how tough or strong you are, you expose your sensitive side to them. If you're like me, a rare crier, you don't feel weak if you cried in front of your close friends. You wouldn't hesitate much. They help you glue your broken parts, with no judgement or underestimation. Your feelings and emotions are valid to them.

You know your friendship is real when you don't think too much before talking with them. They'd never judge your unpopular opinions and views. They'd never broadcast your latest news.

No need for straightforward words when your friends can read your facial expressions like an open book. No matter how hard you're trying to act normal, they'll know you're down. They'll respect your privacy if you're a secretive person or bomb you with questions if you're not. Which is because..

They know what you want and need. Advice? Hugs? A shoulder to cry on? Support? They know it all, and if they don't they'll try their best.

Trust is of course a sign of a true friendship. It's not just for keeping the secrets but it's also trusting that they've got your back. They'll defend you behind your back.

Real friends don't comfort  you with a lie. Instead they tell you straight to your face that you're wrong or you need to improve. For example, when you ask a real friend "What am I doing wrong? Why is my life falling apart" her reply would be something like "Because you don't sleep enough. You need to work out. Stop keeping toxic people around..." This is because true friends want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and emotionally. Even if they know their reply could upset you now, but they know you'll thank them later.

Don't you some times feel weak? Like, you need support making a call or sending an important email. Well, real ones would be there for you as well. Real ones would write your super important email with you sitting next to them anxiously. Real ones would help you write your CV or look for scholarships when you're too lazy or down to do it yourself. Real friends are basically and unconditionally extra arms and brains. I don't want to brag or anything, but I booked a doctor's appointment for my friend the other day, yeah.

Some of my real friends have a superpower. Yeah, I know, right? When I'm secretly sad, I find them calling, sending me old photos of us and/or memes, randomly complimenting me and checking up on me. "I have the feeling you're not okay." And needless to say, lying to them is useless because they end up knowing.

Another superpower some have is understanding when to give me advice and when to just listen. I wrote a whole article about advice, click here to check it out!

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Impulsive, Overthinker and Planner

We all know how difficult it is to overthink. Maybe not everyone knows, excuse my generalisation, allow me to explain.

Belgium, after a long day of exploring (and thinking).

I think all the damn time. While showering, cooking, cleaning, in the métro, working out, even while sleeping.  And if I'm not thinking, flashbacks of terrible memories happen. Or maybe stupid things I've done or said. It's mentally exhausting. Energy consuming. And it takes away the beauty in anything I currently have. I keep asking myself and maybe even others "what if..?", "what should I do if..?"...instead of living the moment. To shut my brain down, I resorted to reading when I'm in the métro for example. Listening to music while working out is effective too. It's not enough but it's a pretty good start.

It's even harder being an overthinker and a planner. I don't just plan my whole life ahead but I also can't stop thinking of all the scenarios. No matter how far in the future they are or how hardly possible they are. Plan A, then B, and then C and maybe even till Z. I want to be prepared. If Plan A fails me I want Plan B to rescue me, that's my logic. Even though, many times, I had only one plan that unfortunately failed. After grieving the failure, I made a new sole plan (not so different from the first, to be honest) that eventually worked out. Planning makes me feel safe, but overthinking ruins it for me.

Imagine adding impulsiveness to the mix. It doesn't make any sense, I know. But try for a bit. You can't right?

Well, my impulsiveness is occasional. I can hear you, guys, okay, it's not occasional, more like most of the time. I have no idea how could a person be an overthinker and impulsive simultaneously, but here I am. I could say the most reckless nonsense and then spend years thinking, analysing and regretting. It's a tiring cycle, people. I must admit I'm a little proud of myself for limiting the recklessness. Maturing is so cool, says the same girl who does a dive cartwheel in public, ha ha. I swear I'm maturing in the remaining aspects, though.

Did I forget to mention my permanently high expectations? Maybe next time, see you soon!

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My Personalities

And here I am, finally. Due to many personal and academic obligations, it has been very hard to publish lately. I'm trying as much as possible to include writing in my daily routine, because it's one of my priorities, but some times it's hard. I'm sure my beloved readers understand.

I have to admit, I have multiple personalities. Some people might call this sides of the same person, but to me, they're sort of very different disconnected people.

Decision Maker: this is the master mind, obviously. The voice inside my head and the most assertive version of me. She's assertive (and bossy) to the rest of them, most importantly, and to basically anyone else.

Romantic Samaa: she's been locked in the attic her whole life.  You can imagine how weird and awkward she is. And she rarely shows up during the kissing scenes in movies. Last witnessed in the year.. um.. She's probably gone missing. Next..!

10-year-old: the one who suggests the most reckless actions. She's responsible for all the crazy last-minute plans and actions. Blinded by her passions, she has no boundaries. Every road to a desire of hers is a straight line.

Savage Samaa: my favorite one. Prepare some cold water before dealing with her cause the burns are real. She's not afraid of dancing around the lines, never crossed them though.

Sensitive Samaa: somehow she's there. She knows quite well she doesn't belong, but she stays nevertheless. But at least, she's not emotional enough to cry over every single thing. She's the one of the least apparent Samaas. She's always there, but backstage, for very few people to see.

Fun Sky: the one responsable for the jokes and excessive laughter. She's so extrovert it might scare new acquaintances. Especially if they're a little shy. Loves memes and comics more than anything else in the world. Capable of dancing anywhere, not caring for strangers' glares.

Moods: the most annoying one, cause to be completely honest all of them are (to an extent). She hates everyone including herself.. She's currently packing her stuff and prepared for leaving for good. Nobody is going to miss her and they made it clear.

The Realest: the one who'd tell you straight to your face that you basically suck. She and the Decision Maker get along. So, yeah. If you come to Samaa for advice, she's the one handling it.

Teddy Bear: the cute one. The one who shows love and affection, gives compliments and heartfelt life advice. She could tell you out of the blue that she loves you and appreciates your existence. A new member.

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