I Kept their Gifts

An extract from my diaries.

2014.

29/05/2015

I kicked them out of my life. But I kept their gifts anyway…

Is it because I like the gifts and can't stand the idea of throwing them? Or because I want to keep reminding myself that they once meant the world to me however they left? Probably number 2… I usually do this. I hate deleting photos, messages or anything that reminds me of old friends. I want to keep in mind that everybody will eventually leave me so that I won't be surprised or shocked.

Don't get me wrong, I love my current friends to the moon and back, but I expect them to step out of my life one day. I wish it never happens, cause they seem different this time.

Their friendship is different. The Notions' bond is completely different from any bonds I've made my whole life. It'd kill me to leave them for good one day cause it'll be so hard to replace them, nearly impossible. Where can I find a bunch of cool weirdos who love me for who I am? Who love the way I act, my hyperactivity, my clumsiness and my dirty mind?

In all the communities I've been it wasn't immediate to fit in, unlike Notions. They took care of me, helped me improving in all the aspects and they never stopped believing in me nor making me laugh. They're irreplaceable, unforgettable and amazing people.

I hope they feel the same way towards me. I hope they think that they cannot find another Samaa who's hyperactive and clumsy but can work hard to get what she wants, never loses faith and loves to help people out.

The memories I made with them shall stick to my head cause it's so hard to repeat them with someone else…

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Paradox.

I'm a paradox. In fact, I'm a mixture of many paradoxes.

Me posing while fake-smoking even though I hate cigarettes and hookahs..

If you open my closet and look closely, you'll find my clothes hanging sorted by colour. Everything in my apartment has its own place and I get irritated if someone changes anything.

But my desk is a mess, all the time.

I clean all the time. The floor, the tables and the bathroom.

But I hate doing the dishes and I leave them for a while.

I love people and socializing in general. Gatherings and outings cheer me up.

But I hurt people with my words. Whether consciously or not.

All my meetings and tasks are documented in my calendar. Several reminders are set.

But I'm always late and I submit after the deadlines.

I'd travel an hour and a half to buy a mirror for half its price and I'd save as little as 40 cents while grocery shopping.

But I spend too much on clothes.

Having a career is one of my long-term goals and I'm working on it.

But I want to take a break from everything and travel the world.

I'm trying to be as healthy as I can. I cook balanced meals and exercise as much as possible.

But I don't take my meds.

I'm a human.

That's how we are.


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I Woke Up Today

An extract from my diaries.

03/05/2017

Credit: Pinterest

I woke up today, early as usual. I was feeling terrible. Physically sad. Not only because of college's stress and the general homesickness, but there was also an extra reason this morning.

I was feeling terrible because of a friend, a friend whom I thought understood me, told me last night to stop talking and thinking about death and suicide. Stop thinking. As if we could control our thoughts. I heard the brilliant suggestion as "I'm sick of you repeating yourself everyday" and "Stop being dramatic". Even though they apologized and claimed using the wrong words out of fear of losing me, I can't help but still be hurt. I do appreciate how they tried to make it up for me, I'm not heartless nor stupid. But things will never be the same between us.

I might seem dramatic, but to be disappointed by a friend and supporter hurts. It hurts to remember what you shared with them that, apparently, has no value. No impact. It hurts that despite telling them what you're going through, they still fail to understand, even though they empathised with you when you shared what you now regret sharing.

It must be hard to be friends with me, since I write down everything and (you'd even say) exaggerate.
But this has become a sort of therapy to me.

I'm better now, I promise. Read a cheerful article here!

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13 Methods How

As a human with a suicidal girl in my life, Amy, I feel personally affected by the whole subject of self-harm and suicide. I want to help, even though I'm not sure I can. I want to understand so I avoid saying wrong useless clichés like "You should just stop thinking about it." I'm unable to fully process the issue, but I try to listen and let her just complain, yell or cry. 

A Remarkable Scene in the Show.

Have you heard about 13 Reasons Why? (Bonus question: did you watch it?).  In case you haven't let me introduce it with no spoilers. It's a series telling the story of a girl who's committed suicide and left tapes for the people responsible. Some of the people who hurt her had no clue they even did. Or, to be precise, didn't imagine it being that serious anyway. But the end result was some of them denying and others feeling guilty after they listened to the tapes. The series became so famous, leaving the viewers rethinking their smallest actions and their effect on others' lives.

Few days ago, I shared this article on Facebook, really well-expressed, check it out. What was rewarding was the fact that a friend of a friend encouraged his colleagues to hangout with a lonely girl at college because of this article. He didn't just read the article and move on with his life, he took a huge step. Did he change her life? I hope so.

So what's my article trying to teach you? I'm sure you're feeling lost and confused by now, but bear with me. 

In a time where teenagers and young adults have more on their minds than you could imagine, we can't shut our eyes to the amount of stress they already have because of education and activities (at least). Their depression and sadness can't be ignored. They shouldn't be treated as punching bags for older people to get rid of their own anger and hurt. They should be taken seriously when they complain or show pain. There's nothing such as "You're too young to be depressed" or "What did you face in your life that was so painful, anyway?".

As for the fellow adults you come across everyday, be kind to them as much as you can. Give warm compliments randomly, maybe your compliment make their day. Maybe they'd feel better about themselves because of you. Tell them you love them. Appreciate their work. Life's too short to stay mad at people for long.

Your words and actions can hurt others without you even noticing, because people are different. And, if you intentionally hurt others, you deep down know it, even if you keep denying it. It's never too late to make it right, unless the victim attempts suicide, then yes it is late. 

So instead of regretting bullying or abusing a person who chose to take their own life, I advice you to step forward and do the right thing while you still can. Suicide, in my humble opinion, can be avoided if people stopped being mean and inconsiderate. I'm not going to say "Suicide is a permanent decision for temporary problems" and all the other good stuff, because it's more effective to stop people from pushing the victims to end their lives in the first place.

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