Confession to a Pure Soul

An anonymous contribution.

credit: naukrinama.com

Dear Adam,

I know I'll never send you these emails, but I feel much better after writing down my feelings. Or maybe I will send them, we'll see.

I finally made it through the past few days. I thought I wouldn't. 

The emails were a big part of my survival along, with the aid of spending some time talking to the sea, imaging the waves taking my feelings away then giving them back to me. 

Mainly what helped me was a pure confession to a pure soul. You, you're the pure soul. I've summarised all what I've felt for you the last period in a few lines. I realised that shouting my feelings out loud to myself would definitely help me battle my scars and wounds. 

I wasn't wrong when I loved you and I will never regret it; I figured out that I chose the right soul and the right mind but only at the wrong place and the wrong time.

I'm the closest friend you've ever got in this city now, I suppose. I knew that the feeling was not mutual a while before I made my confession, as it was obvious. 

And even after my confession it was still obvious. At first, I was a bit hurt trying to accept my situation of wrong placement and timing but then I realised, after our last conversation, that as long as you're happy, I'll be the happiest person on earth and will stand for any pain that crosses my heart.

We had a deep emotional conversation, remember?

I could notice that I understood every word you said before you even explained it, every tear you shed and every late reply you texted, which stabilised my only true feelings and our connection. You've mentioned a major part of your old life, Sarah. (I know you can't stand seeing or hearing her name but,..) It had me swimming in a pool of tears falling like waterfalls. I rarely cry because of words written on a screen, but your words had the passion and were influential and that's why I was honestly affected by every word you typed.

You were obviously devastated after losing your mother. And, of course during her illness and operations and ER.. It was too much for you, and I know this without even living through it with you or listening to the detailed stories. But Sarah, not only didn't understand, but she even made your pain worse when she left because she couldn't handle the "depression". Words fail me here to describe the situation. 

I could feel you, or at least I try, and walk in your shoes. I'm so sympathetic every time I try to imagine your situation. I didn't know how to help you, so all I could do was share my own hard moments. The worst I've faced was explaining to you that what happened to you was not the end of the world. You still have more than twice your age to live. 

You couldn't forget Sarah because everything reminded you of her. I never asked you to forget her as this will also crop the good memories from the view, but smiling is the key of facing loss and missings. "Whatever is that you've lost don't stop and keep smiling. Smile, smile and smile." 

So that if you remembered her, you would smile rather than cry over the night. At that point, I also knew that my confession to you was more of pain to you than me. At least I was relieved. But for you, you were in more pain to deal with. 

I am sorry for you. For all the loses and confusions.

Although It was great, the most irritating of that conversation is that I love you now more. Earlier, you asked me to try to be your friend for a month and I'm trying. But I think ..., no I'm actually sure that the 30-day trial will be a failure because unfortunately every day that passes I'm more into you. 

I believe I can stand the jealousy now, get over it and focus on your happiness which is my happiness too and stop being selfish. For the first time in my life I felt love and for the first time in my life I had a boy friend that close, I don't know if this is a good thing or not because I might have already decided to study abroad and that means being away from you. I hate goodbyes as much as I hate Donald Trump.

I can't see you far, I need you and you need me (as far as I believe). I don't want to make the same mistake she made, I don't want to leave you alone here in Egypt and suffer. 

I didn't know that some day would come when I'd think of cancelling my whole travelling just for someone whoever it was. I didn't say I will but at least I've thought of it and that's enough. 

I learned the existence of some feelings that I wasn't aware of. I was so afraid to face myself but I think I already did now. That is enough for now I think. I don't know if I would ever show him these words right here in this note too but I might do it though because I need to a put an end to this Titanic story. I have nothing to hide from you, boy, you now notice when I'm shredding or feeling bad which is enough for me, you're a true friend. 

Thanks for everything, I love you.

Lana

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Roses

Hi there! It's been forever, I know. I don't even have a good excuse, but here we go.

Credit: mommyish.com

Have you listened to the song Roses by the Chainsmokers featuring Rozes? You might not be a fan, I get it, especially you're an 80's kid. But bear with me.

Here are the lyrics:

Taking it slow, but it's not typical
He already knows that my love is fire
His heart was a stone, but then his hands roamed
I turned him to gold and it took him higher

Well, I'll be your daydream, I'll be your favorite things
We could be beautiful
Get drunk on the good life, I'll take you to paradise
Say you'll never let me go

Deep in my bones, I can feel you
Take me back to a time only we knew
Hideaway
We could waste the night with an old film
Smoke a little weed on the couch in the back room
Hideaway
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

Deep in my bones, I can feel you
Take me back to a time only we knew
Hideaway
We could waste the night with an old film
Smoke a little weed on the couch in the back room
Hideaway
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

As you can see, it's  romantic song. It has "weed" but I swear to God I don't smoke, dad. I didn't like the song at first. But then when we went to see a French movie (Jour J) they played it at a part I considered deep. 

Well, it's a comedy movie, and I doubt anyone else but me cared for the small details, but there were parts where the protagonist was remembering her childhood and how current acquaintances have bullied her at school and how much she was a loser back then. The most important part of these flashbacks or conversations with her younger self was that before meeting the bullies, she held her younger self's hand and walked to them in full confidence. Roses was playing during this part. 

Say you'll never let me go

That made me think. About the past. About how much I need to communicate with my inner child and younger self (two different things, really). That I need to listen to the younger Samaa, realize some major achievements in my life for her and venge for her.

I think we all forget to remember about who we used to be when we didn't think too much. When we were innocent. When money wasn't important and when the world seemed pure and innocent with challenges as basic as convincing your parents to not to go to school or copying a homework from your friend without the teacher noticing.

Deep in my bones, I can feel you

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Clumsy.

I didn't choose the clumsy life, the clumsy life chose me.

Embracing the clumsy.

I admit I'm clumsy and apparently there's nothing to do about it. I'm not saying I googled "how to un-be clumsy", but I guess there's actually nothing to do about it. 

Okay, so I've just googled it. The steps include "Reduce anxiety" so, no, there's no "cure".

So how's the clumsy life actually? Spoiler: it's hard!

I trip all the time. Rugs, shoe laces, you name it. 

I bump my knees and elbows everywhere everyday. If my knees and elbows sued me, I wouldn't be surprised. All of this results in, of course, bruises and cuts. Not very pretty.

Cutting and burning myself while cooking is also very common. And with my sensitive skin, it gets even more dramatic, you don't want to know. This is why I own a lot of band-aid and I have to have some in my wallet all the time. I hate leaving my cuts exposed, because, again, sensitive skin. Sometimes I even find mysterious cuts and bruises and can't wrap my mind around how and when I got them.

Having coffee while walking isn't for me, I should be legally banned. Because every time I spill it. Every single time. Whether on myself or (hopefully) on the floor. And if the coffee's still hot, some burns happen. Great...! I have a jacket that was ruined because of a mocca stain that surprisingly got too "attached" to it and refused to leave even after many washes. 

During my lifetime, I fell off chairs stairs, I tripped over staircases. I've accidentally hit hundreds of people in the streets, metro station and simply everywhere. Sometimes I get tired of apologizing and I pretend nothing happened.  

This is pretty much how being clumsy feels like, in addition to the laughter of the audience. Delightful. 

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Dear Roommate.

Dear roommate,

We've spent some time together, long enough to share many happy and sad moments, long enough to share stories, food and experiences and long enough to peel some layers from each one of us.

After all this time of sharing more than an apartment, it feels really hard to say goodbye. So many memories in a short time, so many inside jokes. Sometimes when we were talking I'd tell you "one sec" to text, remember? Well, I wasn't necessarily texting, I was most probably writing down what I'm grateful for and what I want to apologize for. I'm not very good at expressing myself at these kind of situations so here you go.

I want to thank you for taking care of me. You were there for me when I was down and had no-one else. Thank you for asking me if I took my pills and ate when I was sick in bed all day. Thank you for going to the pharmacy in the early morning to get me medicine because it was too cold. You know you're my hero because you filled the hot-water bottle all the times I was in pain and couldn't leave the bed. Many, many times.

Thank you for yelling at me for not drinking milk and telling me I don't consume enough calcium.

Thank you for telling me I'm hot and all those good stuff when I ask you how I looked. And all the good vibes that made me feel so much better about myself. You were the one to encourage me to try a red nail polish and different clothes from my usual style. And you were actually right, I try many new things in life, but I didn't dare to wear red nail polish or a dark green sweater (I hate green, but yeah). Such a wonderful shopping partner! Even though, you take too long to shop yourself, but I survived!!

Thanks for letting me introduce you to new things: Indian food, weird French stuff and normal things you've never tried. Thanks for watching my favorite show with me.Thank you for all the times you were with me (even when you were tired) because I didn't want to be alone: seeing a doctor and grocery shopping...

Thank your for accepting my differences and not judging me. Including accepting my weird sleepwear and never making me feel awkward about it. "Freedom of clothing" as you call it. 

A huge thank you for tolerating my mood swings. And the dirty dishes I leave (Thanks for doing them when I left them before going to Germany because I was in a rush!). And the occasional drama and anxiety as well. And letting me apply the extra lotion on your hands because I still can't figure out how much I need. You have to admit your skin got better, though. Kidding.

Thank you for silly dancing with me in the morning while making coffee. Those little things meant a lot to me. All the loud, loud laughs. You're such a hilarious person who turns everything into a comedy show and I'll miss that. And DO NOT CHANGE.

And remember all the times you spent "bonding" with Ariel? Yeah that was fun!

And I must apologize for a bunch of stuff as well.

I'm so sorry for accidentally waking you up in the middle of the night because I dropped something. Many times. Sorry. And thank God you're a heavy sleeper who could sleep with the lights and music on so I didn't have to compromise when it comes to sleeping times.

I'm sorry I was picky, grumpy, moody and too honest. I'm working on the first three but I'll keep my honesty. I'm sorry I wasn't always free to hangout.

I'm sorry I always told you to lower your voice when you were on the phone, but girl, you are loud! Even louder than me, which is weird cause I'm always the loudest. Sorry for singing, I know my voice is annoying. And sorry for telling you all the time to turn off the damn bathroom light, but you know how important it is to save resources. "My dad doesn't work at STEG (electricity firm, an inside joke)!!".

I'm sorry I didn't like your music and pretty much forced mine. I'm happy you liked mine so you weren't completely forced to listen, were you? Also, so sorry I couldn't multi-task most of the time and you had to wait for me to finish something so you could talk to me! I only have one brain-processor like you said.

My sincere apologies for cooking salmon all the time when you hate its smell. You know I've always tried my best to make it quick and then get rid of the smell. It always took some time. Sorry.

You remember that day there was a huge insect? Well, I'm sorry I terrified you and you know quite well I didn't know back then about your phobia. I'm sorry I told you to deal with it at first before realizing you couldn't. I must admit I was afraid myself but I took one for the team.

I'm fashionably late and I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for me to get ready to go out. Also, so sorry for the last-minute showers which of course made you wait more. 

Last but not least, I'm sorry I've corrected your grammar mistakes an endless amount of times. You know pretty well I can't help it. Also sorry for popping my neck even though it's annoying and "dangerous".

I'll never forget the day I was devastated (and eventually in pain) and you calmed me down and brought my hot-water bottle and we lied watching a comedy show. I'll never forget the loud laughs in the middle of the zebra-crossing. I'll never forget all the times you were acting so silly I had to film.

Take care of yourself, eat some veggies and please keep on drinking enough water. You promised you'd visit and I did too.

Hugs and kisses,

Your annoying little sister.

PS: Please stop buying bread when you already have at home, we could've opened a bakery shop, girl!

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I Kept their Gifts

An extract from my diaries.

2014.

29/05/2015

I kicked them out of my life. But I kept their gifts anyway…

Is it because I like the gifts and can't stand the idea of throwing them? Or because I want to keep reminding myself that they once meant the world to me however they left? Probably number 2… I usually do this. I hate deleting photos, messages or anything that reminds me of old friends. I want to keep in mind that everybody will eventually leave me so that I won't be surprised or shocked.

Don't get me wrong, I love my current friends to the moon and back, but I expect them to step out of my life one day. I wish it never happens, cause they seem different this time.

Their friendship is different. The Notions' bond is completely different from any bonds I've made my whole life. It'd kill me to leave them for good one day cause it'll be so hard to replace them, nearly impossible. Where can I find a bunch of cool weirdos who love me for who I am? Who love the way I act, my hyperactivity, my clumsiness and my dirty mind?

In all the communities I've been it wasn't immediate to fit in, unlike Notions. They took care of me, helped me improving in all the aspects and they never stopped believing in me nor making me laugh. They're irreplaceable, unforgettable and amazing people.

I hope they feel the same way towards me. I hope they think that they cannot find another Samaa who's hyperactive and clumsy but can work hard to get what she wants, never loses faith and loves to help people out.

The memories I made with them shall stick to my head cause it's so hard to repeat them with someone else…

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Paradox.

I'm a paradox. In fact, I'm a mixture of many paradoxes.

Me posing while fake-smoking even though I hate cigarettes and hookahs..

If you open my closet and look closely, you'll find my clothes hanging sorted by colour. Everything in my apartment has its own place and I get irritated if someone changes anything.

But my desk is a mess, all the time.

I clean all the time. The floor, the tables and the bathroom.

But I hate doing the dishes and I leave them for a while.

I love people and socializing in general. Gatherings and outings cheer me up.

But I hurt people with my words. Whether consciously or not.

All my meetings and tasks are documented in my calendar. Several reminders are set.

But I'm always late and I submit after the deadlines.

I'd travel an hour and a half to buy a mirror for half its price and I'd save as little as 40 cents while grocery shopping.

But I spend too much on clothes.

Having a career is one of my long-term goals and I'm working on it.

But I want to take a break from everything and travel the world.

I'm trying to be as healthy as I can. I cook balanced meals and exercise as much as possible.

But I don't take my meds.

I'm a human.

That's how we are.


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I Woke Up Today

An extract from my diaries.

03/05/2017

Credit: Pinterest

I woke up today, early as usual. I was feeling terrible. Physically sad. Not only because of college's stress and the general homesickness, but there was also an extra reason this morning.

I was feeling terrible because of a friend, a friend whom I thought understood me, told me last night to stop talking and thinking about death and suicide. Stop thinking. As if we could control our thoughts. I heard the brilliant suggestion as "I'm sick of you repeating yourself everyday" and "Stop being dramatic". Even though they apologized and claimed using the wrong words out of fear of losing me, I can't help but still be hurt. I do appreciate how they tried to make it up for me, I'm not heartless nor stupid. But things will never be the same between us.

I might seem dramatic, but to be disappointed by a friend and supporter hurts. It hurts to remember what you shared with them that, apparently, has no value. No impact. It hurts that despite telling them what you're going through, they still fail to understand, even though they empathised with you when you shared what you now regret sharing.

It must be hard to be friends with me, since I write down everything and (you'd even say) exaggerate.
But this has become a sort of therapy to me.

I'm better now, I promise. Read a cheerful article here!

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