Confession to a Pure Soul

An anonymous contribution.

credit: naukrinama.com

Dear Adam,

I know I'll never send you these emails, but I feel much better after writing down my feelings. Or maybe I will send them, we'll see.

I finally made it through the past few days. I thought I wouldn't. 

The emails were a big part of my survival along, with the aid of spending some time talking to the sea, imaging the waves taking my feelings away then giving them back to me. 

Mainly what helped me was a pure confession to a pure soul. You, you're the pure soul. I've summarised all what I've felt for you the last period in a few lines. I realised that shouting my feelings out loud to myself would definitely help me battle my scars and wounds. 

I wasn't wrong when I loved you and I will never regret it; I figured out that I chose the right soul and the right mind but only at the wrong place and the wrong time.

I'm the closest friend you've ever got in this city now, I suppose. I knew that the feeling was not mutual a while before I made my confession, as it was obvious. 

And even after my confession it was still obvious. At first, I was a bit hurt trying to accept my situation of wrong placement and timing but then I realised, after our last conversation, that as long as you're happy, I'll be the happiest person on earth and will stand for any pain that crosses my heart.

We had a deep emotional conversation, remember?

I could notice that I understood every word you said before you even explained it, every tear you shed and every late reply you texted, which stabilised my only true feelings and our connection. You've mentioned a major part of your old life, Sarah. (I know you can't stand seeing or hearing her name but,..) It had me swimming in a pool of tears falling like waterfalls. I rarely cry because of words written on a screen, but your words had the passion and were influential and that's why I was honestly affected by every word you typed.

You were obviously devastated after losing your mother. And, of course during her illness and operations and ER.. It was too much for you, and I know this without even living through it with you or listening to the detailed stories. But Sarah, not only didn't understand, but she even made your pain worse when she left because she couldn't handle the "depression". Words fail me here to describe the situation. 

I could feel you, or at least I try, and walk in your shoes. I'm so sympathetic every time I try to imagine your situation. I didn't know how to help you, so all I could do was share my own hard moments. The worst I've faced was explaining to you that what happened to you was not the end of the world. You still have more than twice your age to live. 

You couldn't forget Sarah because everything reminded you of her. I never asked you to forget her as this will also crop the good memories from the view, but smiling is the key of facing loss and missings. "Whatever is that you've lost don't stop and keep smiling. Smile, smile and smile." 

So that if you remembered her, you would smile rather than cry over the night. At that point, I also knew that my confession to you was more of pain to you than me. At least I was relieved. But for you, you were in more pain to deal with. 

I am sorry for you. For all the loses and confusions.

Although It was great, the most irritating of that conversation is that I love you now more. Earlier, you asked me to try to be your friend for a month and I'm trying. But I think ..., no I'm actually sure that the 30-day trial will be a failure because unfortunately every day that passes I'm more into you. 

I believe I can stand the jealousy now, get over it and focus on your happiness which is my happiness too and stop being selfish. For the first time in my life I felt love and for the first time in my life I had a boy friend that close, I don't know if this is a good thing or not because I might have already decided to study abroad and that means being away from you. I hate goodbyes as much as I hate Donald Trump.

I can't see you far, I need you and you need me (as far as I believe). I don't want to make the same mistake she made, I don't want to leave you alone here in Egypt and suffer. 

I didn't know that some day would come when I'd think of cancelling my whole travelling just for someone whoever it was. I didn't say I will but at least I've thought of it and that's enough. 

I learned the existence of some feelings that I wasn't aware of. I was so afraid to face myself but I think I already did now. That is enough for now I think. I don't know if I would ever show him these words right here in this note too but I might do it though because I need to a put an end to this Titanic story. I have nothing to hide from you, boy, you now notice when I'm shredding or feeling bad which is enough for me, you're a true friend. 

Thanks for everything, I love you.

Lana

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