17 Years Ago

Seventeen years (and two days) ago, you came to this world and into my then-empty life. At first it was hard to comprehend the idea of being the older sister. Or even a sister. I was only four, in my defence!

Year 2000.

After years of fighting over stickers and who gets to ride shotgun, I realized the responsibility and the huge blessing I was given. I mean we definitely still fight over who rides shotgun, but we're mature now, aren't we? 

I can't thank you enough for having you by my side during all the turning points in my life. Even though you're the younger but you know you're the wiser one (sometimes, like some times). You're the one who gave me the final push to apply for college in France. And without you I would've regretted my stupid reckless decisions.

Do you remember those Barbie sticker booklets I loved more than anything? What about the Fulla walkie-talkies we had and used in the grocery store pretending to be spies? And when we skated while playing with mini cars just like that anime about miniature car racing. The summers spent in Kuwait mainly shopping and watching TV cause it's too damn hot. And the friends we made there.

Everyone who meets us asks "How are you even sisters?" and we give each other that look. I mean we can't blame them, we're too different, almost opposites. Speaking of looks, our level of communication through looks only is too damn advanced for this world. It only takes us few blinks and eyebrows gestures to communicate a whole story, it's insane!

No matter how much we text and video-call, I know that distance is still keeping me away from being by your side in your own turning points and it saddens me. I'm trying my best to be a part of your journey and I promise I'll always do. I know you can do it, I know that if you want something so much you'll work hard for it. I love you and believe in you. Till we meet again. Or call. Whatever.

Year 2017.

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Being the older sister

Only fellow older sisters know exactly what I'm talking about.

- I'm the older brother but I still don't do this...?? I don't even care some times. You're overreacting. 

- Well yeah, dude, because it's completely different. 

- How? 

- It's just...different, trust me. I won't be able to explain. But I'll try:

Being the older sister is a mixture of a mother and a friend. Which means being strict but also fond as well as a chatterbox.

Sometimes I'm too protective of my sister it annoys her. I must admit that I could go too far but I can't help it. Instinct. Too many questions and constant calls. (sometimes she does the same, to be completely honest, but still.)

I mean when she goes out or goes on a trip with her friends, I ask her who's she going with, ask for constant photos and get so frustrated when she doesn't pick up. Unlike a mother, I might ask some silly questions like how was the concert exactly and how was the food at that new restaurant. "What was she wearing? You said black and brown?!"

And of course, comes the part where I'm a referee. Convincing my parents of her point of view but also telling her to quit the attitude. It's so exhausting. Because both of the sides are mad at me and afterwards each complains to me! I stand there like: "You're right about blah blah but she's also right about the other blah blah". I can never win..

Being the older sister means I'm too modern for my mother but too old for my sister. Basically being teased by both somehow. When it comes to music for instance, I have no idea what both of them listen to. "You don't know THAT song?!? Ugh you're so old/young". I. Can. Never. Win.

The best part about being an older sister is that she's so proud of me and her friends are always excited to meet me. Sometimes they make me feel like a celebrity, I swear. "She talks about you all the time!! Did you really do such and such??"

Unlike the majority of girls, Salma didn't copy me when we were little. She's always been unique and smart. Since a very young age she was confident and brave enough to tell me I was wrong about some info or concepts. I find it so cute that a girl considers her older sister an idol, though.

Sometimes, she takes the lead and calls herself the older one. Ha ha [eye roll] . But I must admit she's way better than me when it comes to money and saving and being a rebel.

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Is it worth it..?

Edited anonymous contribution.

There was a time in my life where everything was falling apart. And when I say everything, I mean it.

My sorrows physically hurt me, they felt like knives repetitively stabbing my back. Imagine walking down the street to a college you hate and suddenly feeling this pain and not being able to stop to cry for help or even express your agony.

I didn't go every day to college. I skipped all the lectures, actually. Attended very few classes and almost never showed up for a quiz. I went to tests to fail embarrassingly. This lifestyle drained the life out of me. Going there, feeling like I don't belong there, wishing I was somewhere else. Going there, feeling stupid and humiliating myself in front of the professors, the whole class/ hall  and,  most importantly,  myself. Not going, feeling guilty for wasting my life, money and chances. 

I questioned the field I was studying infinite times. I even questioned if uni was for me. I couldn't focus on studying and kept daydreaming and regretting everything.

There was even a period where I judged and punished myself for every single sin and mistake I've ever committed. No matter how ridiculous it was or how old it is. No matter how many times I've already asked for forgiveness.

Questions like "What do you wanna do later in life?" were too heavy to answer. Apparently "I don't know." wasn't the answer people expected or even tolerated.

It wasn't only college and old sins, but it was also my family who should've been my backbone and support system but they disappointingly weren't. Too many mean comments that contributed some more stabbing. "You're such a disappointment.", "You don't deserve the money we've spent on you." and my personal favorite: "How dare you ask for anything while you're such a failure?!" Having meals with them was moral torture. And when I refused to sit down for a meal with them I was called ungrateful and selfish..

Taking care of myself was so hard. Even the basic hygiene was a luxury to me. I felt overwhelmed to do anything even though I practically did nothing. I know it's gross, but you have no idea how hard it was to be alone in the shower having to clean yourself and fighting the urge to cry out loud. It's a lot of work. When I showered I took so long, just to stand there judging myself, very, very severely.

I went to college, met up with friends and visited relatives looking like trash. No make-up on and barely even putting any effort. I wore the same few outfits over and over again.

Even eating was a hefty task some days. Which is such a surprise for a food lover like myself. I could go without eating for a whole day and then realize that I'm feeling dizzy and end up eating junk food. It filled the void a little. Some other days I'd eat a lot of chocolate cake to "feel better". Needless to say I gained a lot of weight which made my life more dreadful, of course. My parents didn't notice all of the irregular eating patterns but noticed the weight gain part, ironic. More harsh comments. 

The voices in my head kept reminding me that I don't deserve to live. The voices in my head recited my parents' words. I listened to them and decided to take my own life. I wrote a suicide note which is what you're reading now.. Just messing with you. I wrote a suicide note but I've never finished it.

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Men are Still Trash..?

Apparently "men" didn't appreciate being called trash in the very title of the previous article. Because it's generalizing. How awful!

But do you know what I don't appreciate either?

Being catcalled on a daily basis in Egypt. And what's even worse, being taught to just walk past them. "Don't reply".

Being looked at by bored men sitting on the streets or the coffee shops. Their eyes follow me as I walk, I can feel them. It's scary, especially at night.

Watching beloved friends live after a trauma such as sexual harassment. Their families asking them "to just move on" and telling them "it's okay as long as you're still a virgin."

Feeling helpless when my friend tells me her father refuses to finance her studies. Just because. Another one with a father who gives her less money than she needs because money is more important than her. He told her that. And I always feel angry. Angry and helpless.

I feel disgusted seeing pedophiles living their lives normally, around me. Being accepted by their community. Granted a happy comfortable life. I just want to punch them in the face then lock them up.

Men leaving their kids behind and not bothering to ask about them, needless to say they don't even fund them. Fathers who have no idea how their children are doing, how old are they. In such situations, I find it really hard to advise my friends to contact the "father". It's insensitive and not logical. How could a child care for a parent who threw them away? A parent who never took a part in their life. And probably left them to suffer financially. How?

How about a boy promising his girlfriend to get married one day, just to get into her pants? And then leaving her? And when she suspected being pregnant he came back to her, with all the fake care and kindness, how about that? It pisses you off, doesn't it?

I believe the main reason why this is still happening is because men used to be the ones with the money and power back in the days and they haven't evolved much since. I mean, women evolved, they go to college now and work. On the other hand, there are men who still think that women belong to the kitchen, etc etc.

This won't stop unless we start taking serious actions, like representing empowering women in the media and ending all the old-fashioned content. Ads are still marketing cleaning products to women only, with lines like "you won't get married if you don't know how to clean"!! (at least in the Arab World)

I believe that it'll change. One day. Because, not long ago, girls were deprived from education. Then, they were allowed to go to school but chores and raising kids were still their main job.

PS: "men are trash" is just an expression that has a long explanation behind it. It's not generalizing all men, like I said before.

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Men are Trash

Before you start typing "not all men", please, read the whole article.

Are you following up on this trend on Twitter called "men are trash"? It's not just women complaining  about men, it's men being called out for their sexist crimes and how they get out away with them... Long threads were written to explain the actual purpose of this expression after women were attacked.

And before you say "But women are never called trash as well, this is sexist." Let me just tell you that, there's a whole vocabulary used against women, besides, of course, the actual serious sexism and harassment and abuse and murders..

Words like "slut" and its synonyms belong to this vocab. I could list all of them, but they're too disgusting.

But really, why are men called trash? Are ALL men trash? What's the deal?

If you're loyal and respectful to women, you're not trash. If you actually care about your female partner emotionally before sexually, you are not trash, my friend. If you're a decent gentleman who knows his lady's worth you certainly aren't trash. You're not trash if you believe that your partner is an independent person who's mature enough to make her own decisions and knows what's best for her.

But if you cheat and lie and only see women as objects and possessions, then you are. If you control your significant other, telling her what to wear and who to talk to, you're trash. If you forbid her from working and going out (which is basically locking her up), what the hell are you doing, trash can? If you insult your woman, yell at her and basically use her as a punchbag, "because you have 'problems at work' ", you're emotionally abusing her, thus you're on the list too. If you harass and catcall women on the streets, you're the trashiest of them all. It's as simple as that. 

People usually forget that trashy men are not only lovers and husbands, they could be fathers, brothers or relatives generally.  If you treat your son better than your daughter, giving him more freedom and options, you are trash. If you spy on your daughter or sister "because you're protecting her", whether you read her texts or follow her everywhere, you're trash. If you punish her by depriving her from basic human rights such as going out or even food and money, surprise surprise, you're trash. If you lay hands on her, YOU ARE TRASH. If you debase her for money, you are just...!!

The list goes on and on and I have so many real examples, but I think you get the idea so far.

So please, nice guys, stop the "not all men" and "stop generalizing" ranting because all what I listed was common sense. And let me tell you a secret, if you're actually a good guy, you shouldn't feel the need to defend yourself [wink wink]. And don't worry about the rest of the trashy men, they have tongues and fingers and they can talk and type for themselves.

And I wish all the trashy guys a very sad life unless they stop "trashing".

Final note: I'm not a feminist because I use the "men are trash" expression and keep hating on men all the time. That's not feminism. Feminism is respecting the opposite gender and aiming for equality. I'm doing this, yet..

Click here for the second part!

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Summer 2017: Part 1, Switzerland

Summer is my favourite vacation season and mid-July, I went to Lausanne. As usual, it was kind of a last-minute low-budget trip! I’m a very good planner, I swear, but I’m just last-minute.

There are two reasons why I chose Switzerland over the other European countries, a) it’s the closest one and the trip (AKA by bus, of course) is very cheap and b) because of the NATURE which mainly includes the lake. I felt like the nature was hugging my soul during this trip.

Well, if you know me well, I hate the sea because it’s salty. I mean I go there anyway, but I hate it. And the pool is usually great, yeah. But the lake is just something else. My first lake experience was two years ago in Alpena, Michigan, the States. I fell in love with the lake back then; it was like the combination of lazy waves and sweet water. It was the best swimming experience in my life.

So Lausanne.

Super tired
 after a long hour of
carrying the two bags
and lack of sleep.

I arrived early in the morning and since I had no idea how and from where to take the bus, I went to the hostel on foot. With my two heavy bags and my awesome back injury. It was nice to explore a bit the city even though I was exhausted from the 7-hour bus ride. Thank God it wasn’t too hot or else I would’ve melted. The walk was full of slopes and it was so weird yet cute to see people normally climb them. Like if it’s the norm to have so many slopes in town. Or maybe it’s just me who finds the idea weird, I don’t know, what do you think?

After an hour of walking, I made it to the hostel one piece. Then I kept my luggage in their locker room and went for another walk till it was time for checking-in. I explored the area a little then sat on a bench facing the Alpes from afar and a very beautiful cemetery. 

After checking-in and organizing my clothes and food (yes, I bought food from Paris: ready meals and tuna cans), I went for a walk by the lake with an ADEEF colleague who moved there. We had some waffles as well. The walk by the lake was splendid. I could see the Alpes at all times. So beautiful. It rained a little but it was still wonderful.


Day 2

Most important meal of the day.

I had breakfast in the hostel. The best part was tasting the Swiss cheese and drinking latté macchiato (which isn't available in Paris because they don't believe in mixing coffee and cocoa for some reason). 

Then I went swimming in the lake. The water was a bit cold compared to the outside temperature but it was still a delight. I had lunch by the lake: tuna, bread and an apple. After spending some time admiring the lake, trees, mountains and sky, I went back to the hostel to change and bring a smaller bag. Then I walked in a park a little then sat on a bench for a while to admire the breathtaking scenery once again. I couldn't get enough of it, to be honest. For some reason I was too tired and I napped on the bench. 

Clouds,  mountains, rocks, trees, geese and a lake..

Day 3

After breakfast, I went for a run by the lake and in the park as well. I got lost a couple of times in a mansions' neighbourhood and a place with actual fields that seemed to have corn crops. I don't know, I'm not an agriculture expert.

In the park.

I then met up with my ADEEF colleague at EPFL. EPFL is one of the top universities in Europe and it was an honor to have a tour there. The architecture was insanely impressive. We then went to the city centre and walked a bit. The stores in Lausanne close at 7 pm! I saw the Cathedral as well and the city from above. 

Day 4 and last one

The checking out at the hostel was by 11 am maximum, so I had to have breakfast and re-pack then put my backpacks in the lockers. Of course I finished all of this last-minute. But to my defense, I had a very long talk with an old Swiss lady at breakfast and that was why. 

Anyway, so after checking out I went to the lake again. Afterwards I went back to the hostel to shower and change, feeling like a gangster for still using the facilities even after checking out. 

After getting ready, I went to explore some more with a new friend. It was very nice of her to show me around so many things in such a little time.

My ADEEF friend insisted on taking me from the hostel to the bus station, which was a sweet gesture even though I can always handle the transportation and luggage. When I went to buy some food from a gas station, we had a very long conversation with an Egyptian Swiss man. He was so friendly and I learned a lot from him about the almost-perfect Swiss life. We then ran so I could catch the bus because I was so close to missing it even though we arrived early. Typical me.

To be continued..


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Confessions: Part 2.

Still real confessions, from real people. 

Read the first part here.

Special thanks to Nada for the effort!

"I have no secrets because I'm reconciled with everyone; I hide nothing."

"I’ve always hated my body. Never satisfied with it." –A.M

"I chose a concert over my friends and family." 

"I’m bisexual and I haven’t told anyone yet because no-one would understand."

"I'm paranoid about everything but I still go beyond my limits. I have no idea how I do it."

"I feel guilty when asking about people who don't care much and never ask while I don't ask about people who actually care." – Mayar

"I hate family gatherings."

"90% of my current morals and beliefs are what I taught myself rather than what my parents taught me."

"A handful of my friends are suicidal. Some of them even have had several attempts as well. It's terrible how helpless I feel, even though I perfectly understand what they're going through. I wish I could help."

"People always say that my IQ is zero, I know they don't mean to insult me but I'm tired of this.." -Dalia

" I have commitment issues mainly because I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes as my parents."

"It took me at least 20 years to start loving myself."

"I won't describe how much I love her, but many times there's a gap between us and I want to fill it. I wish she gives me half the attention and care I give her.."

"When I was young I believed men shouldn't do chores and cook. It's crazy how the internet destroyed my previous beliefs and ideas that were based on what I've watched my family do."

"I have some psychological issues. The problem is I know them and I know how to get rid of them but I can't. Maybe I'll have schizophrenia one day. Or maybe I have it, I don't know."

"I was there for them whenever they needed me. When I needed them, no-one was there for me. I save them but no-one saves me. But I love them so much even if they don't help me. Sometimes they let me down, also. I don't tell them anything anymore cause they don't care."

"I love my sister so much and I hope she forgives me for the physical abuse I did to her in the past. I had my own abuse issues back then."

"When I was a kid I stole a pack of chips from the supermarket." – Fat Kid

"Even when I seem like I don't want attention, I probably do. I hate being alone" –Dalia

"I used to eat my little sister’s food because my mother insisted she 'd finish her plate and she couldn't. My mom still has no clue." –Fat Kid

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Confessions: Part 1.

Real confessions, from real people.

Special thanks to Nada for the effort.

"My life’s so boring I have to make up stories. I feel guilty for all the lies, though." - Adam 

"We made a mistake together, we’re all responsible so you can’t just erase your part and blackmail me. Betrayal. I should’ve expected nothing less from you. " - Sally

"It seems that you’re still a compulsive liar." –Mariam 

"I used to secretly reduce the heater’s temperature when my roommate was sleeping because I couldn’t handle it." – Hot Mess

"I've visited a psychiatrist for two and a half years. I go in first then I leave and my parents go in and talk. I’ve never known what they’ve been telling him even though I constantly ask." - M.F

"I miss our late night talks, the all-day-everyday texts, knowing every single detail about you and what's going on with you. I miss having your back and you having mine. Now after all what happened and all that time I miss you, I really do." –N.M 

"My aunt and mother enjoy making fun of me and it’s always hurt me. They’d never care anyway." –Sally

"I hate texting"

"I opened my boyfriend’s messenger behind his back." –S. G

"He told me that every time he got over me, I popped out of nowhere. He never lied."

"I feel like my illness’ purpose is to erase my sins." – N.N

"I regret losing my virginity to him but I don't regret having my first kiss with him."

"Distance was never a real issue but only an excuse." 

"Rainbow, I still wish we were together."

If you have a confession, you can submit it (anonymously) here or... just text me.

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Confession to a Pure Soul

An anonymous contribution.

credit: naukrinama.com

Dear Adam,

I know I'll never send you these emails, but I feel much better after writing down my feelings. Or maybe I will send them, we'll see.

I finally made it through the past few days. I thought I wouldn't. 

The emails were a big part of my survival along, with the aid of spending some time talking to the sea, imaging the waves taking my feelings away then giving them back to me. 

Mainly what helped me was a pure confession to a pure soul. You, you're the pure soul. I've summarised all what I've felt for you the last period in a few lines. I realised that shouting my feelings out loud to myself would definitely help me battle my scars and wounds. 

I wasn't wrong when I loved you and I will never regret it; I figured out that I chose the right soul and the right mind but only at the wrong place and the wrong time.

I'm the closest friend you've ever got in this city now, I suppose. I knew that the feeling was not mutual a while before I made my confession, as it was obvious. 

And even after my confession it was still obvious. At first, I was a bit hurt trying to accept my situation of wrong placement and timing but then I realised, after our last conversation, that as long as you're happy, I'll be the happiest person on earth and will stand for any pain that crosses my heart.

We had a deep emotional conversation, remember?

I could notice that I understood every word you said before you even explained it, every tear you shed and every late reply you texted, which stabilised my only true feelings and our connection. You've mentioned a major part of your old life, Sarah. (I know you can't stand seeing or hearing her name but,..) It had me swimming in a pool of tears falling like waterfalls. I rarely cry because of words written on a screen, but your words had the passion and were influential and that's why I was honestly affected by every word you typed.

You were obviously devastated after losing your mother. And, of course during her illness and operations and ER.. It was too much for you, and I know this without even living through it with you or listening to the detailed stories. But Sarah, not only didn't understand, but she even made your pain worse when she left because she couldn't handle the "depression". Words fail me here to describe the situation. 

I could feel you, or at least I try, and walk in your shoes. I'm so sympathetic every time I try to imagine your situation. I didn't know how to help you, so all I could do was share my own hard moments. The worst I've faced was explaining to you that what happened to you was not the end of the world. You still have more than twice your age to live. 

You couldn't forget Sarah because everything reminded you of her. I never asked you to forget her as this will also crop the good memories from the view, but smiling is the key of facing loss and missings. "Whatever is that you've lost don't stop and keep smiling. Smile, smile and smile." 

So that if you remembered her, you would smile rather than cry over the night. At that point, I also knew that my confession to you was more of pain to you than me. At least I was relieved. But for you, you were in more pain to deal with. 

I am sorry for you. For all the loses and confusions.

Although It was great, the most irritating of that conversation is that I love you now more. Earlier, you asked me to try to be your friend for a month and I'm trying. But I think ..., no I'm actually sure that the 30-day trial will be a failure because unfortunately every day that passes I'm more into you. 

I believe I can stand the jealousy now, get over it and focus on your happiness which is my happiness too and stop being selfish. For the first time in my life I felt love and for the first time in my life I had a boy friend that close, I don't know if this is a good thing or not because I might have already decided to study abroad and that means being away from you. I hate goodbyes as much as I hate Donald Trump.

I can't see you far, I need you and you need me (as far as I believe). I don't want to make the same mistake she made, I don't want to leave you alone here in Egypt and suffer. 

I didn't know that some day would come when I'd think of cancelling my whole travelling just for someone whoever it was. I didn't say I will but at least I've thought of it and that's enough. 

I learned the existence of some feelings that I wasn't aware of. I was so afraid to face myself but I think I already did now. That is enough for now I think. I don't know if I would ever show him these words right here in this note too but I might do it though because I need to a put an end to this Titanic story. I have nothing to hide from you, boy, you now notice when I'm shredding or feeling bad which is enough for me, you're a true friend. 

Thanks for everything, I love you.

Lana

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Roses

Hi there! It's been forever, I know. I don't even have a good excuse, but here we go.

Credit: mommyish.com

Have you listened to the song Roses by the Chainsmokers featuring Rozes? You might not be a fan, I get it, especially you're an 80's kid. But bear with me.

Here are the lyrics:

Taking it slow, but it's not typical
He already knows that my love is fire
His heart was a stone, but then his hands roamed
I turned him to gold and it took him higher

Well, I'll be your daydream, I'll be your favorite things
We could be beautiful
Get drunk on the good life, I'll take you to paradise
Say you'll never let me go

Deep in my bones, I can feel you
Take me back to a time only we knew
Hideaway
We could waste the night with an old film
Smoke a little weed on the couch in the back room
Hideaway
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

Deep in my bones, I can feel you
Take me back to a time only we knew
Hideaway
We could waste the night with an old film
Smoke a little weed on the couch in the back room
Hideaway
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go
Say you'll never let me go

As you can see, it's  romantic song. It has "weed" but I swear to God I don't smoke, dad. I didn't like the song at first. But then when we went to see a French movie (Jour J) they played it at a part I considered deep. 

Well, it's a comedy movie, and I doubt anyone else but me cared for the small details, but there were parts where the protagonist was remembering her childhood and how current acquaintances have bullied her at school and how much she was a loser back then. The most important part of these flashbacks or conversations with her younger self was that before meeting the bullies, she held her younger self's hand and walked to them in full confidence. Roses was playing during this part. 

Say you'll never let me go

That made me think. About the past. About how much I need to communicate with my inner child and younger self (two different things, really). That I need to listen to the younger Samaa, realize some major achievements in my life for her and venge for her.

I think we all forget to remember about who we used to be when we didn't think too much. When we were innocent. When money wasn't important and when the world seemed pure and innocent with challenges as basic as convincing your parents to not to go to school or copying a homework from your friend without the teacher noticing.

Deep in my bones, I can feel you

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