Is it worth it..?

Edited anonymous contribution.

There was a time in my life where everything was falling apart. And when I say everything, I mean it.

My sorrows physically hurt me, they felt like knives repetitively stabbing my back. Imagine walking down the street to a college you hate and suddenly feeling this pain and not being able to stop to cry for help or even express your agony.

I didn't go every day to college. I skipped all the lectures, actually. Attended very few classes and almost never showed up for a quiz. I went to tests to fail embarrassingly. This lifestyle drained the life out of me. Going there, feeling like I don't belong there, wishing I was somewhere else. Going there, feeling stupid and humiliating myself in front of the professors, the whole class/ hall  and,  most importantly,  myself. Not going, feeling guilty for wasting my life, money and chances. 

I questioned the field I was studying infinite times. I even questioned if uni was for me. I couldn't focus on studying and kept daydreaming and regretting everything.

There was even a period where I judged and punished myself for every single sin and mistake I've ever committed. No matter how ridiculous it was or how old it is. No matter how many times I've already asked for forgiveness.

Questions like "What do you wanna do later in life?" were too heavy to answer. Apparently "I don't know." wasn't the answer people expected or even tolerated.

It wasn't only college and old sins, but it was also my family who should've been my backbone and support system but they disappointingly weren't. Too many mean comments that contributed some more stabbing. "You're such a disappointment.", "You don't deserve the money we've spent on you." and my personal favorite: "How dare you ask for anything while you're such a failure?!" Having meals with them was moral torture. And when I refused to sit down for a meal with them I was called ungrateful and selfish..

Taking care of myself was so hard. Even the basic hygiene was a luxury to me. I felt overwhelmed to do anything even though I practically did nothing. I know it's gross, but you have no idea how hard it was to be alone in the shower having to clean yourself and fighting the urge to cry out loud. It's a lot of work. When I showered I took so long, just to stand there judging myself, very, very severely.

I went to college, met up with friends and visited relatives looking like trash. No make-up on and barely even putting any effort. I wore the same few outfits over and over again.

Even eating was a hefty task some days. Which is such a surprise for a food lover like myself. I could go without eating for a whole day and then realize that I'm feeling dizzy and end up eating junk food. It filled the void a little. Some other days I'd eat a lot of chocolate cake to "feel better". Needless to say I gained a lot of weight which made my life more dreadful, of course. My parents didn't notice all of the irregular eating patterns but noticed the weight gain part, ironic. More harsh comments. 

The voices in my head kept reminding me that I don't deserve to live. The voices in my head recited my parents' words. I listened to them and decided to take my own life. I wrote a suicide note which is what you're reading now.. Just messing with you. I wrote a suicide note but I've never finished it.

If you related to this article somehow, give it a thumbs up and don't be so shy to leave a comment, I won't bite, I swear! 

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