Living with Chronic Illnesses

Hello! I hope you're well and staying home! Today I'm sharing a bit of a personal area of my life.

As a lot of my peers, I'm young but my body feels a lot older.

I'm 23 now,  but I have more health issues than my baby boomer* parents. Combined. No joke.

When I was in grade 10, so about 17 years old, I started having knee problems. Climbing stairs for me is such an exhausting mandatory activity. I have to lean on the handrail, and I climb it really slowly. I really have to get this checked. But to my defense, it runs in my paternal family and I know that it's not curable anyway. But, sure, I'll go check it.

Two years later, I was so angry at someone who was really provoking and annoying me. Few hours later, I had killing pain that I failed to identify, I was in so much agony. Next morning the pain was much worse, I was screaming. After running some tests, I found out that I have IBS. Which means, any time I'm stressed and/or angry, I have really bad pain. It's close to period pain, if I could compare to anything else. When I'm on my period, my colon pain gets sooooo much worse. Medications really do nothing, so I have to quit certain foods and keep my cool to contain my pain. This didn't work much, till I was recently diagnosed with lactose intolerance. Now, I can control my symptoms much more and my life became easier, thank God.

When I was in high school, too, because apparently all my issues started then, I was working out in the gym, when suddenly my back cracked in a wrong way. Since then it started hurting. I went to several doctors in vain. And my condition got worse gradually. I recently visited a doctor and was diagnosed with mild Scoliosis (curvature of the spine). My treatment plan is really complicated since I spend at least two months in Egypt each year. But I'll figure it out.

I currently have what I hope to be a temporary problem: tendon inflammation in my right wrist that shoots up to my whole arm, shoulder and neck. So obviously I can't use my right arm. So much fun! I tried a treatment that didn't work out and I was originally waiting to go back to Egypt to continue my treatment, but now I'm waiting for the pandemic to end haha.

Living with chronic pain all the time made me used to it for sure. Some days are worse than the others, of course. Some days I can't function at all. But what I really want people to understand is: living with chronic pain is living with of 40% of pain capacity (for example). So if I have a headache, it's not just a headache, it's a headache on top of other old issues. Which means I'm at 60% of pain capacity (for example). 

* Baby boomer: is a term used to refer to people born between 1946 and 1964. (my mom was born a few years after, but being a boomer is a lifestyle and mentality more than anything)

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Lockdown.

23/03/2020

I can't believe I'm writing this, I can't believe this is actually happening. This all feels like a horror movie. Or science-fiction. The coronavirus outbreak is really scary, the statistics are scary, the uncertainties we live on a daily basis are scary.  I don't want to spread negativity, and I won't.

I wish everyone's safe and home. Please be responsible. 

This lock-down gave all of us so much more spare time than usual. I'm not counting anymore the days. Time's become an illusion to me at this point.

From my balcony.

Like everyone, I spent a lot of time thinking and wondering about life. There are a lot of aspects of my life that I've been taking for granted: going out for fun, gatherings or even running errands. Hugging my beloved ones. Going shopping whenever I wanted even if it was for a pair of socks without caution or too much thinking. Buying non-essentials like desserts, takeout or even a pack of gum.

On the other hand, I appreciate basic necessities I've always had and still have despite a global pandemic: a roof over my head, electricity, water, a good internet connection and food. This reinforced my sense of responsibility and community towards less fortunate people out there. We're all in this together.

With more time on my hand, I found myself contacting old friends checking on them. I've been so busy, and they were too, that I didn't realize that I haven't caught up with some friends for a year or two. I call my close friends and family more frequently too. And they were a big help to fight the lack of social life I'm currently living as an extrovert.

During this time, I realized how some celebrities are straight-up stupid. There was this Egyptian "influencer" who posted the most obnoxious hair stylist ad ever, something along the lines of "I know everyone is having a hard time now, but look at my hair!! It was done by the talented Nobody Cares!!" Others shined differently. If you know me, you know I'm a huge fan of Justin Baldoni, he was the star on Jane the Virgin, but that's not why I love him, he always tackles the subject of healthy masculinity. So, anyway, Justin Baldoni used his platform many times to raise awareness about coronavirus and he tried to be helpful. For example, he had a live "interview" with his therapist so people could ask him questions about mental health during this tough time. Egyptian actors and athletes also had a challenge where they financially support families in need and nominate each other. This is a good use of fame!

This catastrophe highlighted the heroic role of doctors and all the healthcare workers. They have to deal with a lot of stress on a daily basis, let alone be very close to the virus. When we talk about people risking their lives during this pandemic, we often forget people who are still working and have to be in contact with the public: all the people working in the food industries whether they are  supermarket cashiers or farmers, people working in maintenance, cleaning and collecting garbage. Let alone volunteers helping people in need on a daily basis. The list is very long. Those people are the real stars, and they have been working backstage all this time. What is sad and unfair is that they're underpaid worldwide, but that it for another day.

I've always had in the back of my mind the saying "Everything but God is mortal" and could go in a split of a second. But our reality is a whole new level of change. This is beyond what anyone could've expected or imagined. All of our lives are on hold, despite how dynamic they were just before this.

I currently don't post much, but I'm trying to post more I swear! So click here to subscribe by email, and click here to read an old article. See you soon I hope! Take care.

2 Houses and No Home

Home

The place where I can go

To take this off my shoulder

Someone take me home 

- Home, by Machine Gun Kelly, Bebe Rexha and X Ambassadors.

Please excuse my photo editing skills.

Regardless of the fact that I was born in Kuwait and spent around 4 years there (and later many summers), I don't consider it home... anymore.

I've lived in Egypt till I was 19. I went to two main different schools. Played sports. Had hobbies. Made friends, bonded with them through ups and downs. Lost friends. Bonded with my family. Learned about life, more or less. Ate and appreciated the traditional food. Spoke the language. Followed (some of) the traditions. Got a permanent tan, there are like 322 sunny days per year in Egypt, so yeah.

But my small teenage world changed when I moved out to study in France. I spoke their language. Got used to their food, and loved it by the way. Gradually lost some of the tan during winter, but regain it each summer, back home. The constant skin tone change is so weird actually. Made new friends. Went to conferences and events. Got acquainted. Learned about adult life and responsibilities. Took care of myself. Took care of others. Experienced life more maturely. Learned about some of the traditions. Connected with people back home.

When I'm in Egypt, I miss some aspects of France. And when I'm in France, I miss Egypt.

Gradually and unconsciously, France is becoming more my home. This is why each time I go back, it's less sad. It feels now like leaving a home to go to another. But also, sometimes it feels like having no home at all. Very confusing..

This living situation taught me patience, sacrifice and gratitude. Every time I book a ticket, I'm so excited to go back to a home, I even countdown the days. Sometimes the hours. I have to sacrifice so many things. I miss out on a lot of events and life updates of my beloved ones when I'm in France. But if I would live in Egypt for good, I'd miss out on studying at La Sorbonne (obviously) and on so many other opportunities down the line. 

You can't have the cake and eat it. But I'm definitely grateful for everything, and I'm hopefully making the best decision for me, my career and future. إن شاء الله.

Foreign Languages!

Hey! I've recently noticed that I publish almost once a month, even after I promised to write more, but life got in the way. 

I've been reflecting on my linguistic skills recently. Especially the French and English ones. I mean, I've considered improving my Arabic as well, since the Arabic I speak and write isn't enough. Bref. Today's article is about foreign languages.

2014, in Russia

I know it's ironic that my blog is in English, when it's not my mother-tongue, discussing foreign languages. And I could improve my Arabic by writing here, but no, I'm too afraid to try. Maybe one day..

Have you ever spoken in your second (or third language) and got compliments on how well you speak? "Oh you speak so well! I didn't even notice your accent! Where did you learn English?" And like my good friend Gina said, "I want it to be flawless as if it's my first language, with no accent." And that is some insane amount of pressure we put on ourselves really.

I mean, we've spent at least a decade learning this language, and guess what, learning in that language. 

There is a wide range of terminology that I solely know in French and/or English, because I learnt sciences and math in them. It's a sad and shameful feeling when you get used to certain words in a foreign language, to the point of despising them in your native language. "Oh it's called like that in Arabic? So gross! It's better in English." (and yes I've heard that)

But it still isn't ours and there's a limit of fluency you could reach without giving up your mother tongue. And yes, I've read that you could forget your own language if you took up a new one and (gradually) neglected it. So take care of your native language, folks!

The truth is, I love Arabic, I adore it, okay? But I try as much as I can to improve my other languages due to living abroad, which includes: studying in a foreign language, attending classes in a foreign language, everyday-life conversations and news in a foreign language, reading everything and anything in a foreign language.

It's so exhausting. Sometimes after a long day of speaking French, I get a headache and start forgetting words, freezing and saying nonsense. What is even worse is that, when I go back home, attempt to speak Arabic with Mahy, then fail to make up a whole meaningful sentence...?? At this point I 1. feel stupid and 2. becoming bye-lingual.

And what's really ironic is that I'm the only one who thinks my French and English are not good enough. I remember one time I was calling Shaimaa (my American friend) and in the middle of the call I froze and said "Oh my God, it's been a while since I last spoke in English, it's a little rusty, I'm sorry. It'll get better in a  minute." And she hasn't even noticed any issue. I have linguistic insecurity when it comes to anything other than Arabic. That's it, I admit it!

What I've noticed is, people (and especially monolinguals) don't really care if you make mistakes, have an accent or forget words. From my experience, they are understanding and listen attentively, waiting for me to remember the word I want to say. Or listen to me, explaining the word I'm looking for. And during this whole process, I'm the only one who seems to be irritated by my not-so-perfect language. 

However, there are three daily struggles that I face. 1. My humour doesn't usually translate well. I mean, half of the time the joke is fine in the other language, the other half there's an awkward silence. Shame, shame. 2. Idioms are usually monolingual. When I translate them from Arabic, it creates a weird expression. A friend of mine, Marguerite, usually gets it and says it's enjoyable, since her dad does the same thing and she's used to it. 3. Suddenly discovering that I don't know a certain word in French that I immediately need. Of course, Google Translate helps a lot in such situations, but this luxury's not usually available though. 

There's only ONE rude person who commented negatively on my accent saying she couldn't understand me. The joke's on her, since everyone understands me. Being racist is sad..

Anyway, I'm glad I'm back to writing, and I hope you enjoyed my article (and maybe related to it too). 

See you soon, I hope!

get used to it..

If you know me personally or through this blog, you already know that I'm a planner. I have a plan A, and B for my life in general, and minor plans. C, D or .. I'm really not sure of how many they are, but anyway.

From my trip to Belgium.

When a plan fails, because of my actions/ decisions, someone's or exterior factors, it breaks my heart. A lot, or a little, depending on the amplitude.

But today I'm not talking about how to act quickly and change plans. Today I'm talking about getting used to change.

I hate change. I hate it so much.

Everyday, I have to get used to washing my hands and not see my old ring.

Stumbling upon gifts is a part of my daily routine. I took a paper and grabbed a random pen from my desk to take notes, and then I realized it was a gift too. I'm not even sure if I should throw them away, or just try to detach them from their "original" owners. Same goes to photos and, most importantly, memories.

I have to get used to plans being altered, to the disappointment that comes with it. To people disappearing.. To people not being part of my plans, or in other terms, life journey..

Sometimes, when life is going as perfectly as planned, you might think that you've got it all figured out, that you're amazing, a huge life master. I had the audacity to think like that, then I got slapped in the face. Life's ironic. Fortunately, every time a plan changes, it gives you a new perspective. As hard as change is, it reminded me how fortunate I am to have the support of my family and friends. Also it made me realize how sometimes we're blinded by our goals and thoughts and plans that we don't spend as much time with the people who have always been there and who really matter.

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Privilege.

You've certainly heard phrases like "white privilege" or "rich privilege", but what is this really about?

Some groups of people are born with more rights than the others and that's the sad and disappointing truth about the world we're currently living in. And maybe humanity will never fix this, who knows.

During my life, I came across several yet varied types of privilege. I came to the conclusion that it's really rare for people to acknowledge their privilege, as well. Some go as far as denying it.

With my white friend, whose dad has a lot of connections.
I told her she's privileged by the way, we're still friends somehow.

Rich people, for instance, don't have to suffer in ways their fellow poor or middle-class individuals suffer. The bourgeoise society has it easy in many ways, such as the very obvious one: inherited access to basic needs (food, education, shelter, ..). But also, it's very easy for them to find jobs after graduation as they could work for their parents' or acquaintances' firm/ business. Or some of them even choose to live relying on their family's wealth. They don't have to go through the struggle of getting good grades, maybe even working part time simultaneously,  applying for as many internships as possible and living with the bare minimum. Some of those internships are even unpaid. And why do we need unpaid internships? Why would anyone put time and effort for free? Well, because no-one hires a fresh graduate with zero experience. It's a loop. A loop they don't need to experience.

Having a parent with a lot of connections is also privilege. I have a friend whose father has many friends in all the fields. You name it! He can get anything done, basically. I mean, I would love to have that, it'd would give me a sense of security.

How about male privilege? Do males have it really easier? Yes, and they're oblivious too. Men get usually recruited more, because businesses don't want to pay for maternity leave and anything that has to do with motherhood. Even though, two people have a baby and both are equally responsible, but... Also, in most Arab and/or Muslim households, they have more freedom. They go out as much as they want, travel alone, and the lame list goes on. 

So how should you feel about your privilege? I believe it's definitely fine to have privilege. It's normal to use it too. Otherwise you'd be wasting opportunities. I get it. I mean, I have some privilege too, and I use it. But what you shouldn't do is either 1) ignore and deny it, or 2) feel ashamed of it.

What you should also do as a privileged individual is use it to help others. Use your privilege to talk about and defend other people's struggles. Use it to make a change. Use your privilege as a rich / famous person to raise awareness for the homeless and help them for instance. Use your male privilege to defend female rights. Use your privilege as a white person to defend a black, brown or just any non-white person.

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Let People Thank You!

Personally, I keep thanking people for everything, from giving me a tissue to saving my life.

My short trip to Le Havre. Unrelated, but who cares?

If a teacher, for example hands me a test paper and I don't thank them instantly, because I'm focused and in the mood to problem-solve, I feel so rude seconds afterwards. And definitely overthink it later.

On the other side of the problem, some people get really offended when I do so. I have friends that would insult me if I thanked them. Literally:

- Thanks for lending me your book, by the way.

My overly dramatic friend: Oh, you silly, don't thank me. Are you dumb? We're good friends, it's illegal that we'd thank each other.  I'll kill you if you thank me again.

I'm not even exaggerating. Maybe a little. And yes, this is mainly you, Mahy. Also, sometimes Rozza.

Through what I originally came across randomly in some psychology article, you better accept all the "thank you"s you're pushing. The article gave a very convincing reason, which I put it to the test.

The reason behind accepting the "thank you"s is that, when you prevent or deny them, people gradually stop saying them. Not only this, but they'll eventually take you, and all your actions, for granted. With every "it's nothing" you say,  they'll progressively feel entitled to what you do and expect it each time they "ask" for it. They'd gradually demand it as if it's their right. If you decide to not provide it anymore for any reason, they'd feel betrayed, when you were actually doing an extra gesture in the first place.

Like I said before, I tested this method to see how differently I'd feel. I let people thank me, at first not replying at all, because I was not used to it and I was kind of embarrassed. It was exactly like when people sing to you happy birthday, you just stand there, smiling not knowing what to say. Or do. Then I, bit by bit, replied with "You're welcome". It made me feel good. Appreciated. What I did was valued and appreciated and deserved a simple statement of gratefulness.

So the article was right. And I'm advising everyone to just let people thank you!

Next time, I should write about over-apologizing and how you react to it. Stay tuned.

Read my last article if you missed it, click here!

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