Am I Lucky or Hard-Working?

Hey beloved readers, how are you doing? How are the holidays/ finals?

Yesterday, I was lying in bed after a long exhausting day of cleaning the house and redecorating it, thinking about my life.

I reviewed my last three years, the ups and downs, then asked myself "Am I lucky or hard-working?"

Comfy cute PJs + new deep wallpaper + warm socks = winter vibes

I mean, I'm lucky to have such a supportive family who wanted me to study abroad. I'm lucky to have spent most of my school years in a French school and became fluent. I'm lucky to have been accepted in the best university in Paris. I'm lucky to have amazing friends who are by my side, despite the distance and despite all of us being busy adults. I'm so lucky to have Mahi with me, sharing the good and the bad moments, help me through the struggles and cheer for me. Last but not least, I'm beyond lucky to be with Alaa.

But..

It's not enough to just depend on my luck. 

I mean, yes it takes pure luck to have these things, but I have to work hard to maintain them. 

I worked so hard on my French, I didn't just depend on the school work. Now, I have to work so, so hard at my college to pass. I have to communicate a lot with all the people in my life in order to have healthy relationships with them, some times even sacrifie to maintain those relationships. I have to invest a lot of time and effort for those relationships.

I was lucky to have these things to begin with, yes, thank God! And I'm very thankful and aware that I'm privileged. But if I don't work hard enough to keep them, I'd lose everything.

What about my satisfaction? 

I mean, sometimes I forget for a second about how much I prayed for what I have now. (Very cliché but true, I promise). To make matters worse, sometimes because of a minor issue, I'm not satisfied with what I have. Or even worse, I want more..

Now, what I do when I'm not satisfied is that I remind myself of how much I was craving what I have now. I strongly believe that if a person is never satisfied that means they have a serious problem of insatisfaction, greediness and a lack of realisme. I believe that if you're pessimistic and only focus on what's missing from you, you're doing it wrong and you're not even fully living.

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Overthinking is Good.

Yeah you read that right! Also, I miss publishing articles so much!! 

Overthinking is good, I mean not when it prevents you from sleeping or functioning properly, of course.

Just hear my arguments. Maybe you'd be convinced.

I, like you, believed it was bad and exhausting to overthink everything. I was opposed to this philosophy too when Alaa kept saying it, until gradually I noticed its accuracy and saw how I improved.

Reviewing my recent actions is a part of my daily routine. Even the smallest ones. For example when I go to the supermarket, afterwards I start asking myself "Was I friendly enough? Did I smile enough? Or too much?"... At least this helps me know how I'm behaving and how to improve.

Overthinking is what helps me improve as a person, because it pushes me to communicate more and want to do better.

And of course the classic, reviewing old actions and thinking about what I could have done. This is useless. What good can thinking of what I did wrong five years ago do to me? I have no control over it. If I had a time machine, yeah that would've been perfect, but I don't.

We can now easily classify overthinking into two categories: the bad and pointless type of overthinking which I'd like to call: Pointless Overthinking and the good type that helps me improve: Good Overthinking. Very obvious and short names, I know!

When I review my actions and then go back to the people and ask them if I annoyed or hurt them, that's some Good Overthinking. When my overthinking pushes me to plan more for my future, it's the good type, but when I obsess over what I can't plan/ change and worry, it's the Pointless, obviously.

So, you have to train your brain. And this is what I'm still learning to do. Ask yourself, every time, "Is this constructive? Will this lead me to do better?"

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Sitting on the Fence

So here's the deal. I look like a carbon copy of my mom. I was basically too lazy to mix and match the facial features from both of my parents so I took everything from my mother. My face is basically plagiarism.

But when it comes to my personality, I have traits from both families, definitely along with gained ones. It's both great and terrible.

I like it because I feel connected to both bloods and have the best of both worlds. But also I feel distant, like sitting on the fence and belonging nowhere.

For example, I am sensitive just like my mother's branch. The slightest actions could leave an impact on me.  I never forget any critic. But I'm also tough like the other branch. So I don't cry that much and I bear a lot. So confusing because my dad keeps telling me things like "We don't cry, toughen up." while my mother tells me things like "Are you heartless?!" when I'm cold or neutral.

Your fellow blogger is the oldest grandchild in the mother's family but one of the youngest in the father's. So I get treated like a kid at 5 pm and a role model and idol at 8. This has been confusing as well, I couldn't figure how to act, you know? So exhausting. Even though some of my paternal cousins no longer treat me like a kid, deep down, I feel like one when I'm around them. Some times it's hard to find common ground for discussion with them, but it's definitely harder to find common ground with my maternal cousins. I mean, my problems and obsessions such as career choice and not having enough money to travel are nothing like theirs which are planning a Frozen-themed birthday party and going to the gymnastics practice after school.

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Embracing my Flaws

As cliché as it sounds, but nobody's perfect and this is a fact. We all have flaws and we all need to improve. No matter how old, rich or healthy you are.

Confidence level= infinity.
(I posed in front of this purple truck because I found it cute, but the photo turned out like this anyway!)

Improvement has been my middle name for the past two years at least. Frankly, it pays off when you listen to your beloved ones acknowledging the effort you've put in your improvement. It was a very long journey that I had to take on my own and I must say I'm so proud of myself.

However, some flaws of mine are impossible to change and I had to accept then embrace them.

First of all, I am so clumsy. It's a flaw I've had all my life and I'm unapologetically blaming the genetics. I know no one in my entire family is clumsy, but it's definitely genetics. I warn new friends about my clumsiness so they'd be mentally prepared to rescue me before falling or warn me before bumping into anything. There's no possible way to unsubscribe to Clumsiness Daily, but I'm accepting it. I'm not ashamed of it. Nobody seems to be annoyed by it, except for my family who keeps mocking it. (click here to read an article from last year about it)

Nummer zwei, since I was a kid, I couldn't focus properly. I've always daydreamed a lot, in the middle of classes, when anyone talked to me or basically at any time. I still do. But what I've learned through the fascinating Internet is that due to my attention deficiency, I tend to speak over people. Let me explain. I would be sitting with a bunch of people, discussing a topic. Then I'd zone out, think about a whole other topic. Then when I come back, not hearing the others, I talk about the new topic of mine, out of the blue, not paying attention at all. I generally don't intend to interrupt people, I don't do this because what I have to say is more important. I'm a little more aware now so; to minimize the harm, I try as much as I can to explain it beforehand, so that close people would expect it, understand and then move on. When it happens, I quickly apologize and tell them to resume, and gladly they get it so the conversation flows back again instantly. Some might suggest medications, but I can't do meds for a number of reasons, but that's for another article. 

My last embraced flaw is my terrible, terrible memory. This as well could be solved with meds, I know. What I do to tame it is that I organize everything more. Long- and short-term to-do lists, check-lists, putting everything in my calendar with multiple reminders, taking notes of everything, taking so many photos... It helps greatly. I mean, even if I'm just meeting my friends I put it on the calendar, if I'm ordering food I write it down, you can imagine..


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Eye Surgery

Minutes after the surgery

Hello there!

On the 7th of the last month, I had a Lasik eye surgery. Thank God! Finally!! I've always hated wearing glasses and I've even dedicated a whole article to talk about it, click here to read it.

A lot of my friends and acquaintances asked me about the details of the procedure and if it hurt or not. Weeeell, the following is purely my own experience that's probably different than yours. 

On the 6th, I casually went to the doctor to have a regular eye test, the one with the house picture and the E's. (see picture down below if you don't know what I mean, lucky bastard). Then we told him I wanted to get my eyes done and asked if it was possible. So I did a cornea test which is basically staring into a red light for some time until they scan  (is this the proper term?) my eyes. Individually, of course.

They don't display them all at once, but instead gradually, the bigger groups first.

This picture is displayed and it gets blurry on its own, I don't know what the device does, but it sure measures something!

Since my mother has a certain cornea shape that prevents her from having the surgery, I was so nervous I had it too and then couldn't do it. 

Later I had to see the doctor again so he'd tell me if I were illegible or not and then what type of surgery I should have. And since he had other surgeries, my mom called him to fix an appointment for the next day and I left.

The next day, when I was just about to get into the car, my mom told me "Oh did I forget to tell you? You're doing the surgery today!"

"What?! I thought we're going there to see which type and THEN to fix a date for the surgery."

"No, yesterday after you left I saw your doctor and agreed to have it by 5 pm." my mom said very casually.

I thought such surgeries took time to be planned or something. I expected at least to have it a week after the tests.

I waited at least an hour in the waiting room. Then they brought me to another, smaller waiting room where they got me prepared for the procedure.

I wore a hospital gown, a head and shoes covers. They put two rounds of two droplets in my eyes: anesthetics.

I forgot to mention, I was afraid of eye droplets. I couldn't even open my eyes for the first round.

Then, in the operation room, I lied down. There were strong white lightings before my eyes. They covered all my face but an eye and then put a metallic thing inside my eye to prevent me from blinking. Another droplet, they basically took advantage I couldn't close my eyes to do it. During the entire time (ten minutes), I had to fix my sight on a green light in between all the strong others and that was so painful to me. (a friend of mine found it pretty normal so it's probably just me).

The surgery itself has two parts. The first, as I saw it myself, consists of removing an incredibly fine part of the cornea with a scalpel. The second is basically applying the laser for 12 seconds. (for me it was 12, but my doctor told me it differs from a person to another)

I almost didn't feel the scalpel part, but the laser! Oh my God! I literally smelled my eyes burning. Definitely one of the scariest scents in my whole existence.

Now what I really appreciated about the team that conducted my surgery is that they were personal. In other words, they kept calling me by my name. "Do this, Samaa..". I've been to tons of dentists that didn't do that, so I don't know if it's the norm or if they were extra nice. And then the doctor kept telling me things like "You're doing great so far." and "Only three seconds left, hold on!"

After the surgery, everything was blurry. A terrible headache hit me, I couldn't bear it. When I talked, I didn't make much sense either. More waiting then the doctor checked again on my eyes. He gave me eye drops to apply hourly for the first day. No screens allowed, no eye make-up, no sprays near my eyes...

When I got home, I couldn't even bear the lights. I stayed in the darkness for the first night. No phone, no books, nothing.

Few hours later, I was in so much pain, I was literally screaming. My eyes were so dry. I put way too many eye drops. They burned at first, then sort of lubricated my eyes. I couldn't sleep from the pain plus the headache. But ended up sleeping somehow, I don't know how.

For the next week, I put antibiotic eye drops regularly. Four times a day for two days, then three times for two days..etc.

I was able to resume my normal life, few days after the surgery. I went outside after four days, even when my doctor told me I could be exposed to the sun two days after the surgery, I just didn't feel ready.  I started using my phone and laptop normally after three days.

The week after, it was some lubricating eye drops, three times a day. I have to admit, I wasn't pretty committed to those ones. And I'll try to do better from now on.

Last but not least, special thanks to my sister and Mayssara for texting people on my phone when I couldn't look at any screens at all. Thank you to all my friends who visited me when I couldn't do anything except stay in the total darkness. A final thank you for Alaa for entertaining me over the phone. 

Almost forget, thank you, Dana, for being with me before the surgery and tolerating my whinging! And thank you, Mahmoud, for sending me memes because I was scared like hell. 


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Glasses.

Hi there! It's been forever, I know. I don't even have a good excuse, but here we go.

I've worn glasses since grade 6, which is a long time ago. And trust me, there's nothing good about them. Except, seeing, of course.

Okay, so yeah, I can SEE with glasses, which is important, obviously. The first day I tried them on, the floor looked slanted. It made me feel dizzy and confused. What's so fun about eyes is that they give you headaches for every reason, so yeah, tough day.

The world appeared brighter, everything became more defined. Objects used to blend in with each other. That feeling of "seeing" for the first time is unique. Even though I keep on changing lenses, the difference's never this significant. 

The worst part about wearing glasses, in my opinion, is the dependency. If I lose or break them, I'm screwed. Some terrible headache happens few seconds after taking them off. My eyes even hurt. When I'm not wearing my glasses, I cannot see nor hear. And that's something non-glasses people will never understand and glasses people will never be able to explain. Thus, if anyone of us wakes up, don't talk to them until they wear their glasses, unless you enjoy some extra morning stupidity and a lot of "What? Where?"'s.

Lying on bed  or the couch is impossible cause you'd be so close to breaking them. You have to take them off in the amusement park (I never do, but you have to). You have to take them off when changing clothes and taking a shower and washing your face and it's just tiring. I can't remember the number of times I [almost] got hurt in the shower because I couldn't see. Drinking a hot drink and breathing at the same time means the vapours will make you blind for a minute. 

When the glasses have few dry water drops or are somehow dirty this gives me a headache some times but it never fails to irritate me. Of course a rainy day or a day by the sea is quite irritating.

No matter how many times my friends will tell me they're used to me with glasses and how "cute" I look in them, I've always wished I do an eye surgery and get rid of them for good.

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Priorities

This academic year has been a roller-coaster. So much has to be done, planned and considered. I write a lot whether in my diaries or on Blogger, but till now it's mostly short incomplete drafts. Therefore I don't publish much this year. I do blogging for fun and that's why I would never pressure myself to do it regularly, it's not a chore. I want to do it when I feel like.

The main article, here we go.

Most of my priorities combined in one photo. Excuse the low quality of the photo, long story.

Some people have strict priorities, like "family comes first" or "work comes first" and they act accordingly at all times.

But my priorities don't work like that, there is a list. It's so flexible and interchangeable depending on the situation.

My priorities list includes: 

(definitely not in order)

• College/ career
• Diet
• Working out
• Family
• Reading
• Friends
• Writing
• Travelling 
• Mental health 
• Chores
• Blogging
• Diaries 
• Saving money
• Food
• Physical health
• Fashion
• Skincare
• Self-improvement
• Religion
• Happiness
• Love
• Sleep
• Purpose

22 priorities.

Mostly.

I do have a lot on my mind. Told you, I'm an overthinker and planner.

I couldn't even number the list because that would be inaccurate, like I said they're interchangeable.

For example, right now, my priority is being in my writing mood and state of mind, anything else isn't as important. 

When I'm out with anyone (friends, sister, family..) they're my priority, unless something happens. Such as getting a phone call from my mom asking me where I am or getting a text from a friend asking for a quick advice etc.

Accepting the fact that I can't actually permanently pin my priorities is so relieving.

Because I used to get so frustrated when I change them for any reason. Like for instance, going to a family function instead of studying (or the opposite). Or having fun in general instead of studying. I felt guilty a lot. Blaming myself is such a waste of time and energy. I'd rather spend this time applying a face mask. Or listening to music. Or, or, or..


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